the crumbs don't lead back and they don't lead away. every breath and step, heavy as the hardest rain.
i feel you as close as thunder. mountains whisper about where ive been and what ive done. echoing out above outstretched wings and winter sun.
"this is who you are, who you were and who you can never be."
lost and found in the dirt. these leaves can't hide anything.
of all the stars ive named,
there's one i can't forget.  
always hanging here to watch the days fall, slow and overbearing.

i named you, regret. the ultimate consequence. there is no art in letting go. there is no light in your sky.

i wish that my bones were made of glass
so that you could see my heart
filled with only good intentions.

every night i fight a war that i never signed up for
my mind, shrouded in darkness
my hands shake, so afraid

there is no breath in my lungs
there are no fish in my sea
the demons came and took my heart
split it in two
and then gave it back to me.

"take a picture before i paint over her. she is beautiful, she was everything. i miss her. last night i dreamt of her tracing my scars. she said she'd never leave and that i'd always stay."
(converge)

i have weathered the longest of winters and i am tired.

there are some things we don't talk about. falling in and out of love and back again. the world spins and i'm still standing here. stuck at the start. days spent wishing my heart would stop beating. no more green eyes in the morning sun. wishing that i could return to dirt and ash. to let my spirit go.
you can't follow her there.

can you take me.
can you take me!

fall to my knees to pray but my legs split open. blood is everywhere and i am nothing now.

you're running and crying out to god. you believed and i forgot.

you can't follow her there.

my mind forgets the sun
the rain pours down into my bones
filling every crack
with fog carrying in
every mistake from the last three years
i don't remember what was beautiful
everything is lost
everything is lost

nobody knows my heart and all my secrets

just the moon in the night, watching

just the sun shining down in summer

just the morning fog lifting from the water.

thank god that so far my brain knows nothing at all.

i can't help but wonder where all this time has gone.

you were tall and brave
and everything that i wanted.

funny how the weather makes you remember things.

you ripped me limb from limb
but i will carry you inside of me until i die.

felt the cold one last time
memories of their hands, eyes fading through days before
i built this dark graft inside of me
nothing can tear it away now
words in my head are so loud
shuffling through hallways without an end
rooms with locked doors
the key is here but i can't reach it
i see your arms outstretched and do nothing
it's easier to be here alone.

the rain falls and the sun leaves
my great big blue sky
is gone and i can't remember
what it's like to smile

i was everything and nothing to you
i can never erase the things i did
the roads i took are still paved with
every decision
every regret
i can never rebuild
the bridges i burned


do you believe me
when i tell you i want to go back?

i wish that i could touch you now
hold your cold, blue heart
until it beats again.


i can't fix
i can't fix anything.

you are lilac velvet screaming
ten years and 3650 sunsets
hello beautiful, it's me again
i see your smile stuck behind
those days you lived and breathed
his every word

tower up into the night like a young tree-
fragile but wild.
uprooted, i forget
i forgive
burn out every piece that lingers
every word that isn't love
there's glass in my heart but i feel nothing
i can leave but have nowhere to go
a life lived too open
a half lie and i am bleeding again
i know you don't love me.
i know you don't love me.

what you hide and what you can't. the girl in the dark, the girl who calls out but hears nothing.

wringing her hands, consumed in the future-
what may come to pass or won't at all.

there is a piece lost, and i am looking in at a stranger. who has these eyes, who stole my lips and tongue?

i ran from you until my legs burst open.
i made it. but i can't run from this
this feeling of twenty nine hundred hands pinning me down
one for every shame, one for every guilt, one for every word i spoke in anger.
the blame carried across every plane of right and wrong.

oh what the world could've been without me.

i remember a smile that wasn't mine
the time and consequence borrowed,
what i can never return.

i will love you when i'm wild
when i'm sad
when the whole wide world seems too big
and the black night swallows me
i will love you in the peace of the morning sun
and when winter cracks my bones

i will love you when you cry
for your father and mother and for mine too
i will hold your hand
on the shortest days, the ones filled with joy
and the longest. full of loss, and regret
and deep despair.

trees stand tall,
bare bones waving in the wind
reaching toward the sky
all winter long
waiting for the right moment
that one burst of sunlight
to rekindle what lies inside
tucked deep within the roots.

you never left my heart. you were just tucked away there, the tiny part of you that i kept.  waiting for spring. waiting for light.

pull my face back in the mirror until
ten years are gone
erase the lines you've traced

i made the first mistake when i kissed you
the second i touched your face
you were everyone and no one
the times i wanted to chase you but i couldn't
the hours i spent alone.

here we are and now my hands are bleeding
carrying what i can never say
and i wonder if we'll break our backs
under the weight.

three figures standing at the riverbank, blank and still as that cloudy day. breeze less and boring.
I've counted twelve summers since.
you were long and high as the trees meeting mountain tops. a world awake and new, your eyes shining in the sun and your hair like a halo.
I couldn't recognize you without that mask. freckles dating back as far as blood and bone.
you formed in the womb then, the pieces you would always keep.
my greatest achievement was waiting.
you never came but I never stopped. my dreams locked you out. where is our safe word?
buried there deep below the rocks, water rushing too fast over top to ever recover. my balance, my head, your conscience.

there is sand in my soul
from every river bank and ocean's edge
i've ever walked upon.

forgive me--
i am still coming home to myself
still sorting through the darkest parts.
some days i seem wild, restless,
and you may not understand me.
some days i am afraid to move, to live,
and it may be hard to love me.
remember i too am still learning to love
the pieces that don't fit together,
the cracks in me that aren't filled with gold.
on days when i cannot smile,
forgive me.

the world was mine. the whole wide world.
alone with your smile. me and you in your room listening to every song we'd ever loved.
you were my best friend then. but things got messy and i got lost.
a lot of words i wanted to take back, i couldn't.
tasting blood for years. biting back what i wanted. what my heart forgot.
loving you felt like jumping from the 4th floor balcony. broken but
i'll be alright.
"you are nothing without her" echoed loud and often.
i plugged my ears, your face won't leave. can i ever wipe this clean?

i hear your voice in every
winter thunderstorm
reminding me that
you are the endless summer-
a tree with leaves that never
hide away,
the orange sunrise flower that never wilts.

when you are gone from me
i miss you as i miss the sun
setting too soon on a winter day
when you leave
and i am alone
i miss you as i miss the spring
and wonder if you will return

i collect
pieces of you to be remind me
that even when my bones
are racked with cold
you will return
and we will laugh
and touch lips
until i forget
that the sun ever sets.

i was
naive to how much it hurts when heavy things land on your heart.
and how long they leave a mark.

i think of you often. not about the situations. not about the mistakes i made, or the things i wish i could but can never change.

i think about your laugh, the sound of your voice. your irrational fears.

i imagine how you look now. the light behind you, falling soft around your face. your hair shining like dust in sunbeams.

the fragments of my heart that are fused with yours-

the parts that make me love summer rain
and mourn for fall's last golden leaves.

the parts too heavy for our chest to hold,
sewn into our skin-
this is why we feel sick.
why we cry over nothing. why we fear. why we dread
the coming of morning. the new beginning that will never be that,
only lonely.
apathy carried in with evening's shadows,
the last light that always fades.

billions of stars and somehow our eyes hold the same ones,
telling the same stories. of love, and loss. and growing older.