can you be my sun on a cold, grey friday morning.

can you tell me that living means something.

i don't feel like writing anything good.

i just feel tired and sad.

in black and white dreams
you are the gold.
you are the light, the sun, the moon.
the everlasting flame.

angel, you are.

we are all flesh and love and bone. my head hurts from thinking about the past.
who I was isn't who I am but I get mixed up when I think about us.
the amount of blood I've seen spilled over you would pour out over the mountains where we first met. filling valleys. washing over me and mixing with my own.
I can't forget because you still laugh the same. your eyes carry that same burden. pain you've bore your whole life long.
I heard someone say:
"there are all kinds of love but never the same love twice."

I believe them.

be careful what you wish for.
white painted over sunflowers
summer is gone and the devils are close
i can feel their hands
reaching, pushing tiny pieces of
fear
in through my ears

let spring come,
but i worry i will not rise this time.

there is a song to be heard in the great, wild wood
rustling leaves, emerald green
birds calling after one another
i stand in the rain, watching their wings
travel from branch to branch
i see the green grass curling around my toes
and wish that i could be as tall and strong as trees.

throw it all away. where are your hands. i ruined you and now i will pay for everything.
your heart was lost. mine was young. worried about never changing. always being last and never first. if i could bleed out onto you i would.
if
if
if
if
that kills me and you.

the earth was blue and you were gold
stone and sun, breathing in the same sky
i have always loved you.

the whole wide world opened up
the first time you smiled,
the first time you ever made me laugh
and you became everything.

who were we then?

"i remember december."

the season has passed.
winter's long pause lifted from your lips.
i loved you more then than i ever will.
your sun-starved skin, milk glass arms
shimmering like stars in morning's first light.

remember when you kissed me like there was no one else?

i will never forget you.
the blazing hot first summer in that house.
lying awake crying in the kitchen floor at 2am.
i held your hands but it wasn't enough
i wanted to fix your broken years.

the child forever still. motionless beneath the white moon. his tears formed the seas. otherworldly, spinning thread around the smallest finger. winding and winding, silver linings break apart. pieces of a life fall to the ground. cradled by the wind. carried over the earth and into the skies.

"you have always stood here, dreaming my whole world. i've sent word on the backs of sparrows. the lord of lonely, all you have written i would have erased.
born from dust and pushed to earth, i remember the stars like it were only yesterday.

can you help me make it home?"

place your stones inside of my eyes.
so that i can feel.
green from the ferns that grow outside of my window
yellow from the sun that never shows her face
bark from the trees, and blue from the sea.

i bet you don't write anymore.
and if you do i'll never read it.
i was sick and sad and i ruined everything.
you'd be surprised at what i still remember.

i romanticize who you were and where i've been.
god knows love sure as hell isn't what we thought it was.
for too long, i was young and stupid.
back when your hands were still in my hair.
i swept everything beneath the rug, for years it sits, hidden,
soaking into the floor.
when i speak of you now, "an old lover, a friend"
those pieces of december have long slipped from my hands.

your eyes were so god ****** beautiful
and i was a beast and a *****.
you were my eve, but i took the apple and gave it to the snake.

some days my devils sit on my back
griping my shoulders and using my brain as their steering wheel
"what can you destroy today? what will you ruin today?"
they speak so loudly until i can hear nothing else.

six years
we kissed there for the first time

how could you, how could i
a story rewritten
over and over and over.
blue skies spread out over our hands
and i see how you have carried me
three years
the weight of that, clouds so thick
i held my breath to make it through.
where is the sun on the other side
the warmth on my skin,
crying like summer rain
come and gone and bright again.
why was there no music played for us.

six years
i felt everything one hundred miles away
can you remember still
the green in my eyes
the snow that mixed the colors
that came later in the fall
before the cold

how can i, how can you
i dreamt of you tracing my scars
that you would never leave
and i would always stay
the hope of a life well lived-
i hear you laugh and it is everything.

"how we get older, how we forget about each other
entwined within the sadder of days."

your freckled eyes and stone shaped mouth.
perfect as rocks brushed by the waves.
young apollo.
you are summer shaped in winter's throat.
the fruit that seeds but never blooms.
a secret best kept.

kept tangled in your hair
bathed in spring's first light.

i can never break free of those i loved too much
for far too long.
i can finally forget you with my dying breath.

there are parts you don't see
the slow dying
the stores i tell myself
the holding my breath
the inevitable stillness of winter
i know her face well
eight stories tall, i will meet her there
wind in my hair, the cold stinging my eyes
i can hear your voice but barely.

the ocean in you left nothing in me
carried my heart away with the flood
washing away everything before
and after.

oh, all the wars i lost loving you.

we loved so much
until we were all gods
an extension of everything
bleeding out over seasons
over years that cannot be covered.
the way summer lit up your eyes
in the late afternoon
you were born from gold and
there you'll lay for the last time.
i loved you more than anything.

the trees were greenest the day you left.
i can't speak for you,
sometimes i can't speak at all.

eight floors up, i'm thinking of you again.

here it comes again.
the old familiar
the darkest night.

there are a hundred things that i could say --
tell me that love is real.
we are alone. it is dark. it will always be dark.
the sun lifts the shadows for a moment
and then the light falls away.

tower up into the night like a young tree-
fragile but wild.
uprooted, i forget
i forgive
burn out every piece that lingers
every word that isn't love
there's glass in my heart but i feel nothing
i can leave but have nowhere to go
a life lived too open
a half lie and i am bleeding again
i know you don't love me.
i know you don't love me.

the moon shines bright
so alone in that great big, black sky.
i wonder if it ever feels like i do.

and i wonder if anyone can hear me anymore.

when you were made,
your bones were dipped in gold.
your hair formed from the grass in the sea.
you washed up, still breathing
but i found you too late.

there are things i've loved too fondly.
the cool kiss of summer's rain
the first day of spring
high tide sweeping across my feet.

much like you, they come and they go.

i met a girl
she loved the smell of salt and earth and summer rain
she was blind. but only to her own mind. the inner workings.
what kept ticking and what had stopped. she couldn't fix the bad parts.
tried replacing them with flowers and broken shells.
maybe if they could fit just right. just maybe.

one day she fell while walking along the beach
looking for the perfect piece
but quickly sprang to her feet,
she swept the sand from her hair and sun from her eyes
minutes passed before she noticed the blood on her knees
she sat quietly on the shore
and watched the stream run down her leg and into the water
as the waves carried her blood out to sea
her thoughts spiraled
"how can i ever fix this?"
a man walked by and offered his hand but she shook her head
and said nothing.


everything you feel
like great big drops of blood
pooling up until they run
pouring out and getting lost
swept away until they're forgotten.
the salt water stings like every time
you said "i hate you." and "why can't i change?"


i never came here to change her. you have to believe that if you don't believe anything.

there is sand in my soul
from every river bank and ocean's edge
i've ever walked upon.

dear apollo,

i cannot keep you. there is no one else. you were born from fire and ash. your bones pulled from the cool earth and set aflame. the tides formed your irises.
the sun spills in through the window. the glow of morning falls upon your face. i trace the freckles on your shoulder. your eyes flutter to welcome a new day. you say goodbye with a smile and i know this is the last time.

to the ghosts of days that she can never get back. the seasons speak volumes while you lie still in your bed with blankets stuffed into your ears. the part of her you loved is dead. for the widower, there is nothing but the cold, dark night.

i grew a part of you

a piece i can't take back

i saw your face wrapped up tight

in a hall with blue walls and doors

left there alone

forgetting winter and all of your

bad habits

what i tried so hard to but

could never propagate

the sense of being here and being

enough

ten stones for ten years



"we'll meet again"

the sun keeps shining

on the days when i'm sure

that all of the blood in me

could never keep this going

and

spring's new leaves

have blown away



i remember

the forest i've built with what was left

the holes in my bones filled up with sand

and glass and stones

the very ones i placed so carefully

in your hands

every time i asked

please

don't let

go.

i hollowed out your bones. drained the blood from your veins. you were my best kept secret. hid you away inside of this glass house. between four walls where the sun couldn't reach your eyes.
hello, beautiful. winter is coming and you're going to a place where summer can't save you. the years fly by and i can't forget your name. the stain left behind by what we once were. what we can never be again. sometimes i hear your voice and feel nothing but

sometimes i see your face and it changes everything.
how many times you've killed me. how many times you've saved me.
and i know my heart can't lie down there. nothing can stay.

when the world fell dark, i shuttered because i knew.
i waited for days by the sea. i wished foolishly for the sun's return,
for the warmth of your eyes.

on the third day, i found you washed up, your wings stitched together with golden fleece.
your eyes were bruised, lifeless, and your hair, covered in sand.
i carried your salt soaked body onto the shore.
your hands were scorched, flesh falling from the bone.

i gathered stones from the water and sharpened one upon the others,
and cut a hole into your chest.
i pierced both my hands and pressed them against you.
my head fell and i closed my eyes.
i felt everything from years away. all that you had lived,
the days you carried the light with you,
and the burden that it was.

you awoke to the skies calling your name.
your eyes burned as hot as the sun you once held. your hands, aching, but healed. i brushed the sand from your hair with my fingers.

i asked you how it had happened but you didn't remember. you cried so long, until i didn't know what were tears or tides.
you took my hand just before your horses came to claim you
and then you whispered,

"here i'll stay, gold.
forever gold."

the world was mine. the whole wide world.
alone with your smile. me and you in your room listening to every song we'd ever loved.
you were my best friend then. but things got messy and i got lost.
a lot of words i wanted to take back, i couldn't.
tasting blood for years. biting back what i wanted. what my heart forgot.
loving you felt like jumping from the 4th floor balcony. broken but
i'll be alright.
"you are nothing without her" echoed loud and often.
i plugged my ears, your face won't leave. can i ever wipe this clean?

there are some things we don't talk about. falling in and out of love and back again. the world spins and i'm still standing here. stuck at the start. days spent wishing my heart would stop beating. no more green eyes in the morning sun. wishing that i could return to dirt and ash. to let my spirit go.
you can't follow her there.

can you take me.
can you take me!

fall to my knees to pray but my legs split open. blood is everywhere and i am nothing now.

you're running and crying out to god. you believed and i forgot.

you can't follow her there.

cut me out from the long black night.
help me remember everything --
your hair curving out with the blowing wind
amber eyes glowing in the sun
your hands like wings.
i wake to find you one last time,
your skin like ivory
and i couldn't do a thing
except try and hold up the stars.

how does something i love so completely
flood my heart
full of absolute and perfect happiness
and break it in two
in the same breath?

the road less traveled is the longest one.
the waters i swim are the deepest.
but if my blistered feet keep walking
and i keep my head just above the waves
i'll find what i always knew to be true
and trash the ideas of practicality

i have loved you in silence.
laying my hands on you in a quiet place.
my fingers tracing over your wrists.

maybe this is who i am.
never filled up. never whole.

i was
naive to how much it hurts when heavy things land on your heart.
and how long they leave a mark.

i think of you often. not about the situations. not about the mistakes i made, or the things i wish i could but can never change.

i think about your laugh, the sound of your voice. your irrational fears.

i imagine how you look now. the light behind you, falling soft around your face. your hair shining like dust in sunbeams.

pulled down by those same old fears.
neck deep, regret keeps you there-
just enough air left to breathe and remember.

he never dreams anymore. the thought of sleep
swirling around, brushing against his skin.
the image of a life before this burned upon his eyes.

he whispers as the sky falls dark.
"god, please let me drown."

you are summer's longest day.
apollo, the light is yours and you are mine.

lay your body down on the
sun
soaked
ground
and love me again.

love me so long until i have forgotten
the slow passage of winter.

how can my glass ever be half full when my brain keeps making me pour all the liquid out?

The inevitable end
A life lived but not well enough
A love not bright enough
A girl not strong enough

all those girls with the long red hair don't mean a thing.
i see behind their painted faces.
he may fall but i won't.

my earthly goddess. hold me even when i cannot reach you.
remember who you really are. who you were to me. the longest day in december. midnight eyes and worlds colliding. exploding into stars that i captured and kept for years.
i'm still holding on.

nobody knows my heart and all my secrets

just the moon in the night, watching

just the sun shining down in summer

just the morning fog lifting from the water.

thank god that so far my brain knows nothing at all.

"take a picture before i paint over her. she is beautiful, she was everything. i miss her. last night i dreamt of her tracing my scars. she said she'd never leave and that i'd always stay."
(converge)

i have weathered the longest of winters and i am tired.

the dark swallows me up
rips away pieces until i am nothing.

please remind me how your branches fall. let me catch their leaves. keep them warm before the chill of winter sets in.
i will photograph your eyes. please don't let me stay numb.

"how we get older, how we forget about each other."

there's some blood in my words.
there's a hand in mine but it's not yours anymore.

i have a bucket filled with all the things i should've done
i dumped it in the river and watched it all float away
none of it matters now.
not you, not me, not the sun in the sky
or the moon making love to the sea.

we live so divided.
but even the sun loves the sea and the moon, the sky.

i'm scared and don't know what is real.

the rain falls and the sun leaves
my great big blue sky
is gone and i can't remember
what it's like to smile

i was everything and nothing to you
i can never erase the things i did
the roads i took are still paved with
every decision
every regret
i can never rebuild
the bridges i burned


do you believe me
when i tell you i want to go back?

i wish that i could touch you now
hold your cold, blue heart
until it beats again.


i can't fix
i can't fix anything.

once you said "don't worry."
but i did. and i do, and i probably always will.

all taller than me, but not in spirit.
they taught me that not all beasts have long, sharp teeth.
the long night is not to be feared, but instead the reach
of their arms, holding me, smothering me.

i have been many women. all for them.
red hair and purple lips.
black hair and hip bones.
yellow dresses and curls.
each one removing a piece of my spine
chipping away at my bones
til i am nothing.

the world grew up around me
and suddenly i realized i had not grown with it.
still as a dead bird, i watched the seasons pass.
my veins filled with salt,
my mind burns now like an open wound--
i can never forget the sound of their voices
telling me who to be, how to hold my body.
always ringing in my ears.

let me be free. will i ever be free?

no one is fighting for you
from up above in the great big
empty sky.
the shield is yours to hold.
the weight is yours to bear.
guard the walls you've built
from bones and mud
and when flowers bloom
but never stay
spring will still find a way.