"An american nightmare, I'd rather be dead."

She was sleeping in her bed, mind
racing with dreams,
thoughts clouding her small mind
her sleep drowning in the beginning of
a nightmare
die,* the voices whispered, waking her her petite ears that are
adorned with the two diamond hearts her
mother bought her for christmas last year
no one wants you here, a spirit shrieks, evading her 2 am distraction, making
her small body jump in fear
you can't live like this, her parents, teachers, new therapists have said to her
seek help, dear, they continued to preach, throughout adolescence
though not realizing she was drowning in her own voice,
her threatening mind
after days, weeks, months, she couldn't
think any more good because it was instantly
covered by her own horrid thoughts
so instead of writing or singing, she
turned to another helper, a monster
of it's own.

...the blade cut her skin, the razor
made the panic disappear and
the voices fade
for just a few moments, that was all she needed
it left her skin with a tingle, a
fiery touch nothing like she
had ever felt before
one Night particularly her father
had sought solace in alcohol that sunday evening
and instead of
keeping quiet to himself, only drown his sorrows of the day
insults, words not of endearment, were spat her way
worthless, *****, suicidal freak, *****
all that were echoes from her weeks at that prestigious, expensive private school
her parents had thrown money at
because she wasn't grotesque or proletariat to even be seen in 'public schools'
and instead of voicing concern over her distraught father
she calmly stepped into her small, cozy bedroom
adorned with every expensive thing she desired
and she grabbed her blade and cut just a touch deeper,
a smidge further,
a small bit sharper than before.
Now she lays sleeping with a gravestone at her head
that reads her name
and no nightmares to cloud her young mind anymore
however, she hadn't realized that her nightmares
did not go away,
rather,
they were left back on earth
with her loved ones as their newly sought homes.

Steal my kisses
intoxicate yourself in the darkness
get painfully lost with your flaming heart
wage a war inside yourself
get caught in lies and
sound the alarm
we're stuck in a picture
ignite yourself
double up and create a new beginning
go down
we won't go together
tonight
you'll set fire with a passion and
you'll conflict in ways
you couldn't merely understand
before
I happened to you
There's no need to begin something
When what you want
is fighting
for you

you're set to go off
it's difficult, hard to hold on to
you're spiraling,, i'm not
free of the consequences anymore
but you'll get stuck at the bottom
I can't let you go and
I can't get out
you'll die down, storm out
but instead you're stupid and fearless
and i'm taking the fall
we'll blow up
your heart in my hands
keeping time, until we
start again
we won't let go, I swear
we should know better
destination, explosion
you've got no way out, my dear
and you're still crashing, spinning dancing away
from me
there's one way, no way, but
I wouldn't have it any other way

As I choke on my breath
I watch you leave out of the corner of my eye
It's cold here now without your sun
drunken sun that you are
And now I'm conversing with a gun
It's frightening me, as I fly forward into
those million ways to end my
unnecessary life
I hope you're having a really good time with her
I try to think of happy thoughts but
the only thing of a million ones
clouding my mind is you
I'll wash you down with something strong,
and watch stars fall
until everything I have known is a blur
and it is all the same
It's still cold
You slide into her bed
lull your darling into sleep
Palm Springs has nothing on the luxurious life you two lead
that ****** taste you left still remains
torturing me
and I hope you're having a wonderful time

We've probably spoken four words aloud since
we met and you
probably couldn't recall my name if you tried
And although you're gone physically
somehow I can still feel you here, inside
And that thought, that you could somehow
appreciate me both helps and haunts my mind
I know we had our differences
And i'm too fearful to start a conversation but from what i've
heard your friend say to me
my feelings were probably matched by you
unfortunately, i'll never know because
like I said i'm
frightened i'll be utterly wrong
and left hanging for everyone to see on
a noose in my own bedroom
I literally cannot go one day without
wishing to see you smiling, and
talking with your friends
or even waving at me, like that one instance in the school halways
after my religion class
but then you would go home, we wouldn't talk at all
and I'd be left to go to a horrible science class
to think about "What if?"

I woke up alone
I wish I could change
they're tearing me apart inside
I'm just a travesty
and you aren't my friend, keep all you've got
keeping this up, whatever it is,
dear it isn't safe
give me a solution
your expertise is not for me
that arrogance can't get you anywhere
just smile at everything they'll
be fine with or without you
you've never been my friend
you'll be lucky if a memory of you even remains
choke on your misery, darling, because
my lungs are giving out
and the waved crashing on the sea
could pull me under
you're a fool
you can't tear me apart like a blade, a hurricane
I'm a bone, flesh, you're just a boy
but I'll continue to smile at everything
and keep misery to myself

Do not tell me that I have impacted
you and do not tell me that I etched a
memory into your bones and that you
can feel the way my lips dragged
along your own flowered mouth because
I am not a hurricane and I am not a
natural disaster, I am only a human, I
am only a voice that belongs to the choir of
the world you are stuck in, I am just
a grain of sand left over from a torn-up
highway and discarded with the memory
of us because one person shouldn't be able
to affect another in the way you affect me.

You
told
me

that I needed to find someone who made me happy
so I searched for anything that could lead me
down a helpful path

Someone once said that you shouldn't hold on to something that is gone,
even if it's the one thing that keeps you alive. You have to find something
new to love and cherish. What good is remembering something or someone
that isn't here anymore?

I feel weak
I feel broken
I feel nothing anymore.

All
I
See
Is
The
Empty
That
Surrounds
Me
Now.

Get out of my ******* head

I don't want to look for you down every walkway,
every sidewalk, every school hall, every classroom
I don't want to wish to see your smile next to mine
or hope that one day you'll crash your lips to mine
or desire your hand trailing up and down my side
while we lay in our bed just existing with each other

I don't want to mistake strangers for you.
I don't want to write about you anymore.
I don't want to see you in everyone I love.

I want to forget the way your smile
infected everyone else's in the room

I wanna forget the sound of your
****** laugh that rang out from
your ******* lungs when your
friends told a stupid joke

I wanna forget the contour of your face
how your teeth grazed your bottom lip when you were deep in thought
how your eyes crinkled when you were trying so hard not to laugh

I hate that i've memorized your face
down to the freckle splashed on your cheeks
and that I can recall your scent with so little effort
and how your lips danced whenever you called my name

I want you out of my ******* mind
I want your memory gone
Just like you are.