i want to remember
how i felt
when i didn't care
about the pills
sliding down my throat

i want to remember
how i felt
when my vision was hazy
from tears
when i slid my brother's knife
down
up
left
right
around my arms
legs
hips

i want to remember
how i felt
when the sick smile
drips across my lips
after the slice
when the blood
pooled up and let go
sliding down my arm
staining my sheets
the smile of ruin
of hopelessness

i want to remember
how i felt
when it wasn't about the pain
of the sting
but about the accomplishment
the representation
of my days in the dark

i want to remember
how i felt
the night into day
when my body
began to reject all the pills
and i puked and puked
and called for help
but remembered
it was either that the pills did this
or killed me

i want to look back
at a place where i'm happy
and loved
and love myself
and remember
how i felt
and know

it lead me to a life
that allows me to look back
as now

i am forward

What to say?
When the quiet mind speaks.
Outer world
From the inside.

When the quiet mind
Acts gently
And patches aren’t so red anymore.

When the quiet mind
Spheres more
Into vision
And peripherals shrink
And rest behind the
Telescope.

When to say it?
Thirty three

Who to say it to?
****** up and
Understanding.
Weak and
Lush.
Furrowed brows and
Triangle smile at
Morbidity.

Where am I going?
I’m kaleidoscope eyes
Resting on rafts
Silently floating down a heavy
Trickle
Perched toward the clouds
The wisps of waterfall’s past and infinity.

Will it consume?
Moth wing feelings
Stuck in the melting wax
Of a candle
Settled near a flame.

"you used to be so pretty
but now you're just tragic

believe in something
you're full of horse ****"