I looked around for a knife. Remembered that night.
Wanted to forget my promise.  Remembered where the blade was, just out of sight.
resolved to write. fill an empty blank white
with words that might
let me sleep tonight.

when i think bout the future,
if i was looking back then, to now
idd regret it if i let this fall apart.

Hell, what can i say,It's always been this way.
we connect randomly.(is this seat taken?)
break off.(stupid boy|girl segregation)
diverge. (across bus aisles)
recconnect. (hugs before you leave, subtle smiles)
risk.(hopped, hid, rode again in my seat those last few miles) .
create boundaries.(best friend, I'm with her, you're with him)
overstep(i daydream of you...)
overstep.(i dreamed of you last night...)
overstep (i dreamed of you last night again...)
recreate.(i ignore you when you speak, what was that last thing you said?)
walk on blind faith, a little too quickly.(we took two days to talk this over, two weeks to get into bed)
remember we are friends amidst all this ( i did)
and suddenly all the feelings, (or thoughts spinning in my head)
the ones that are thretening to surge freely through me, (undo me)
no restraint, (undid)
threating to take over my actions, my heart, my affections (am i mislead?)
(theyve already strangled my reason)(I'm brainless, because of you, undead)
experience a subtle but calming shift( smootheeee like thisssss)
when i remember(what we said)
I suddenly understand(this isn't wonderland)
why it is I don't want to leave(friends fight, we are friends)
you mean so much more to me(than i could even begin to express)
than emotions high arguing and a dozennn days ive cried( they are nothing compared to it)
you are my friend, (im beginning to think best)
and well, i just... i want you here, (just like this)

Probably the third time that I've prepared for the worst
can you see how much i hurt? do you know that i still thirst?
sometimes for my own blood, sometimes for my tears,
ive thirsted for what i've feared, for what seems now many years,
i contradict my self, and  twist my words and slay
the things ive said before, with the words i speak today
watch the way i walk, and wallow where i wait,
for things my malice stalks,  for people that i hate
wander neath the willow, weary, weeping,
wide eyed, my thoughts keeping,
me wishing i wasnt awake, when i should be sleeping

what are you thinking?
That you'll never be enough
these were your words
and they stung
wish you underdstood...
wish that i just could...
prove to you... to my self...
that i would...
stay through anything...
yes, i still love her, but i love you too

You're so much more than just enough...

cliche ****
i wrote clishe
she corrected it
irked me
there was a nerve
it hit
tonight she shirked me
off like a shirt that slipped
from her shoulders.
maybe, when there was a doubt, i should have done more than told her,
i shouldnt have done anything more than hold  her,
maybe it was a mistake, to think, our love might make
a bad decision okay, that things wouldnt change,
maybe break,
i dont know what to say
but ill fight, do what it takes
to face
everything
that i want to
escape
because somehow, this was fate.
Bleed to keep what you love,
before it's to late. . .