we don't get to choose
when and where we fall in love,
or who we fall in love with.
we place our hearts on the line,
flip the pages one by one
and just like that
our story is written.

sometimes pain is inevitable.
sometimes he's your romeo
but you're not his juliet.
sometimes you still feel his ghost
two years after it's ended
and you close your eyes
and wish the pain away.

but this is love,
raw and real, a sharp physical pain
in your chest when you least
expect it. i still see myself
in the places where you are
dreaming of what could have been,
or what could be.

love is out of our control.

but darling, all i ask
is that you open your heart
to everything love is,
let yourself feel the passion, the pain
embrace wholly everything
it can show you, and beyond everything
never be afraid to fall
because it teaches us things
we would never otherwise have known.

"i hate the beach
but i stand in California
with my toes in the sand."*

i reach a leg out, dip my toes
in the slowly lapping waves.
looking out, i see the ocean,
stretching for what seems to be
forever and ever and ever.

just like what you promised.
"forever and always," you said.
and i believed you, like the stupid
lovesick fool i was. i should have
known ; forever never lasts
when i'm with you.

people are a lot like the ocean,
i realized. turbulent but calm,
docile and quiet when unprovoked
but with the tendency to roar when angry.
that was you. but i suppose

that was also me, because stripped
down to the bareness of our souls
you and i are one and the same.

we are the ocean,
beautiful but treacherous,
stretching as far as the eye can see,
forever and ever and ever.

yes, you.
you with your stupid big brown eyes
that see everything, even though
you're sensitive enough not to say a word.

you with your stupid hair
that i never thought i'd be writing about
because i always tell you how unattractive it is.
i guess my heart decided to run to you just the same.

you with your constant concern,
your ability to see right through me,
even when my walls are built so high
that no one else bothers to try
you're still there chipping away at it,
gently trying to get me to open up.

you told me once that you fall for character,
not for looks. that was before all this.
before you and i started long talks,
before i started to feel i could talk to you about anything,
before, before, before.
when i was still guarded, when i could still breathe.

but i know this won't change anything.
despite my sudden realization that
perhaps, just perhaps, you wormed your way
into my heart after all, i know you're
not going to stay. why would you?

my heart belongs to you,
but your heart belongs to her.

i think i love you, i can't be sure.
but if i didn't my heart wouldn't hurt this much,
so i guess i do after all.

it was your stupid pretty brown eyes,
that's what it was.

I will strive to be the best version of myself in order to provide you of what you deserve. I will give you everything I am, and everything I have to fulfill what you need. And even if it means I feel empty, I will fill you with love and hope. I will protect you from harm and love you for eternity.

And you - you just need to stay.

i step out
and i'm surrounded,
like i've already lost the fight.
the wind flies in my face,
whispering your name in my ear.

i pull my scarf up,
past my nose, past my ears ;
i just want to forget
your **** voice.

it's autumn, red and orange
leaves glide down silently,
a few brush my shoulders
as though mocking me;
a ghost of last year.

i pull my jacket tighter
around my small body ;
i just want to forget
your **** touch.

it's a long walk to
the bridge i saw you last,
my dark eyes melting into
your honey ones.

eventually i look over into the black water,
and instead of seeing my reflection
it's your face staring back at me.

i can't forget.

"be bold, be brave, be strong."*

reaching out,
my fingers come into contact
with the smooth hard surface
of a cold stone wall.

where have you gone?

you are a sliver of beauty tonight.
i see you from inside
this well. i can hear the sound
of my own breathing, slow
and steady against the silence.

am i safe or am i trapped?
nothing from the outside can get in,
but i cannot escape.

oh, moon, silver moon,
where did you go?