i've lost you,
haven't i?

it's just hit me,
and suddenly i'm numb with the
realization that things will never
be the same.

or maybe it's you who's lost me.
because how could i lose something;
someone i never had?

i couldn't.

i know
i drink
too ******* ******* much.

it's not good for me,
i know, but what in this
life is? wouldn't it be better
to lose myself,
in order to find myself?

or would you rather me be
sober, alone,
fighting in the four walls of my
head that seem to be closing in on me
even as i struggle to breathe?

and then you ask me,
why my clothes smell of smoke.
i remind you,
on a night not too long ago,
you held me in your arms,
regardless of smoke, or not.

or perhaps the stench wasn't so strong then.

because you see,
when you lose half of you,
the things you turn to
to save yourself
might very well **** you.

does it really matter, actually?
that i'm bitter?

does it really matter,
how i feel? what i
think? i think not.

i'm just a speck of dust
on your horizon.
do i exist?
not really.
maybe.
perhaps.

my luck seems
to have run out.

it's been chasing me for
too long now.

the night glows.
tonight i'm sitting outside,
in some dark alley-
i don't exactly know where.

i hope someone doesn't think
i am something else.

but i needed the quiet.
i've got a gun,
to protect myself,
but i don't think i'll use it.

i'm too tired.
whatever happens, will happen.

it's been two hours,
nothing has approached me.
i think i'm safe.

but with my sort of luck,
you'll never know.

safe from the outside, maybe.
but safe from the inside?
never.

i'm screaming.
can you hear me?
i'm screaming.
but i'm screaming calmly.

there's a ringing in my head,
maybe from last week's hangover.
my cheeks seem to be perpetually tear-
stained with ink.

i like to look in the mirror.
my nose seems flatter than usual today;
i guess pinocchio was just a fairytale.

built a home in a basement;
never thought that i'd need the light

days fall away, one after
another, and i smoke five cigarettes
before the pack burns out.

it can outrun me, you know.