to stare death in the face
and say yes, it was i
who was ready for you, not the other way round
to know what it is to hold both
apprehension and eagerness for each day
in the palm of each hand

to have heard the sound of waves on the sand
at an early age and never
quite forget the sound of the ocean's voice
to be able to know in the depths of one's soul
that life has been lived breathing the sea-salt
air that fills a pelican's lungs

is to be ready when death knocks, cold-faced
and stone-hearted as usual
and to live with the knowledge that life
has been breathed to its fullest -
to let the tides carry you home -
to belong eternally with the song of the sea.

find what you love
(and let it **** you)

you know how it is.
your heart, that stupid muscle
somehow lays her hands on a jump-rope
and skip-skip-skips her way
closer to breaking
every time you think of him.

you should be used to this by now.
after all, he's only the latest in a long
string of boys who somehow
gave your heart that godforsaken jump-rope.

it's so predictable that you nearly roll your eyes
at yourself - or at least you do mentally -
but still you can't help it
you always were a romantic at heart.

for your inability
to hide a single thing you feel -
for your quiet willingness
to listen to me talk about the world;
about the beauty of being alive,
about warmth on cold days
and perspectives you never imagined
you would someday hear ;

for your unashamedness
to tell me all the things
you don't like about yourself
but for your determination to be
the best version of you
you know how to be ;

for how different you are from
every single person i have ever known -
for your never ending reassurance
that i am worth so much more than i know
that my emotions and problems
are worth giving a voice to ;

for your silence
and for your laughter
for your tears
and for your wisdom
for your pride
and for your insecurities

thank you for showing me someone
so much like me yet so different
so stable yet so unsure
someone i have known my whole life yet -
someone i have yet to know.

i am briar-rose's castle;
my heart is the sleeping beauty within
under the curse of a hundred years
and only eighteen have passed so
God help the prince who tries to cut
his way through the thorns
because these vines are dark magic
just like the rest of me - under
a spell that will not break.

you know what it is.
the shapeless shadows of a dying youth,

the hollow longing to hear
a voice you know you'll never hear again,
to feel a touch you know
you'll never feel again,
to see a familiar smile except this time
you know it's not because of you.

it's bottles and bottles of empty faces
swaying past you one after another all trying
to fill the gap he left, all trying
to know you as he did
but their arms feel different,
tattered flags on skeletal rods -
their voices sound different,
the cries of vultures circling the air.

you made me lonely,
but lonely for you.
and no matter how many places i see
or how many people i meet i will never
ever stop loving you.

i know what you think.
i can read it on your face,
it oozes out through your pores
drips from your eyes
like salt-filled tears at a funeral.

i know what you think.
i can read the silent judgement,
i can see that ******* pity
cloaking your whole being
like a snake right before it squeezes
the life out of you or me or both of us.

and i hate it.
i hate that you feel obligated to help me,
but you don't know how.
i hate that you think i deserve better,
because i know i do not.
i hate that the only thing you can offer
is a pathetic "stay strong",
because those words have been repeated so many times
over that they cease to have any meaning at all.
i hate that you want to help me,
because i don't want your help, *******,
i just wanted you to listen without the slightest shred
of commitment or concern.

let's turn back time a little.

back to right after you asked me if i was okay
and i said i was
and you saw the walls reflected in my face
and you knew.

but you didn't push it.
and that's for the best, because i am
a whirling storm of lightning and rain and thunder
and clouds almost as black as my eyes.

don't force me to have to save you
from the person i know i have become
if i can't even save myself
from me.

because the truth is -

i still wear your favorite perfume every single ******* day;
it reminds me of you
i still take hour-long bus rides home on double-
decker buses, sit at the back and cry
when our song comes on shuffle.
i still flinch every time i hear your name,
still tear up every time i see you smile because i know
it's no longer because of me.

i still feel what's left of my heart crack and burn
when i see pictures of you and her because oh,
that used to be me.
i still lie in bed at night wondering if things
could be different if i hadn't let you go, if i had fought
for the things i loved, for the person i loved.

i still struggle to put into words
how much i loved you, how much i love you, how much
i will continue to love you because the truth remains
that my stupid, stupid heart can never let you go.