Tired -
of things that break
of waves so big they swallow everything
muscles and bones and guts
hair and blood and teeth

things that break and stay broken.

But we do look back
Don’t we?
I miss the ache I felt then
Nothing like the ache I feel now.
Can you replace my bones with scars?

hello? is that you?
i can still see the hair falling soft against your shoulders
the shoes you wore until the soles split in two
i can hear your laugh, see the stillness in your eyes questioning if it’s love or madness-
and you’re crying alone on your bed,
out the window there is snow and
you wonder how you ever ended up here.

can i tell you a story?
one day none of this is going to matter.
one day you will wish you had moved on,
you will never think about those people who hurt you
because your own body is going to take everything you’ve ever loved
and burn it and scatter it like ash
until you can’t tell up from down
until you’re stuck in a cave with no end

and there you’ll be again, crying on your bed
but this time you can’t leave, you can’t run,
you can’t change it. there is no one to blame
and no one to hate
so all of the anger you feel is floating around
with no place to call home.

and you will wish you had smiled.

pick your feet up
“I’m okay.”
wash your face off
“I’m okay.”
keep a smile on
“I’m okay.”

words cannot tell you what “tired” means to me
it is fighting and losing and fighting
rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat
wake up, get dressed-

pretend.

hello, it’s still me
are you listening? can you see
beyond my eyes that try to cry and can’t
this voice that tries to explain how it feels
to be trapped in a body
that does not love me back
where there are bars on the doors and I can’t
break out
my brain is a jar filled with grief that I can’t
let out
for a former life, a better life imagined

there is no safe place to go
not a day that allows me to forget
for a fraction of a section
that my own flesh and blood is
failing me

there is a song to be heard in the great, wild wood
rustling leaves, emerald green
birds calling after one another
i stand in the rain, watching their wings
travel from branch to branch
i see the green grass curling around my toes
and wish that i could be as tall and strong as trees.

you are like the great wild wood
holding secrets in the darkest corners
arms outstretched, this is where you pretend
you're as tall as the sky
promises never kept build up
you lay down one thing just to carry another
a beautiful girl, a million different pieces
glowing and bleeding and wishing
the stars will never burn as bright as you.

there are parts you don't see
the slow dying
the stores i tell myself
the holding my breath
the inevitable stillness of winter
i know her face well
eight stories tall, i will meet her there
wind in my hair, the cold stinging my eyes
i can hear your voice but barely.