xntivibes

xntivibes May 2014

Untitled

Do not tell me that I have impacted
you and do not tell me that I etched a
memory into your bones and that you
can feel the way my lips dragged
along your own flowered mouth because
I am not a hurricane and I am not a
natural disaster, I am only a human, I
am only a voice that belongs to the choir of
the world you are stuck in, I am just
a grain of sand left over from a torn-up
highway and discarded with the memory
of us because one person shouldn't be able
to affect another in the way you affect me.

xntivibes Apr 2014

please go

Get out of my ******* head

I don't want to look for you down every walkway,
every sidewalk, every school hall, every classroom
I don't want to wish to see your smile next to mine
or hope that one day you'll crash your lips to mine
or desire your hand trailing up and down my side
while we lay in our bed just existing with each other

I don't want to mistake strangers for you.
I don't want to write about you anymore.
I don't want to see you in everyone I love.

I want to forget the way your smile
infected everyone else's in the room

I wanna forget the sound of your
****** laugh that rang out from
your ******* lungs when your
friends told a stupid joke

I wanna forget the contour of your face
how your teeth grazed your bottom lip when you were deep in thought
how your eyes crinkled when you were trying so hard not to laugh

I hate that i've memorized your face
down to the freckle splashed on your cheeks
and that I can recall your scent with so little effort
and how your lips danced whenever you called my name

I want you out of my ******* mind
I want your memory gone
Just like you are.

xntivibes Mar 2014

"Savior"

there is a house on a busy street
where there lives five busy people

and in this house in these people's hearts
lied several desires that they each housed
in their small and precious hearts

and a girl in this house knew that she was not perfect
and the girl knew that she needed some kind of help
and this girl understood that she needed a way out

but her father was a cruel man,
blaming her for things she hadn't caused,
beating her for reasons unknown to her petite mind.

her friends could not comprehend
the pain she felt when she walked
through the doorway to this place
called "home" on this busy street.

her mother wouldn't listen to
her cries of help or desperation
and all she wanted was a way
out.

but this story was not a fairy tale;
there was no prince charming at
her window, ready to take her to
a safe place.

her life was not as precious as the
fairy princess in all the movies or
the teenage girl who always finds
her way out.

she didn't know if she wished
to drown herself
in love,
*****,
or the sea.

so she chose the latter
because she was not a fan
of goodbyes.

and this busy house
with the busy people
lived on with their
busy lives and didn't
stop to think about
the pain they had
caused to the girl

their sister
their daughter
their "friend".

but their busy lives went on
with or without a 'savior' to help
them along.

xntivibes Mar 2014

want

I
want
to
find
something
that
makes
me
feel
whole
again.

I
want
to
find
something
that
will
make
the
gray
clouds
go
away.

I
want
something
that
will
make
flowers
grow
in
the
deepest
parts
of
me.

I
j
u
s
t
w
a
n
t
h
a
p
p
i
n
e
s
s
.

xntivibes Mar 2014

Empty

You
told
me

that I needed to find someone who made me happy
so I searched for anything that could lead me
down a helpful path

Someone once said that you shouldn't hold on to something that is gone,
even if it's the one thing that keeps you alive. You have to find something
new to love and cherish. What good is remembering something or someone
that isn't here anymore?

I feel weak
I feel broken
I feel nothing anymore.

All
I
See
Is
The
Empty
That
Surrounds
Me
Now.

xntivibes Mar 2014

feeling

and then it hits you
like a wave of pure
and empty sadness
and you can't seem
to figure out where
it is coming from.

and your stomach wrenches
and your eyes let go of the
raindrops they've been keeping
safe, and your knees grow weak
and you can't even find the words
to write in a coherent verse that even
strangers won't be able to understand

but
you
know
you
can't
feel
anything
except
the
crippling
sadness
that
pulls
on
your
heart
and
rips
open
your
body
and
tears
out
your
spirit

and you
can't seem
to feel
the way
you felt
when
you
were
young
and
h
a
p
p
y

before.

xntivibes Sep 2013

relief

I believe my lungs have just let
go of their last breath
I feel them begin to collapse inside me
my heart gradually slows its rhythmic beating
my body bends, knees fall, arms thrown
down and encircling my legs and torso
my skin begins to shrivel and I hear
a bone slowly brush off it's
white surface, eroding down
in between my muscled arms and legs
my eyes had closed, mouth slowly agape
hands and feet that have explored so
many surfaces, now fall flat
no longer moving and instead resting gently on the ground
I choke on the air around me and let myself
go to a better world filled of white
a cold, lifeless shell is all I've left behind
no emotions anymore, nothing soft and
warm to live on with
my bones crumble now, my
skin withers away
I turn to dust, no longer
sad anymore.