Astonishment.
all i knew when i first saw
the pure beauty of her, so unique so raw
i had to take a step back, to breathe,
to make sure i didn't fall

And more astonishment...
her voice like a clear bell
strong enough to soundly quell
the fear that made me wonder
am i being to obvious, can she tell?

Euphoria.
all i knew with her essence against my own
her gentle touch the most extravagant i've ever known
love wasn't if but when
the key to my heart with her had flown

Joy!
the feeling i had with love reciprocated
i couldn't believe it, i was so elated
could this seraph truly love me?
hopefully my stupidity doesn't get it truncated!

Perfection
sometimes in a full blue moon
or during a canadian monsoon
or when never turns to soon
we encounter perfection

and for me it is you

I swim alone in this ocean of emasculation
Not knowing how to find emancipation
From this feeling of destined damnation
And all you say is *******.

I beg you to help me find salvation
To free me from these heart palpitations
To help me find my self-identification
And all you say is *******.

I need real *******
From your love and physical sensation
Due to our supposed relation
And all you say is *******.

And so I do.
And I begin to hate you.
And I begin to see through.
Through all of you.

You know what?
*******.

Why did I see you as a hero for so long?
I thought you were the one amongst the throng
The one who would last through the short and the long
And then you showed your true colors...

Not the red and blue of superman
Or the midnight black of that bat of a man
Not the shining green of the lantern man
Or the yellow and black of the gruff clawed man

But the sickly green of a rotting bog
The hazy gray of a blinding fog
The sickly yellow that drifts off stinking dogs
The deepest black before my hopeless nod

The nod of self-realization that nothing was as you said
You just threw me to the dead
My mind coming out of my head
As I screamed your name and saw thick hot red.

Then I knew for the first time ever
That life can not be lived forever
That since your dead and we're not together
My hero must be myself or death in this weather

And the forecast is rain
from below the forehead
and above the nose.

It's inside me.
It never leaves.
It pretends to love.
Really though, it just feeds.

It feeds voraciously,
never satisfied.
I lie courageously,
behind a web I hide.

The hunger is never sated.
My life seems so badly fated.
I am a slave to the empty soul inside
that feeds on others standing beside.

Love won't ever sate the beast.
Hate cannot deny the beast.
Tears do not assuage the beast.
Fears do not delay the beast.

And yet I only love the beast.
I let it rise inside like a spiritual yeast.
I let it rule my mind where it loves to feast.
I don't hate this thing inside of me...
I am a willing pawn of the beast.

Despite all the beast requires as payment,
Life, Liberty, and Eternal Enslavement
I still adore this beast.
I love being its pavement
As it tramples my being
Until I'm soul spent, godless, and unbelieving.

And so I slowly degrade
Destroying lives as I fade
Into the nothingness the beast's desire has made
For this beast inside me is more than a shade
It's an enveloping night, the reality to my charade.

So in my mind like in a booth
I contemplate this reality uncouth
And I have come to an understanding...
The man is a lie, the beast is my truth.

You can take the love but that leaves anger
You can take the anger but that leaves sadness
You can take the sadness but that leaves emptiness
You can fill the empty but that gives falsehood
You can tell the truth but that reveals nothing
Because you're false
You're false because you're empty
You're empty because you're sad
You're sad because you're angry
You're angry that you're lover is false.

You love yourself.

The walk is getting slow
The talk is getting low
The heart is losing flow
its getting harder to see the light at the end...

The trial is getting hard
The devil plays his card
his trump shatters the shard
of my heart in the light at the end...

BOOOOMMMM!!!!

DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!

The warning blares in my mind
A simple way to find
that im trudging in the opposite direction
of my long awaited
never anticipated
always given
salvation

So i turn around...

Blindness...
Warmth...
Love...

Ive been at the portal to the tunnel for so long
and i realize through revelation
that all the light in my past direction
was nothing but a distant reflection
Satan's sorry attempt at misdirection
and my sorrier attempt at self-navigation

I had lost my compass
I had forsaken the plan
I had lost my map
I had forsaken "I CAN"

Now I'm FREE.
I CAN BELIEVE.
I CAN SEE.
I CAN BE.
I CAN.

As I sit here wondering what I've done to deserve
All the hatred and all the nerve
I have finally decided from somewhere deep
that action is required cause talk is cheap

You promise to give; You promise to stay
And the heat of my lust turns my mind to clay

That you mold and remodel
into something that needs
nothing more for life
than your *** and bottle

And slowly the fear bleeds away
And slowly the tears flee away
And slowly night turns to day
And slowly everythings okay

Until the milk dries up.
Until the giver gives up.
Until the lust burns up.
Now the clay churns up.

Suprised? Not really.
Destroyed? Not fully.

Angry? Like the hottest fire on the hottest sun.

Action. This man's hallmark.
I'm leaving. I would have told you, but talk is cheap.

We sit here and I hear you.
I hear you and I feel you.
I feel you and I need to.
I need to and I see through.
I see through and I learn to.
I learn to and I give you.
I give you and I love to.
I love to and I knew you.
I knew you so I grew too.
I grew too and I lose you.
I lose you and I bruise you.
I bruise you and I make you.
I make you and I feel you.
I feel you and I hear you.
We sit here and I hear you no more.

The silent surrender of sacrifice

Can sever the soul's inner pride

Can quench the thirst for suicide

of a  secretly smoldering love inside

Can cure the sickening sound of sorrow

******* the life from today and tomorrow

Can show the side that sanctifies

and sweetens others' lonely lives

Can save the stricken who always hide

the last core of sanity deep inside

Can slowly but surely open the eyes

of fools and fakes who cauterize

and burn the good from all our lives

the sullen soldiers of sacred lies

who fight a war for no one's side

and wish for nothing otherwise

a slient surrender from sacrifice.

if i look into the eyes of this angel
will she know my name?

or will she turn away
because she knows my shame
and wonder why i even came?

If i touch the hand of this angel
will she feel my pain?

or will she turn away
because she can see the stain
on my heart and know just who's to blame?

if i kiss the lips of this angel
will she erase my hate

or will she turn away
and leave me to burn
inside my childish rage?

and if i ever see this angel
will she still be from heaven

or will she have turned away
and become what i made
the demon that i so crave

her smile
and her hands
and her joy
and her laughter
and her tears
and her grace
all left shattered
and her love
and her wings
and her halo
all gone

and if i leave this angel
will i leave a man?

or will she burn me where i stand
because she knows i am truly ******
and i need a to finally understand
that all i was and all i am
is doomed to never know the plan
in the mind of the great one, the I Am
just to wander on inside this sham?

this sham that is my exsistence; that is my life
that is the reason for so much strife
that cuts the innocent like a knife
that gives to others anger rife

and if i die in this angels arms
will she send me to my eternal death

or will she turn me away
from hells tormentous touch?
of this i truly pray

yet something tells me that all she is
is my souls desperate wish to stay away
from the judgement that will come one day
and she'll have nothing left for her to say
except you have gone too far astray
and now all of your yesterday
will make your tomorrow never after today

Love. The only feeling that is
HATE
FEAR
POWER
***
SACRIFICE
DEATH
LIFE
SADNESS
JOY
and so many others...to so many others...for so many others...

So why do we crave it?
Why do we blame it?
Why do we enslave it?
Why do we **** it?
Why do we steal it?
Why do we covet it?
Why do we lust for it?
How can this be love?

Love can be a sickness
A disease
A plague
A fog
A haze
An addiction
An affliction.

So why do they say it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?

Because we are all crazy. And we don't even know it.
And those of us who do are alone and can't control it.

I'm in love.
And I love it.

They live in my mind all the time and they don't know.
They dwell in my heart all the time and they don't know.
They are the cause for it all and they don't know.
They are the most precious of my things and they don't know.
They cause the sun to shine gray and they dont know.
They cause the dark to go away and they don't know.
They steal the breath from me and they don't know.
They cause the life in me and they don't know.

Being without them is a living death
An undeath.

And I'm scared I'm getting used
to the exsistence of this
I can feel me dying
And yet there is nothing amiss.

I feel normal and so I must truly be lost.
I feel alive when I know I am not.
I feel content when there is only loss.
I must be dead and my soul was the cost.

I can feel it.
When I'm across from you.
I can feel it.
When I'm lost with you.
I can feel it.
When I'm home with you.
I can feel it.
When I'm inside of you.
I can feel it.
When I'm torn from you.
I can feel it.
Can you?

Your eyes say no.
Your hands feel cold.
Your heart yells no.
You break the hold.

Can you feel it?
Can you FEEL it?
Can you stop lying
And just try to?

When you lie with him
That's when I know you do.
But with me it's all empty.  
You can't feel it.

But I do.

And you know it.
You can feel that I feel it.
So you use me up till I'm empty too.
Because you're angry that I'm feeling you
When you can't even begin to feel you.

You give your love to he who hates you
Because only he can begin to relate to you
With me you share just your bitter hatred
Because I love you in spite of you

Inside you're raging
Inside you're crying
Inside you're broken.
But you secretly love it too.

And I can feel it.
I feel scared.
I feel alone.
I feel trapped.
I feel... I feel...
I FEEL YOU.