Here's the thing,
I remember when I thought no one would ever. Love me.
How could they? I was afraid of being loved.
I felt unworthy because I "wasn't that great".
I felt like there was something wrong with people if they wanted me.
Did they have a past? Were they crazy? Up to no good? How could they want me?
It wasn't until I met this guy.
He was different. He saw me for being the goofy girl I seemed to be.
He allowed me to leave those thoughts and find joy in being liked.
Weeks turned into months and then years.
Now we are hunting for our first apartment!
I- the one who was "undesirable" have found a good one. And he's cute!
I can't believe it. Maybe it is true.
That you must suffer in order to understand and appreciate the pleasures in life.
And here's the thing...
I am loved.

It's been 5 years since you turned the page
But the pain doesn't fade away

I remember when you laid still in bed
Looking out the window

Eyeing the sun
As it began to fade

When you wouldn't eat
Because your tummy ached

When you held yourself
When no one else would

You looked ok
How could anyone know

That you cried each night
And felt so alone

No one thought you were hurting
You looked so strong

I'm glad you're still here
I know it's been hard throughout the years

One day I swear you'll forget the pain
You'll have so much to share

You'll get there oneday

It’s like wanting a home
Somewhere to call my own
But knowing it won’t happen
The bridges are burned

It’s feeling lucky
To have shelter
But knowing it’s not
Gonna last forever

It’s feeling uneased
When counting the months
Thinking I am too lucky
When will my luck turn

It’s seeing your goals
They are so near
God let me reach them
Before they are gone

It’s being compassionate
Wanting to help others
Knowing how desperation
Can be so unkind

It’s feeling alone
Yet forcing a smile  
Because sadness is constant
Learning to mask it

I envy them
Because I’m on the outside
I look in at them
Happy and united
I eat alone
For the most part
I looked for safety
To leave that place
It wasn’t a choice
Now I’m alone
Looking in at them
I miss belonging
Being part of a family
I never get invited
To Christmas or Thanksgiving
Or any gatherings
I miss it
I see them happy
They never call or even text me
I tried for years
No one would reply me
Then one day I stopped
Choosing my sanity
It wasn’t my fault
To be bullied
Or the way they struck me
I've come a long way
The feeling in my chest has left
I use to squeeze it
To make the feeling disappear
But I stand alone
Much better than I did 3 years ago
I can smile and feel more whole
Time slowly heals
The scars slowly go

Here I am
A nurse to be
Doing this for myself
But for the man who created me

He molded me from his long work days
To playing soccer after the sun would set
He showed me what it meant
To work for my dreams

From rising above racist targeting
My dad had an accent
This didn't make him less
Than you and me  

His mind is strong and full of qualities
That racism can't see
Because it blinds those who believe

I am a product of a man
With an accent different from you and me
But I am stronger
From the battles he faught
To give me my dream

There's this feeling...
Inside my chest
Happiness and joy
It fills the void

I like it  
Pounding beneath my hand  
So loud and bold
Don't ever go

Whenever I see his face
It comes alive
Everyone please, I'm in love!

It's him. He's the one
Inside my chest
I found my feeling
The person I love

Everything seemed to be going so well for me
I was finding myself looking forward to the things ahead of me  

Until it all began again
Me worrying about the things that were out of my control

Feeling lost and alone
Because the door had closed

I wondered how I'd make it down this road
Because the last one left me so broke

And here I am
Looking down at my empty hands

Yearning for freedom
Yet holding my own

Dancing with friends
Yet feeling so alone
Because I tried to look pretty
For him tonight
Another fail
I'm not his type
He never cared
Dating is not the same
All he wanted was *** and drinks
Just a few dates
And that was it
What ever happened to innocent dating?
Time is lost with lousy guys
Losing patience every time
Tired of the same old thing
Lets go back to movies as dates
Holding hands and a warm embrace
Being free to make mistakes
That's what I liked
To date for fun
And go out as one
Brunch and all
Singing to the radio
We're still young
Let's make dating
Fun

It use to be what
Would haunt me
In my dreams
Make me cry
Waking up with blood shot eyes
I let my past creep in my mind
Let it torment me
Every night
I counted the days  
It would go away
Until that day
I would pray
To see the day
When I could not wait
Now I'm here
On with life
Looking pass
That past of mine

It's just a dream
Where the demons sing
All through the night
To wake me from my sleep
I wander through the night  
Figuring out where the noises ring  
Half asleep and just as scared
As I wonder what lead me to these
Broken stairs
I begin to fear
The noises around me growing faint
It's just me
Trying to make it up these stairs
The American Dream
With its broken steps  
How will I make it to the top
With the noises surrounding my
Every thought
As I climb
They begin to scream
Avoiding holes but hitting cracks
No one to hold
Because every individual
Is on their own.

They rip our seams
Looking for skin to see
Judging our being
For their very own greed

Wounded we are
Comparing our scars
Who is the beautiful Girl
No one shall ever know

She’s consumed in the conventional ways
Becoming a doll for one to play
A malleable soul
Waiting to break

The pressures of society peak
The next target yet to be seen

Start them young
Shape their mind
Show them what beauty means

Thin, tall, domesticated, white
Are these the standards taught?
Look at the beautiful models walk
That’s what they want
You to become.

It wasn't easy for me to admit
That I lacked good judgment skills

I didn't know what poor judgment was
Until I analyzed where I was

I hurt so many people
By not admitting I was wrong

I rejected being challenged
Because I thought I knew it all

I'm sickened at what I've done
But deserve what is to come

Poor judgement skills
Never warned how much it would ****

Experience only becomes a lesson
When you learn why it happened

No more excuses and blaming others
Owning up to my mistakes is what I'm after

When you're sad, anxious, and fearful
It's easy to ignore the reason

And there I was feeling alone
Upset about the things I could not control
Things going wrong
No sign had warn
But little did I know  
That these things had connected me
To our suffering world
So much hurt but little told
We meet the eyes of many
Those who refused to let go
Let your sufferings make you human
And empathize to those who know the feeling

There's one thing I can say
That is to never let a little rain
Cloud your many days

Things will go wrong
The innocent will be judged
We live in a world where
Reputation matters more than being wrong

So brace yourself and remain strong
Hold onto your family through it all
Close your eyes and find some peace
Because this world can drive ya crazy

Do the things that make you happy
Be patient for things will get better
Remember darkness won't last forever

I know this to be true
Things fall into place
When you're finally through

I lost it all
Long ago,
Walked along
Searching-
For what remained

Emptiness then
Kissed my lips,
Stillness hugged
My weakened legs

Standing there
I saw it.
Drifting away-
It teased my brain

A breeze so cold
It chilled my bones,
I turned away
Too stiff to go

So hard to breathe
The winter air,
A tingly hand
Then numbness came

Standing there
Everything gone,
I felt okay
For I remained!

I've lost a lot-
More than I thought I would,
I write to get me through
Holding onto hope.
I'd lose my mind-
If I didn't pretend to smile  
Because even pretend makes me feel
Worthwhile.
I've got a little-
Enough to push me on
Unexpected lessons
Value everything you love!
We think we're invincible
Until tragedy strikes us too,
Then we learn-
Never take things for granted
A storm is coming through.

I guess I can't help it
Missing your face  
I had such high hopes
I didn't think it would end this way

So when I think about us
It brings me great pain
There was never a good time
To end things anyway

I grew attached  
The way we talked
About things no one else knew
You were my rock

I felt beautiful with you
You played with my hair
We laughed about things
Our many nicknames...

Now we hardly speak
None of it seems real
Best friends forever...
A broken deal

It's hard to move on
When we got so close
I know time will heal
I miss you dear

They didn't understand
Why I was so skinny
My tummy full
With all my worries

Losing weight
That seemed okay
I'd fit-
Into summer clothing  

But they didnt see
The damaged me
Underneath
I was hiding

Until I learned
There was hope
I held my mom
And cried for help  

Now I pray
To move ahead
Never looking back
Forget regrets

It's been hard these days
Thinking about my life
The way things have changed
Away from my family
Who have made their own life
I wish I could go back
Into the arms of my mom and dad
I miss my brothers
Running around, playing soccer
I made this mess
But how long will it last
I want the days I felt happy
But life has shown me
That things have changed
I wish to be the spoiled child  
A kiss goodnight, tucked in bed
But I'm growing up
And I know those will only be memories
These are the days that have taught me
The days I've been alone
Only now do I know
What it's like to feel like nobody

I haven't been the best me
I've made mistakes that remind me  

I've been through hell to learn how to survive
But through it all I've learned that love makes me feel alive

When my mind was lost it found a way
To bring me back, enjoying everyday

I never knew how much love could do
All along it always seemed so cruel

Taking a piece of me with every tear
But finding a way to make me heal  

The days I didn't want to be alive
It found a way to make me whole inside

Only love can bring me close
To the people I dearly hold

Love is bittersweet  
Just a drop makes me fall off my feet

From the start
We knew
The special place
In our hearts,

Deep talks
Secrets sealed
No crosses
Count,

Netflix
Popcorn
Arizona tea  
Tears and laughter
Emotional disasters,

All the seasons
You were there
Holding hands
In the snow
And in the rain,

Chilly nights
We walked  
In the dark
Avoiding smelly skunks,

Because we knew
Through it all
We gained a
Friendship that
Would sustain,

Miles away  
Nothing will change
The friendship
That we gained

They don't care
We're just a thing they stare
Big curves, no brains
They think we're all the same
What we think, what we believe
They will never care to see
Our names are simplified to babe
Our beauty becomes our face
Our ideas go to waste
Our work gets shut away
In our homes, no way to claim
The wages we deserve
Because we are just a thing
To tame
Until time continues to change

She sat alone in that mindless zone
Waiting for a miracle to set her free
She didn't know what to be
The things she was taught
Kept in memory
Everyday that coffee place
Earbuds in, just a phase
But oneday her world did change
No more did she sit and wait
For a miracle that she prayed and prayed
She was the miracle her heart so big
Helping others, using that growing strength
A giving hand, a shoulder to lean on
People wondered how she stood so tall
She answered with a beautiful smile
Said it was keeping alive that burning light
The light that shines bright inside
A light so small we forget to see
The light that helps guide our journey
That light inside is our, Hope-
Tucked away, burning each day

How easy would it be
To hide from the things
That we did not see

To warn ourselves
Of the living thieves
Stealing our hearts, leaving us empty  

But do we learn
From those mistakes
Even when we feel so much hate

It's those things that teach us to grow
From crying all night
To feeling overjoyed

Take those days and teach yourself
Because there's no such thing
As life without pain

Down the road
Footsteps heard
A trembling hand
Silent screams  
A violent being
His reflection mean
She asleep
Just a dream
His ghost awaits
To haunt her dreams  
A lonely man
His presence seen
Only in her dreams
His heart so cold
A revenge he holds

When you left I thought I'd be okay
I was the strong one
Whenever there was pain
Now I've found im not okay

A crash that almost took my life
A mistake that made me want to break
A threat that had me wanting you back
My friend so far, now moving on

A flashback to what I was
So worried to be the one
Miss perfect, never any doubts
Those were all lies, I was so dumb

A harsh journey to find myself
I hope to push through this time
Because it's been a fight to keep on
I want you to remember my story

I  a witch
Curse away
At the world
Anything in my way

Gloomy days
I flew away
Cast a spell
An evil hell

Braced the doom
Inside my room
A lonely moon
In the darkest days

I cursed the day
That never came
I a witch
My devil ways

I poured my soul
To leave this world
The cast I spell
Forever to stay

Watching the glowing stars
I think of you
The day I hung up on you

I was such a mess
A million ways in my head
Cause I knew we were through

Waiting for a sign  
But my stomach knew
All the butterflies that never grew  

As my thoughts overcame
The silence that I gave
But my lips never moved

I could only close my eyes
Letting the world take me in
One without you.

I still feel the way you breathed
During the night
It was just you and me
We promised forever and ever
So young and naive
But you were the one for me
Held my hand during the night
Made things feel alright
Pinky promises
No telling our deepest secrets
I hope you will see
That this is the way it must be
That I must leave
Learn to believe
There's good indeed
After every ending
You will see

The one that knows
That silence isn't just for show
Picks me up whenever I'm down
Sweet words that hide the dreadful sounds
A little text to cheer me up
A smile, I know she cares
When I felt lost she was prepared
A best friend that was always there
When I thought I lost my mind
She held me tight by her side
Friends forever, the words we share
A loyal friend
No one will compare

I know this is scary
That you're afraid
But you know what
You're gonna be okay
You will live to see
Many lovely days
Black or white
It's up to you  
Stop the worrying
It's all in vain
You're a survivor
Many glorious ways
Laugh a little louder
Smile a little brighter
We're all here for you
When nothing else remains

Sunflower dresses  
That she always sewed  
I danced around
As the wind would blow
I would sing to myself
I was overwhelmed with joy,

She bought little gifts with extra change  
Pink watches, no words could explain
Her expression as it met my wrist
I was so lucky
Memories that will not fade,

When I was sick
There was always a home remedy
Drinking warm tea
Her warm embrace,

As I get older
Time will change
Leaving for school
The stress does age,

So far away
I should have called
You are so special
Forever in my heart,

As times get tougher
I will be present
To be there for you
No need to question,

Life becoming different
The worrying escalates  
But learning to cope
Is becoming a lesson,

Remembering those memories
Such a blessing
Thank you for the beautiful dresses

When we're young we wish to be old
To be independent, no rules, no doing as we're told

We become fixated on what the future holds
We forget how free we feel
Swinging up high as we push our feet through the humid air

Out till dusk, smelling of the sweet summer air
Our hair full of bugs from rolling around on the green, grassy hill

Listening to the calm breeze
Climbing up trees, plucking the leaves
Running around playing hide and seek

Playing barbies with our sisters
Painting each others nails with glitter
Our tummys filled with laughter  

We slowly begin to lose our imagination
No more playing around for hours without technology  
The playground was our mission

The wonderful days spent outside with neighbors
Inventing our childhood games that are no longer present
As we get older our lives become so different

If only we had listened
That being a kid was such a privilege

Keeping this inside
Bottled up
I'm so ashame
A secret to contain
It can only make me feel this way
Becoming weary from my thoughts
Jumping around looking at the clocks
As I watch with tired eyes
Sinking deeper in my thoughts
Here I lay
In such a haze
Letting time pass me by
Until I wake
From this mindless state

We tell ourselves that we are alone
He or she has it better
That these feelings are our own,

Going through the emotions
A person hunched over, a glazed stare
Show we care and ask them to share,

To touch the lives of many people  
Dig deeper and live with compassion
Understand that we are creatures in need of relationships, a self-satisfaction,

To feel we belong and that we are loved
To feel a hand on our back, someone asking if we're okay
To not be afraid,

It's part of our human nature
The part that we must never let go
It's what makes us special in this world,

That we can relate
We can help one another
Forget the jealousy and hate,

Having someone reach out and hear us
Makes us feel that we are a part of something greater
That we are not failures,

We can save lives
Say no to suicide
No more goodbyes

I wish I had told you
That trust did not come easy
I pretended like this was the way it should be

There were too many broken promises
Too many walkouts in my life that made it hard to believe you
Made it impossible to see good in you

All those years of insults that were buried deep within me
I tried to let go, but they stood out whenever I looked in the mirror
Teasing me, questioning those beautiful words you said to me

How could I let those silly words hurt me and follow me after all these years
Insecurities eating me alive
Making me feel like your words were a lie

You were so good to me
I was just so broken
Built a fort to save me

Lost family communication, lost boyfriend, lost school, lost friends, lost everything
When you reflect you think you've lost it all
But don't be foolish, everything is being redirected for a reason  
It all seemed so scary, being alone, different temptations, an unstable home
Learning how to get through difficult situations with no support is how we grow  
We don't always get advice through the blind turns
There's a reason that people make mistakes in order to learn
Don't let them break you down or define who you are
You are not your mistakes, your family will come around, school isn't going anywhere
But you, my friend, need to remain strong
For there is hope that will be found  
This is your journey and one day you can help someone with theirs
We are all human and we are all students in this hectic world
Please remain strong even if it all seems unfair
Someone out there is looking up to you and your battles in admiration
Show them that it's possible to get through it, show them your determination
You don't even know how strong you've already been
Set an example, show them that you're comfortable in your own skin
More importantly, remain strong till the very end

It's time to finish the race
Feel the hot blood run through your veins
Feel as your heart pumps harder and harder
Making you run faster and louder
The sound of your deep breathing
The trees blowing leaves around the field
The bugs landing underneath your heel
Making this all feel so real
Watch as you push through the wind
Moving swiftly towards that fatigue feel
Your arms forcing movements, your body in coordination
The sweat cooling with such determination
You see the finish now telling yourself you have to move faster
Sprinting, your muscles contracting, a mind game to master
Now watching the finish as you cross with laughter

A mother held her child wiping away the tears
She told her child a little secret about life and how to face the fears
She grabbed her child's hand, and explained the hurtful words
"One day you'll be grown and those words will no longer hurt"
Facing the mirror she explained that beauty lives within
The mother kissed her child as she pointed at her childs beautiful ways
That little childs smile grew so big, her mother then felt okay
To see her little child smile so big fighting through the pain
That little child, now so big, remembering her mothers ways  
The grown child, now so old, would visit her mothers grave
She thanked her mother for her kind words and for all that she did,

A love that forever grows

The loud screams ruled the night
She closed her eyes, never felt alive
She dreamed so big, it filled her mind
Her home so tight, collapsing with every fight
She left her home, towards an open door
She then discovered a different world
Many people with different stories
Each one always in a hurry
Kids working, the hunger rising
Increased violence, the tragic writings
That little girl her eyes so big
Working for a minimum wage
Lessons learned, but never in school
Strangers teaching these social rules  
Learning each day through her mistakes  
Not enough time for regrets to be made
A little girl in a big world
Always lessons to be learned

Those little toes that I love to hold
Your big, brown eyes oh how they shine
Your little smile making the room so bright
Your chubby cheeks I want to kiss all day
That baby smell, never go away!
Such a strength making its way
Your auntie loves you, no words can say
The way you look at me with that little face
Cherishing these moments, forever engraved
You are truly a blessing, a beautiful gift

Silk, wool, cotton
Whatever the thread
Life has a way of creating the trend
We the pieces it creates  
Picking different patterns as our fate
Sometimes dark and sometimes bright
But through it all it enjoys our sight  
Life is not fair
But it knows we can bear
Molding us with ever needle it waves  
Picking a start, sewing a million different parts  
Coming together sometimes ripped apart  
Writing our story with every pull and thread
Our story so much to be told
Growing longer and longer
For all it must hold  
Life never stops to take a break
Once it has started it must finish our fate

I will never forget the way you smiled
That little space between your teeth
How I made you laugh with just a little tease  
The way you said, "beauty is not about looks"
Sipping coffee, eating scones, talking about our favorite books
Going on walks, clearing our minds, making the worries go away
Life was better with the two of us
Those memories still at play
Life is not perfect but that's ok
Even as we grow apart
Because no matter where we go
You will always be in my heart

You are selfless, hard working, a great role model for the youth
You have taught me everything I know
From tying my shoes to good morals and views
I need you to be strong because I need you here
You were always my guidance through many difficult years  
Whenever I cried you always spoke so wise  
"No matter the circumstance you must always rise"
So now I ask you to remain strong through the fear
Keep moving forward no need to hide the tears  
You are my big brother forever wise and strong
Please know I will love you forever an unconditional love

I would do anything to see you smile
To see you grow old and raise your family
I would take what is causing your pain
And make it my own
You do not deserve this
No one does.
So I light a candle and pray
For God to help me understand why this is
To help me cope with this
Cancer is not fair
Such a monstrous thing
No mercy to spare
Please give her the strength to survive  
The only way I can bear
Help me grasp the meaning of this
To be supportive during these times
Please give her the hope to never lose sight
Because this is not the end
For this is just the beginning of a powerful fight

Green were his eyes
Catching on to her many lies
He kept trying to read her mind
But the monster grew alive
Eating away at anything in sight
Starving his soul
Feeding on the growing hole  
Leaving him alone to die
Stealing the joy out of his eye
Creating a monster still left alive
Hiding behind her growing lies

Different sizes but all the same
Our hearts are our masters and we the game
Pushing on our fragile veins
Leaving a trail of red stains
Locked behind a cage
Growing stronger with rage
The heart gives a message
Sometimes aching with pain
When betrayed, the heart will bleed
Teaching a lesson with every steady beat

She waits for him
Watching the wild world
People walking past
The zombies of this world
They sit together
Never speaking a single word
He's looking down
Staring at his glowing phone
She tries to speak
But she's hushed by a tweet
It's the girl
Saying "look up at me"
Now she's gone
He never heard her leave
Instead he nods
Staring at the empty seat

Have you ever felt so tired you stayed in bed all day?
Tossing and turning feeling the aching pain.
Have you ever wanted to close your eyes and dream life wasn't this way?
Wishing and dreaming it would all go away.
Have you ever repeated 'it's going to be ok'?
Writing in your journal that you've made it one more day.
Have you ever felt that little bit of hope that made you feel ok?
Realizing how much life has changed.
Have you ever cried to yourself for feeling so weak?
Pushing yourself to stay strong every single week.
Have you ever seen how beautiful life can be?
Driving alone, no one else to be seen.
Have you ever believed things will turn out the way they should?
That only you can understand this life in a way that no one else could.

Go back to those days we took for granted
Listening to the birds chirp their love song
Lay on the green grass feeling the sun  
Sleeping in late with nothing to do
Relaxing at the pool
How I miss those days
I want to feel the sun again getting tan as a fool
I want to play in the grass
Feel the cool water from the pool
Relaxing and sipping pink lemonade
Playing games until mom said it was late
Heading to bed nice and cozy
Laughing at our crazy tan lines
Feeling free and happy
Because we would be at once again in the morning