Awake from a nap feeling hot and sweaty in your arms.
You say I’ve been out for an hour and I get slightly sad.
That’s one less hour with you.
We have so much to do.
Why don’t we leave the four walls and lay under a fern.
In the long shade over our faces.
We can count birds or try to capture butterflies by hands.
Not too much force cause we don’t wanna crush them.
Nameless lover, can I finally call you by your name?
Give me your top albums.
I’ll listen to every one of them.
I’ll listen to them on my times away when I miss you.
Hope you’re listening to them then too.
We can listen to them together.
Add places to the list of places where I kissed you.
The bridge that’s slippery in winter.
A crowded bus stop.
That alleyway with tree branch arches.
Under the silk, thin as paper sheets.
Set boundaries so we don’t build on quicksand.
If there’s something I should know, shoot.
When you’re not in the mood to **** I’ll understand.
I’ll warm up a pillow, tuck you into bed.
I’ll make you laugh despite what’s happening.
Never bring you hurt deliberately.
Share every feeling that crosses my heart.
Tell you the proportions and the magnitude of the love I’ve developed for you.
I want to show it to you.
Beautiful like a flowering tree in the beginning of spring.
Watch it sway knowing you feel the same.
I want to love you, can I call you by your name?
Can we run away for a weekend?
Before they report us missing we’ll be swimming in the water.
The heavy cloth accentuating your body.
Your skinny waist.
Your shoulders I love to place my head on.
Then I can crack two beers and have a two-people party.
Or we can grab coffee downtown.
Walk instead of drive.
Enjoy the bright building walls and the fumes pouring out or cars.
Oh, so romantic.
Counting roadkill can be romantic when you’re with the person you love.
I wanna be the first person you think of calling when you feel crushed.
First person you call to share good news with.
First person on your people ranking.
Your comfort person.
I’d put you above Bianca and my profesora.
I’ll ask you whether I should have chili or smoked tofu.
Need to know which you prefer.
And not write that in a notebook cause that’s corny but remember it.
The most minute things.
I wanna feel like home to you.
An oasis.
A well in a desert.
Summertime dessert.
Supportive boyfriend.
Freak in bed.
Your #1 poet.
Dry and wet.
Hot and cold.
Day or night.
I wanna drop that pronoun and call you by who you are.
I want to hear it from your lips that I’m gorgeous even when my hair’s not done.
That the bags under my eyes are cute.
That my outfit is cunty.
That I’m not beyond change when I feel broken beyond repair.
I’d tell you I’m so proud to be yours.
Tell the whole world if you’re okay with that.
And if you’re not ready to shine alongside me, I’ll respect that.
I’ll not take it as you being ashamed of me like someone I sort of dated.
I’ll make compromises.
I’ll stay true to my promises and not churn them out like poems to bend into airplanes and throw to the wind.
But if you don’t care about what they will say I’ll show you off.
Like a diamond.
Like my proudest possession which you are.
We could go to pride together.
Pose for pictures and cause homophobes to fume.
Share perfume.
Share secrets.
Share pictures we took.
Nameless lover, **** the names of people who misunderstood you.
Not for calling you a *****.
But for raining on your parade and mine too.
God, I wish we could fold paper boats and push them forward on the flooding streets.
French kiss in the pouring rain.
Limited visibility but your face’s in front of me.
Polaroids and soulmate wristbands.
Cringy **** like that makes sense now.
But no cringy wedding vows cause we most likely won’t have that.
And don’t want that.
Do we?
We can start a garden.
Plant seeds and watch them grow.
Just to spend time out in the sun.
Go for runs toward the seaside town and walk back worn out.
Make mistakes together.
Sleep together.
Eat together.
Drink together.
Laugh together.
Cry together.
Travel together.
Be together.
Nameless lover, I want to reveal your name.
I want this.
I’ll give you everything I have.
It took reconnecting with nature and deep thinking sessions to come up with a conclusion.
But I’m sure of it.
I don’t know what I saw in those boys before.
To me you’re the prettiest boy in the world.
I love to say your name.
It’s like an angel’s kiss.
Candy melting in my mouth.
Addictive substance.
But a healthy kind of addiction.
You make me so mad sometimes but I recognize my jealousy.
I wish you would only talk to me.
Question why you don’t smile at me but do I smile at you?
Do I bombard you with compliments?
I’m fighting my shyness.
I am into you.
I apologize if I ever made you feel unseen or if I came off mean to you.
I’m very much in love with you.
I truly don’t know if you’re into me.
I can see the signs but then I question everything.
Why aren’t you making more moves?
You’re the more outgoing one.
And your extroverted nature terrifies me more than death.
But I’d rather die fighting for your love than give up now.
What if you’re unsure too and await me to start a conversation to make sure I’m willing to get to know you and you’re not clingy.
I adore talking to you.
I find little things about you adorable.
I sometimes can’t look at you because of how pretty you are.
I hope I get to address you in a future poem by your name.
I hope this ends well.
Cause I don’t know how this one will end.
I am out of ideas.
But never out of willpower to fight.
After all I want this.
I want you to be mine.

I think of going underground
But I’m not even mainstream.
I think I wanna change my sound
But I write poetry, not music.
Ostentatious maybe, but I’m openly a criminal now in 64 countries.
They want me underground.
It’s exactly why I, an introvert, wanna go to the club.
Long locked away from life, need for air, tryna feel super hot.
I think of going underground
Down below where only my people go
Go silent but not taking vows
I wanna get high and drunk and feel the love.
Make it tangible and feel it fill me up.
Always live up and never be downed.
I think of deleting my social media more than I thought I would when I had fame.
Devote my time to reading tarot and cast aside the pain of the figurative athame.
The fame, the fame, the looks, when they look it feels like I’m some way of famous.
Infamous, the word, venomous, the world, but I know now I’m not the one that’s blasphemous.
I think of going underground.
Just get lost in the crowd.
Blend in with the boring people though I really can’t think of how.
Flamboyant soul like a peacock but I don’t want the clout.
The peace I have I prayed for
And I want more achievements ‘fore I’m in the ground.
Anxiety’s on my scent like a hound
But I’m not bound to the anchor pulling me way way down.
Leave this town and I’ll see for myself the things and places that keep me out of that hole.
Being this bad feels surprisingly good like the vibrations in my body when the song’s beat drops.
You must hate me either cause I’m fine year-round or cause you’re down for the count.
I wanna go underground.
Yup, **** it, I wanna get out.

The disco ball makes its ascent.
Libération tastes sweet in its light.
My *** looks juicy in those jeans.
But love’s the last thing I’ll find tonight.
They sever soul chains at gay clubs.
Play house, I’m a fluorescent sprite.
Dead fly resting in peace in LED lamps.
Here’s the only place I can stop trying.

Weeping at the club.
Feeling unbearably unlovable.

Gasping for fresh air.
They’re playing my song on the floor.

Dance your heartbreak away ***.
You’re not alone in your feelings.

My peace is threatened.
When I fall into the whirlpool of love.

Dancing in my corner and
Pray the night would never end.
Dancing in my corner and
Try not to think ‘bout no him.
Dancing in my corner and
I’m noticed by a new hot man.
Going up the stairs tipsy
Tell him I’m a love gypsy.
Going up the stairs tipsy
Wait for him to undress me.
Going up the stairs tipsy
But I wish I was in love instead.

I got a situation.
Brave, brave, brave, give me an ovation.
But it’s only indications.
I’m not making moves of exclamation.
There’s been escalation, isolation, tension.
But I wish I could skip it.
It hurts when you smile.
I wish I was the one in your arms and not at this gay club.
Lord, help my situation.
I’m doing my best.
Brave, brave, brave, and I’m the best.

Weeping at the club.
Drowning thoughts of solitude in my drink.

Two men holding hands.
I’d trade my all to experience this ****.

Back in the restroom.
His face is like a floater in my eyes.

I’m going out again.
I guess I’ll go for the closest high.

The glamorous moon makes its descent.
Back into the battlefield of complex feelings.
My eyes have bags and covered in veins.
Last drink till I slide back to just being.
I feel surrounded by joy in gay clubs.
These guys take loneliness better than me.
I go there to refill my heart’s prowess.
Stare deep into the galaxies on the ceiling.

Want to be loved
Born to be a *****
Want to hold hands
Born to hold mimosas
They say that even if it flatlines or falls, it’s a lesson.
But what if I’ve learned enough?
What if I just wanna receive a meaningful hug.
A kiss that actually feels romantic.
Cause how am I supposed to sing “Everything is romantic” and not believe it.
If it falls, least I can say I did my best.
And though I think I’m not there yet.
It feels amazing.

Powerful.
Beautiful.
That’s what you are.
Spotlight and the dark.

Want to be in love
Born with a high taste
Want to be cute
Born to shake ***
I guess my problem is, that I’d hate to be cliche
I like twinks who barely eat and who don’t play love games
If it makes me discouraged and I’m mad at him
I just wait for him to smile and cure my jealousy
It feels so amazing.
And you know you’re ready to settle down
when messaging torsos doesn’t fill that hole anymore.
**** can’t fill the hole in your soul.

You’re beautiful.
Just look at you.
And if you’re lonely know
God has someone else for you.
Cause you deserve the very best.
And quality takes time.
You’re so powerful.
You still have the time.

I survive off of coffee and daytime drinking.
Thinking if this semester will end me.
I imagine us doing nothing and everything.
How it’d feel to rest my head on your shoulder.
Sometimes how it’d feel for you to bend me.
Maybe if I was bolder.
I’d get you just like that.
But I’m who I am.
And I love me like that.

I used to hate me.
I thought I was
unlovable
not beautiful.
But after all the mending.
Soul reinforcing.
I finally know.
I’m beautiful.
Worth it.
Lovable.
Fun.
Kissable.
Strong.
Resilient.
Megatron.
You think you can break my soul, my heart, my faith, *****, why don’t you try.
I hated me.
But I love myself.
So can you.
Feel like I.
Want cuddles and sweet talk.
Born to **** **** in gay clubs.
Struggle to make small talk.
But *** thick and lips pop.
But it’s not defining of me.
I’m not giving my love up.
I’m worthy of loving.
I’m worthy of loving.
I’m fabulous.
I’m a star.
I get so discouraged.
When boys turn me down.
But I shouldn’t stop trying.
I’ll find the right one.
I just wish I was with you.
Under sheets laughing at
childhood stories.
Drinking whiskey with schnapps.
Ranking pop girls.
Playing Don’t Starve.
Texting you goodnight.
Good morning my love.
Jumping in puddles.
Blowing out bubbles.
24/7 what?
You knew I’d say cuddles.
You know me so well.
Like no one ever.
Not even the friends.
Who I met in preschool.
Don’t worry, be cool.
I don’t judge.
I’ll be your lover.
Your friend and defender.
Your idol and fan.
Your second amendment.
I’ll jump a *****.
If they pose you a threat.
And pose for a picture.
Then give you some head.
I’ll do it all.
I got it all in me.
Just cause I ain’t tried.
Doesn’t mean it’s not true.
So let me love you.
I think you’re sweet.
Like a 1996.
Luscious cherry.

And so can you.
If you learn to love yourself.
Love will find you too.
And even though it’s hard sometimes.
Brighter days are coming up.
You’re strong.
Hugs you
Megatron

I hope I didn’t put you through what I went through with them
I hope I didn’t break your heart in two
You seemed to like me and I liked your company as well
So I hope I didn’t hurt you

I’d ask but we don’t talk anymore
We didn’t get to talk about the things we both share
We know what we don’t have in common
And the first date thing we had, boy it was hell
Cause I’m so socially awkward but
At least it’s getting better cause I’ve gotten so far
I thought I wasn’t into you so it stopped
And now I see you doing activities I wish I was part of

I couldn’t be like you
We’re like water and the flames
I could never like you like you like me

I hope I didn’t do to you what those boys did to me
I hope I didn’t seem bored of you
I hope I didn’t come off boring too, I think I’m a drag
That’s why I got distant from you

Heartbreak is my least favorite feeling
My least favorite thing to break, give me a break for once
If you still got faith and if you’re willing
I’d give it another go but I know the outcome of this thing for us

I wanted him to be you
We didn’t share much but
What we shared was more than enough

So I hope I didn’t put you through what I went through with them
They seemed to like the shatter sound
I hope it didn’t discourage you from looking for love
I mean it when I say it
Not truly yours
Anton

As long as I don’t fall apart, I can live a little broken.
As long as I don’t feed that demon, I can make it starve.
Falling back into the basement, I think I need repentance.
Rising up to treetops I wish I could fly away.

Do you accept your fate?
I ask myself.
It’s an easy question, I have no say.
Before I die I want to wish to not want it.
Life is beautiful, but why is death so wanted.

I don’t want to die.
I’m not depressed.
But I envy those who already passed.
It gets hard sometimes.
Way over my head.
But despite it all.
I remain on this earth.

I lost so much in my life, but I still find joy.
My heart broke so much, I can’t count anymore.
I tell God I need strength, and after that it comes.
I don’t care what may come, I don’t care anymore.

Do you accept your fate?
Blue heaven, open up.
I want to wish to cheat death and live till I can’t stand up.
I worry about myself, but I still dream so much.
I wanna love a boy till I can’t give him up.

I mean it when I say I don’t mind cracks in me.
As long as I’ll be fine, I wanna stay and live.
I’m not depressed but it gets really hard sometimes.
I need assurance but I don’t know who to ask.

Do you accept your fate?
I ask myself.
I wanna say I do, but I just can’t.

It ain’t love language if we need a translator.
It ain’t true if I put together our signs on multiple websites until it said we stood a chance.
He’s a failed experiment.
Not only cause I almost had him but cause he looks like one.
I was right to call him baby, cause he’s my son.
When he hears Lana Del Rey he thinks of me.
It’s so girlcore of me.
Ugh, the urge to dress up in dollette.
And lie all day rotting in my bed.
So much for a brat summer.
Ugh, the way he’s caught up in me.
I said I’d give him heaven but I gave him hell.
I remember the look of his all too well.
But he deserved to land the wrong side of the coin.
When he hears Lana it’s my pretty face he sees.
It’s so funny to me.