"You're just like him"
she said to me once.

"Yes, I am"
I shouted back.

but then why is it
that you bared me?

was it, nine months?
or no, it was less...
because you did not
want to be in the hospital during christmas.

But you are right.

I am my father's child.

Not that we were attached at the hip,
it's just that we are very much alike.

I am my father's child.
a drunken child.
temperamental child.

In more ways than one,
I am my father's child.

But deceiving you,

in that way...

I'll never be his.

Today, I recall:
the days when we were kids
and we used to drink from the sky
and they told us the tales about the man
who lives in the field with his gun.

They lied.

Remember how we drank from the sky?
Remember how we licked the sun?

But their tales were false.

the man didn't live in a field.
he lived so close to home.
he lived in my home.

with his rifle for a tongue.

and, he shot my trust to the floor.
with seven words
in my seventh year.

He shot everything I would ever know
and feel about trust
straight down to the floor.
(with seven words)

a simple concept splitting my life
in three.

But yet, we remained as

one.

Maybe today,
or tomorrow,
perhaps, the day after that,

this concept will make sense to me.

Maybe when somebody says a heartfelt
"I do"
and not lend their rib cage to a ***** to rest on,

this concept will make sense to me.

Right now,
all it is, is just another gospel.

connecting….
you are now connected at 4mbps.
heart beats at 4beats per second.

connecting for…
…connection.
social networks
for social interaction.

names. nicknames. pseudonyms
all over the screen.

outbox. inbox.
feelings box.
boxed and botched.

attracted to an idea
a person living inside my computer screen

in my inbox.

are you sure you want to replace this file?
click.

i’m forgetting about you.
you with the flesh
and the warm blood.
and the beating heart.

pop-up.
this signal is poor.
i’ve been disconnected.

we’re disconnected.

hi there,
i recently got lost in the four chambers
inside of your chest
and my god
what a mess it is that she has

left.

this will be a tough act to follow...
but i kind of prefer you like this
insert the dagger
and twist
it's a tough act to follow...
i hate to lose
and i to fail
i strive to succeed,
even if it's for my own selfish gain

(pity she never knew this)

this is a tough act to follow.

so that's how you got here
split open
and bleeding
just so i could clean
the ******* mess
she left
she sure was a tough act to follow.

"thank you"
pleasure.

"do accept?"
I decline.

sometimes,
late at night
I curse my senses.

and I dream about
how wonderful
I would look
as a window ornament.

on this day
every year
i count the seasons
since you disappeared
(it's 22 today, just like my age)

and i still see you everywhere
they think i'm silly

i remember today
(seven years ago)
like it was just the other day
from sleeping to dreaming
to hoping that it was just a dream
and then pretending like it was

but the words
from the voice on the other side of the telephone
"our deepest condolences"
started to make it real
i didn't want it to be
so i carried on and went to school
and wrote a biology test to pretend it was not
(the ***** made it count for my year end mark)

i couldn't pretend hard enough.
you were gone.

but it's only your skin
and your bones
your hips and your toes
your eyes and your smile
your big hands and your silly old man style
those are the things that all disappeared

your heart
and your dreams
your fears and your screams
your guidance and love
your temper and your laugh
still lives on in my heart

a daughter and her father
are always just a few heartbeats apart
(no matter what)

and i hope you are proud of me
like i am of you
for smiling
while screaming
with with everything you went through

** for tonie muller
father, fighter, brother, hero.
12.11.54 - 21.02.03

Your routine is so divine
I have it memorized
You have me mesmerized


how i've longed for
my tainted skin
it keeps me breathing
and stops you
from getting in

Bite the rose, my dear.
Let's tango.
I hope your scars run as deep as mine.

it's been a while since I've felt
your breeze scrape at this empty cavity.
i mourn this loss every day,

but

i keep your heart with me

in my heart
i keep you

the earth sings
new blooms whisper
to remind me of your scent
(just like the ocean)

i hold your heart
in my heart

and should we meet again,
i hope that you kept my heart
with you

like the moon to gravity
so is your heart to me

and not even these storm tides can relinquish your memory.

congratulations,
you gave me the illing feeling,
that feeling I hate.

you gave me vertigo.

My sheets are cold
like the dawn,

I made another car accident.
This time,
I'm terminal.

Rage:
What’s the view like
from your throne?
Can you see me yet?
(I don’t think you ever saw me at all)
Can you hear the skin
fall from my shoulders?
It’s so much easier
to keep it physical.

Longing:
I’ll bring you my ruined skin.
Maybe then you'll believe that
this is hard for me too.

Forget:
I drew what resembles maps on my skin
it now only resembles ruins.

today I read a story about a man
with a br
oken heart.

I compared him to me
and you
and I
to us

what we were
what we tried to be
what you thought I was...

I'm glad I lost it

because, he is not you
but then again.
I'm not really her either.

I screamed against the wind
heard my voice echo
memories echoed

I walked to the park bench
and I hoped to find you there

In the streets
and the rain
I danced
and sang your name
hoping that you would show

In the midst of all this chaos,
I really hoped that you would show
.

I asked the ocean to let me drink from her.
She said that it's a sin to drink alone/

I saw how the ocean swallowed the sun
and he allowed it
(because he was alone, or lonely?)

I considered following suit.

I fell onto my back
I watched the origami in the sky
and I killed memories I never had.

I tear apart the city streets
blow up sky scrapers
challenge the south easter to a battle
and fight concrete.

to find
what I
misplaced
.

to feel like this
must be

the same way

the sand grains feel
when they are smashed against the rocks

I would rather be a tree in a sink hole
than feel like this.

I would still eat the sun for you
I would still swallow the ocean
to bring rain for you
(I know you like it better when the skies are grey)

in my dreams,
I still see you.

in these ashes,
my heart still
beats
for
you.

and my nights are consumed
by thoughts of you.

I can't put out the fire
any faster than it started.

I exhale fire
and my skin is emerald


I was destined to be great.
I was destined to be

I am destiny!

the back ache consumes me
but my wings have spread
wide enough
to lift me

is my blessing
a (my) curse,

my curse,
my destiny?

sapphire is my vice.
(escape)

they are lurking
(behind shadows and on door knobs)
and following me
(to my bed room and into my bed)

I find comfort
in the water
and then back to the start.
(They are in the water!)

the pounding in my head
never stops.
like a hamster's wheel
(dead hamster)
diseased little hamster.
it's always turning

I cannot stop them.

I wrote something for you.

would you accept my words?
I promise you, they mean no harm.
if you need glasses, I will buy them for you.

You can run if you like,
can I follow?
Cry if you want to,
but can I dry your eyes?

You can scream if you want,
I promise I'll listen.

Anything you do,
is okay with me.

Because I am so glad I found you here.

And if the rain comes,
to strip me of feeling...
I hope it strips you of fear.

Because,
I stand before you:

e m p t y .

Please accept my words.
I promise...

they mean no harm.

together,
we were immortal.

never again
could I trust in this man made prophecy.

I awake in obscurity

(nothing left in my head,
no thought, no feeling)

Oh please forgive me,
Forgive them,
(they know not what they do)
Forgive us
(we know not what we say)

forever,
will be the death of me.

Fire!
Fire!
Fire!

I can't put it out.

I'm an arsonist in love with sapphire
and the comfort
I get from the flames.

Let it burn,
I hope it swallows me whole!

Bring me more kerosene,
I love the decay the flames bring.

i needed you to show me
the strength of mountains
i needed you to relinquish your fear

i needed you to believe
i needed you to stay

but there's no reason
and there's no meaning
in this fighting, in this season

in this dying, in this needing

it was worth the fighting
but my heart will carry on beating

grasping pen and paper
and begging for some peace
these forked tongue
promises
leave me begging
at your
feet

i'd have fought the fractures
id' have fought the faultlines

all i wanted
was those words
all i wanted was to hear you say
be mine

i've been walking now
for miles
in this damp, stale

underground

left to right
right to left

but i can't find the exit signs

it's dark in here
and i don't know what it's like

outside

i just need to find the exit signs

i never enjoy being here
not even for a while
keeping my balance
walking on the lines...

...i wish they'd lead me to the exit signs.

the empire has fallen
and it will try to rise again
it had the strength of 100 horses
and 1000 armed men
but the empire has fallen,
will it ever rise again?
the king and the queen
had to forfeit their crowns
their empire is burning
and the troops are trying to **** the flames
in time,
a fallen empire will rise again.
and thy kingdom will come
thy will, will be done
but the men will always hold
the memory of defeat.

do you know what his eyes have seen?
his brother shot dead in front of him
while his mother weeps and his father burns
but you complain about a broken heel
do you know what his eyes have seen?
a little girl bleeding, down on her knees,
pleading.
but you complain about the traffic
do you know what his eyes have seen?
ak47s ripping through the streets
broken hearts
shattered dreams
but you complain about a headache
and through those eyes
he still smiles
he still laughs
and he still has peace
but you cry because you lost your cellphone
what's the worst your eyes have ever seen?

i picked up a piece
of the page
i tore
off
i set it alight
and watched it combust

not even the seasons
or the tides

between
us

could defy this gravity
or turn us to dust

11:45 and the door slams shut
the cat jumps

i glance to the couch
and i see the paper
along with two unwashed cups

the couch opens its mouth
and swallows me whole
11:49 and my breath turns cold

i just want to be done with tuesday

where you'd sit
and where you'd wait
i see ghosts
and unwashed coffee stains

i just want to be done with tuesday

and while you where never really here
and you'd never really known
this house, this cave
this place i call my home

your shadow sits
and it waits
making sure that i am safe

11:59 and i exhale
the couch spits my out
and i explode as my heart turns cold

00:06 and the bed eats me up
i'm done with tuesday

but you're not

I recall when
my breathing was based on your every move
and the epitome of joy
(for me)
was simply, watching you
there was not a thing
in the world
I wouldn't do
just so you would make room for two
now my walls bare witness
to me pulling teeth
(even just the memory of feeling hurts)
but it all subsides
as I greet the dusk
and then the day
I stare at traffic moving backwards
and I recall
your truth
you said "forever is just a myth"
then why does it feel like I'm taking forever to forget?

I saved another planet today.
(superhero)
I am kind of like Batman,
because I don't have any super powers.
I'm just a super nova.
I'll outshine all of these galaxies.
I could be your shock wave.
If only it weren't for these black holes...

I saw the earth weep today
when once more, mechanics prevailed.
they were singing
and whispering tales of a yester year
in the arms of the wind
the hand covered them,
like a mother,
embracing her infant.
then as snakes do,
it swallowed them
first, with the venom poisoning them.
then their tales fell silent
and the wind wept for what was left.

i lost you somewhere
between
florescent skylines
and linoleum earth.
(the world's most endangered species are:
1. the muscle between your cheeks
2. the limbs at the end of your arms)