every night i fight a war that i never signed up for
my mind, shrouded in darkness
my hands shake, so afraid

there is no breath in my lungs
there are no fish in my sea
the demons came and took my heart
split it in two
and then gave it back to me.

trees stand tall,
bare bones waving in the wind
reaching toward the sky
all winter long
waiting for the right moment
that one burst of sunlight
to rekindle what lies inside
tucked deep within the roots.

you never left my heart. you were just tucked away there, the tiny part of you that i kept.  waiting for spring. waiting for light.

this world still needs you,
every
last
drop.
the dreams you dream while the sun still shines
the bits of string that get tangled in your hair
your awkward smile when someone says you're beautiful.
every thing that i remember and the ones that i can't,
the things that i don't know now that we're older.

don't give up.

i was
naive to how much it hurts when heavy things land on your heart.
and how long they leave a mark.

i think of you often. not about the situations. not about the mistakes i made, or the things i wish i could but can never change.

i think about your laugh, the sound of your voice. your irrational fears.

i imagine how you look now. the light behind you, falling soft around your face. your hair shining like dust in sunbeams.

i keep imagining what it would be like to photograph you.'
you with your dented wings. your banged up heart.

the low-lying fog lit up by the streetlights
echoes
tree branches look like hands
reaching out as
winter comes to claim me again.

i broke the bread and drank the wine
but my hands will never be clean.

some days i feel this overwhelming urge to run.
run run run run run run because i'm afraid of something, of everything, of nothing.
run as far away as i can. until my legs break. until the engine blows. until my brain bleeds and i fall. all of me spilling out all over the ground.
run until i am nothing.
run to a place where it isn't just dark.

everything i feel is wrong. there is nothing but darkness in my head.
like being locked in a room with a voice calling you out, but you can't see anything and you keep stumbling around, your hands feeling for shadows and faces that you can only see in your mind.

i forget what is real. i forget who i was. they told me that i'm sick.
they said that all these parts of my personality are symptoms.

i think i will be the death of me.