Tonight I,

Wake to longing.

And wake to the feeling of hopelessness.

This bitter feeling taste of helplessness, regret, self-loathing and understanding.

And understanding makes this a bile of an emotion needed.

But for what cost?

As I, lie here choking back tears,

Trying to take it all in much like,

An excessive quantity of medicine the will sooner **** the liver than cure the soul.

Who can i call to cast away my doubt and shoulder this understanding?

Because honestly I’m afraid that I’ll forget soon.

Honestly, I’m afraid I’ll remember.

There’s an honest emotion in this situation somewhere and I'v taken subtle hits of its bittersweet nectar.

But to many times its ironic sense of humor has in my dreams showed its self to me.

Showed myself my fallacy.

And i know.

I know how to appease my dreams

But to call her and expose to her this truth

That she and I must be together,

That she weighs heavy on my mind.

Tell her even when faced with her situation from the moment I held her child had me wanting to be a father.

But be that as it may this is only a dream.

One that i won’t see come into fruition.

I will outlive my dreams,

I have no choice.

I refused to let my selfishness ever cause her harm.

Call it arrogance

Or self-sabotaging behavior

Or call it what you will

But this is the end of dreams,

The end of hope

And the beginning of my eternal lament.

But odd as it sounds i can’t help but feel..... Satisfied.

I learned to play with my emotions,

Mock that which makes us human

At a young age I had already turned the page to the next chapter in my life,

I was above the status quo.

At 11 I learned that you have to die for something to live with nothing.

And I have killed myself more times than I care to put in words.

Lonely cries of my tarnished soul that I **** piece by piece

Some days I wish that my soul was whole.

Some days I wish I had died some more.

Don't want to..... hurt any more

More living equates to more emotions I must cast off

Why must I yearn for another's touch?

Why must I delude my honed sense and reason with false realities.

"You see what you want to see,

You shall never be the ONE"

You pay testament to others stories

You don't have you own,

Must have flipped through your pages to quick

Because now you're left without a book.

No pen, no pad, no paper

You were to far above the status quo.

You will forever be forgotten,

You shall never be remembered

But rejoice for you shall never die,

For you have never lived.

You are son of man

Slain by  woman

Slain in the spirit

A slap in gods face.

The forgiven disgrace eternally given a second chance

But sometimes it's a worthwhile to forsake,

To be forsaken,

In order to **** off your emotions.