I think I'm homesick for you;
For your body and it's warmth,
For the arms that hold me tight at night
And caress me into the twilit slumber.
The comfort.

You possess this hold on me,
You hold a part of me; inside you.
And I'm homesick for your embrace;
The way you taste.
I miss the breathing of us in sync,
And the sweet way your eyelids flicker as you fall asleep;
The light as feather touch of your fingertips as they lose the weight of wakefulness.
The quiet peace I see in your smooth features as you drift away in dreams I'll never know.

I'm homesick for you.

I miss you when you're not around
So much sometimes it hurts
Like a pang that vibrates through me
A part of myself missing

You stole my heart with tenderness
And my body with affection
Laid my head down on your shoulder
And slept soundly by my side

You took me with a subtleness
Held my hand as we walked
Took me with you to the highest planes
Whispered things that had no names

I'll wrap my arms around your body
Slide my fingers through your hair
Touch my hands to your soft cheeks
And hold you to my frame.

Some day I'll carry your name.

All the red and green
snow and mistletoe
reindeer and hope
won't keep you here any longer.

They're taking you away from me
-and it's only the beginning-
They're seperating us,
and I know that I'll be missing

The lonely nights
the tears and frustrations
I'll be worrying;
war-zones are no place for Santa.

I want to hurt them.
I want to keep you here;
but I have no power in this situation.

Christmas morning I'll be crying;
I'll be waiting.

Forever waiting.

Hold me closer as I slip from your enclosed embrace
I can't stand too close to you
The fire is all consuming now
You douse the flames with gas
The cooling water long gone

Your fingertips trail along my arms
Leaving gouges
Splinters of broken glass embedded deep within
Blood trails and drips
You are the cause of this.

My hair is gone from the constant tugging
Yanking the strands is a form of release
Release from this inside pain.

My heart melts
Drips from my finger tips down to those forgotten puddles at our feet
You splash in them without a care in the world.

I want to know the love;
The love that feels.
Holds you in it's depths-
Don't think, experience the way our skin meets.
Your eyes hold the world in their glossy expanse
I wish the feelings inside me would be more easily expressed.
Your arms carry my dreams in them,
You take away the pain with a touch of your whispering fingertips.
These close moments hold the depth of my soul in relation to yours.
These words I write are the life I need to stop the pain now...
In the day I fear little; in the night I fear your god-
The power he holds over you.
Homesick for your missing hands,
The thoughts leave my mind in slumber.
The pure white blankness of my dreams-
Dreams aren't always blank.
To hope never to die with a scream on my lips, but beneath the weight of your love is all I can ask.
Dear, release me from this coma of passionlessness.
Watch me til you're gone
The soft little words you've left will be my life vest;
The perfect acceptance to believe your sweet heart and it's devotion, my buoy above the water's dark depths.
Moments with my hands in your hair; your hips on mine, are the only ones that I feel the pleasure of purity.

Isn't that ironic?

To **** myself or not **** myself, that is the question
I face an existential crisis every day
I want to hurt myself
I want to bleed, to wound myself physically because I can't deal with my mental
The questions and thoughts that plague me every day
I wish I could expunge these idiot things that run through my head
The stupid ******* people that cause me grief every day
Those people are the people I live with
The people I love
The people I work with
Every mother ******* person
I wish I could live isolated
But not alone
Live in my own colony of people that understand me as well as I understand myself
I wish I could operate normally
Not over correct for every ******* small iota of every tiny moment in the ******* day
Why do I have to do everything to such an extent?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why can't I just sleep a peaceful slumber instead of tossing and turning for hours before?
I hate myself
But do I really hate myself?
Or the circumstances that I face?
This life I live is not the life I want
I want freedom
The ocean
The sand to catch these unshed tears
The cold to hit my face
And something warm to embrace
I want ***,
But do I want it for the carnal pleasure or for the way it makes me forget for a time these turmoiled emotions I deal with every instant of every ******* ******* day?
I want a partner
But I can't trust

I'm so alone
I'm so alone
I'm so alone

******* I'm alone
How do I fix this?
How do I fix me?
I'm so alone.

No one will ever know the inner core of me.
Someone save me
I wish I were dead.
Someone **** me
I wish I knew real life.

Human essence is the dirt of the earth.
We destroy,
We do not conquer.
We forget,
We all still suffer.

******* us all to the figment of our imagination that is hell.
Every ******* one of us deserves it.

Burn us in a firey pit and then crush our bones to make the cement that holds us all unwillingly together.

******* **** me so I don't have to **** myself.

Nothing makes this feeling go away. No one satiates this gnawing numbness I feel.
I am a black hole that devours every good emotion
Nothing to replace it inside this empty space within me

**** me
**** me
**** me

Fire burning in the depths of my belly
Undercurrents of deep red passion
Lingering over the places that you've been
The fingertips that graze my skin
Are pleasure inducing tools
Goosebumps raise and shiver on the surface

It is nothing compared to what lies within.

War is so romantic,
Don't you think?
The women swooning for the strong men,
The uniforms and stubborn stances.
Their confidence in the rightness of their ways,
Turns the hearts of ladies soft.
The young eyes and naïveté of those lily white boy soldiers who believe in their invincibility,
Is so appealing to the women on the sidelines

The day dreams of nursing the men back to health,
And having one fall deep, deep in love with you.
Their nurse, caretaker as you have become
Appeals to that hopeless romantic..

But what happens when they return?
The innocence gone,
A haunted look in the beautiful broken eyes.
When their bodies are shaken-
And their minds aren't quite right.
Who has the strength to cradle their fragile forms,
And stand there beside them in the night?
To hush them when they cry at the horrors they have seen.

So many hundreds of thousands of wars;
Where the boys come back as shattered men,
Where they come back without their friends
And they can't quite cope with their new reality.

Yes there is romanticism in war,
But when does it stop being a novel
And start identifying as a horror story?

This hyper energy courses though me at the look I see in your eyes.

Your mouth, perfect and pink
Ripe for the taking,
My lips demand your attention

Words flow freely from my body to yours
Those instinctive gestures hyping us up more
Together now we find our release
Together we conquer our worlds.

I can think of nothing better than your skin on mine.
The trail of warmth left by your attention
Close my eyes to sharpen my senses
You have me arrested
Taken in by your love and affection.

I am yours, will it so
Be it true, let me know
I'll find you,
When you're lost and unprepared
I'll be there.

I feel so numb without you here
When I watch you leave it's as if my feelings disappear
I'll drink to take the edge off this lonely numbness I feel
But it won't stop me missing you
Not even a little bit
Not here in this place, without you.

(Not titled)
Blast off,
Lunar eclipse,
Sparkle and fade,
Amongst stars shining bright.
Ombred night,
Shades of aquamarine and indigo,
Wash over me and hold me still.

A small warm body,
A lithe, tight form,
The magnitude of you overwhelms me;
Let it be.

Keep me steady,
Form my solid ground.
Show me the light where darkness reigns.
Call me out,
Tangle your fingers in the chords of my soul,
Home is where the candles burn the brightest.

Inky confusion,
Diamond sharp insight,
These things-
They fissure and crack me.

Hiss while I burn,
Mingled with the ash of old and new embers of flames not quite gone out.

Time is slipping away
I
Must understand how to go forward
Everything,

I
S

So confusing and disorienting.
Lies have been unearthed,
I
Push forward through the pulsing, reeling
Pulse of my heart.
I
Need a way, to
Go away from this dreadful place.

A
Way to see the beauty in life,
A
Year of being free.

If the world ends tonight
And we all burn
Melting flesh, and charred bone
I just want you to know
That you've changed my life
And made me whole
And taught me how
To make love known
Through touch and gesture
Instead of cliche words
Through looks and feelings
Instead of pain and hurt
And I love you deeply
And I love you wholly,
So I wanted to tell you
Just in case the world crashes down around me;
You've saved me.

Emotionally stunted?
No growth there to be found,
I wish you saw what I see in you
The feelings all around
Your joy
Your laughter
Your smile is dear
When you're close to me
I only want to be there
With you
Holding you
Feeling your happiness as my own
I couldn't see how you saw your own
Emotion.

Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me.
To tuck me in,
To wrap the blankets around me
and hold me in their arms.

Sometimes I just want to fall apart.
To dissolve into baby tears,
and let the pain wash down and away...
let myself sink and feel numb.

Would you hold me as I melted down,
became water from my normal ice?
Would you hold me when my face was messy
and the sight was so unbearable?

Could you handle the way I am?
When my walls fall down and crumble,
because I myself am scared
to see the way I have become.

Emotionally stunted?
No growth there to be found,
I wish you saw what I see in you
The feelings all around
Your joy
Your laughter
Your smile is dear
When you're close to me
I only want to be there
With you
Holding you
Feeling your happiness as my own
I couldn't see how you saw your own
Emotion.

The ethereal world at the twilit hour
Is soft
Soft like the touch of mother to child,
Soft like the lines on the paper skin of the wise,
Soft like the remnants of deep sleep on your glowing face.

The intense violet hue wraps me in pensive thought-
It bounces off of windows,
And settles in the puddles after the rain has fallen,
Surrounds me in a dimming moment.
Twilight brings me peace the day before erased.
Twilight brings me the feel of your embrace.

I wish the words would come to me
as easily as they used to,
but I fear that I need some kind of
dissatisfaction
to expel the words in my mind correctly
so how do I express
what I truly hold dear to me?
In the cold night with these blankets wrapped around me,
I hold your memory closer
and pray for you to come home
because that word is the strongest expletive I can think of
and it took you from me.
I'm defenseless,
restless,
and I don't know how to protect you from so far away.

Sometimes a night can be so long
Stretch from horizon to horizon
Take the entirety of your future
To get through

Can last forever instead of 12 hours
Can take the feeling from your soul
Can hold you hostage inside yourself
Without letting you go

Sometimes a night can be eternity
Bending and melting your mind
******* your thoughts out to whatever unknown there is
Twisting your dreams into nightmares

Sometimes a night can break you
Make you sob
Make you bleed
**** you

Sometimes one night is all it takes to end you.

Robin's egg eyes,
Disheveled blonde hair,
Pupils that burn,
Entreat me to your lair.

Held me as I slept,
Caress me awake,
I watched as you wept,
About a life fictionalized to date.

Floral patterns surround us,
A ceiling of sky blue,
Close your eyes to imagine,
A mingling of two.

Under the star filled sky,
Above the deep black sea,
You suspend me,
You arrest me.

My heart is a glass ornament,
You are an ice pick.
The shards beneath our feet-
They are the pieces of my fragmented dreams.

I do not know reality,
My silence is my pain.
I find no comfort any longer,
I'd rather sleep again.

Show me ice cold solitude;
A blanket of neutrality.
Pause the sorrow and the ache,
Capture me in one clear burst of illumination!

A foreign land,
A foreign fate-
A catastrophic end.

I feel the lines on my skin
Raised and starkly white
And I feel the memory of the pain
From those many lost fights

I hear the voices inside my head
That murmur those bleak thoughts
And choose against what they tell me
Instead of adding to the awful spots

Sometimes I am stronger and I believe I will stay true.
Sometimes I don't win the fight but I believe I'll be better for you.

Hopefully one day it'll be something I'll never think about again,
But until that day I'll battle the thoughts and voices in my head.

The dissatisfaction I feel,
Makes me empty.
I am numb to my surroundings;
The daily chores of my life are neverending...

I want to scream!
Run away into the sunset-
Bath in the ocean every night under the moonlight.

I want to cast my clothes into the forest,
Dance around the underbrush like an ephemeral sprite,
Into the dark and twisted paths of the everafter;
Where fiction becomes reality.

I want to swim with mermaids,
Feel the shells entwined with their hair-
The scales of their tails;
Wrap myself in seaweed and sleep among the beasts.

Show me a way to satisfaction,
Adventure and awe,
Bring me to the place where the sky meets the earth,
That unknown corner of the waking world.

I am an island,
in a vast sea of people all around me,
the concrete waves,
and gray, cloud filled ocean,
envelop me and surround me with an ever larger foreboding of time.

I seek acceptance,
and the fellowship of someone to be united with,
but I feel close to no one.

The world is a lonely place.

When I think about it, sometimes I think it would be nice for certain people to see inside my mind
But wouldn't they freak out if they only knew?
The morbid thoughts and detached observations would put anyone off.
There are moments of extreme longing combating with the moments of distinctly cold, calculated plans and those are what scare even me.
To plan a way to go, to know I have it in myself, intimidates the me who thinks clearly and objectively.
If anyone knew the truth behind these eyes of mine
They'd scream and cry
They'd ask me why
I want to die so badly.

You're never far,
From my mind.
From my thoughts, my actions, or my words.

Your laugh,
        Your glowing eyes,
                The rise of your cheeks in a smile,
All make my heart swell with joy!

Your love lifts my soul.

Encased in sea-salt misted towers,
Above a carpet of teal waves,
I am surrounded by the howling of summer wind.

Storms pass over our worn walls-
As winter approaches,
It's grey hue ever more foreboding as the time slips past the gloved fingertips of the towers' lonely ghosts.

Soft and grainy.
Thick and comforting.
The heavy weight upon me,
Brings on a deep sleep
Covering my body,
Wrapping its length around me-
Showing me I can feel again
The warmth;
The familiar texture and smell,
I sleep beneath this mound of sheets,
Protected from the world.

The long moments of these long days...
They bring me closer;
Bring me nearer to touch you,
Feel you again next to me.

My future is a never ending whirlwind,
So many things and so little time.
This dance we step to more complicated by the passing second-
Take me in your arms and quell this rising storm!

My strength is ebbing-
The smile you wear my only hope.
With the memory of your smell, the soft pads of your fingertips on my cheek;
These are the moments that carry me home.

I hate to hate myself but I know I can't control it
To battle it
To struggle against it is so exhausting
That steady pulse against my fingers feels so strong
So vital
And I want to strike a match on my skin
Drive a blade in
Watch the sweet body nectar flow as if water from a river
I imagine the ways in which I'd die
If I drove a little faster on this curvy road of life
To inch that needle higher
Strike that sweet spot harder
Feel the pain erase the numbing calm
It's sad to feel this way
When everything is so perfect
Sad to feel insecure
When nothing here is threatening
Why can't I stop this thought line?
The linear steps to burial
Even if nothing physical
The mental is killing me slowly.

Have you ever been touched so lightly that the fingertips feel like feathers whispering across your body?
Have you ever been held so close, felt all the sinew and muscle beneath your lovers skin?
These caresses, the touch that lends fire to my skin, this is how I know.
To be joined with you is to fully become one with you; our connection is a whole connection between body and mind, nothing fragmented, nothing broken.
You are my buoy, the rope that I cling to in the quicksand beneath my feet.

My focus jumped out the window-
around 9 am this morning.
My heart and head are pounding-
there are so many questions to be answered.
What am I doing
with my life, with my choices?
I just want to make an impact,
I just want to do something real.
This chair,
this desk,
they mean nothing.
I'm going stir crazy in this life of mine.

I just want to tell you I love you a thousand times over and over,
hold you in my arms and
let my lips linger over your lips.

I want to softly stroke your face,
eyebrows to scarred cheek to chin,
and breathe you all in.

I want to memorize the way your limbs connect to one another;
the way your body seamlessly flows in order.

I want to feel your arms around me in the tightest of embraces,
hear the traces
of beautiful words as they melt into laces of hopes and dreams.

I want to imagine a future home
with love and
roam the world with our hands intertwined together,
stay by your side forever.

I love you.

It's totally fine
Guys are supposed to express how they feel first
Because girls dont know what they want, right?

But I know what I want
And it's you,
You won't want me too,
Because I need you and you don't know what need is
What trust in me is.

My hope is in your soul
But I try too hard for you.
Make something out of these feelings,
Show me I'm not the only one.

**** me or hold me,
Just let me know what to expect so I don't take too much by surprise.

Why can't I just be needy sometimes?
I need you.
Why can't I just be scared sometimes?
There are things I fear about you.

And sometimes I feel like my emotions over-take me
And sometimes it sends me in a tail-spin
And half the time all I want is for you to hold me
but you're so far away
and my strength sometimes fades.

I miss you, and I fear for your safety.
It drives me crazy
The worry almost constantly present.
It's like there are two sides of you
and I am unsure of one.

Will you just let me in?

In my dreams I scream and scream
With no one hearing my desperate pleas
I wake to the cold and loneliness
That awaits me here in bed
Where is comfort?
Where is truth?
I know it's somewhere, I do, I do.
Calm and clear evade my fears
Here inside these dreams.

It's a beautiful day
     In a beautiful world
And I just want to
Let.
     It.
        Go.

The sky is clear
     My mood is light
My heart is open and free.

Music plays
The sounds of this restaurant surround me
I feel... Happy?

Contentedness is my safety blanket
   Am I content?

The beer is cold
     And my novel enthralling
          These people are too kind.

What more can I ask for?

How do I know how to cope with these feelings inside of me
When I know you could tear me apart
Rip all the seams from their repaired origins
And watch as the bottom falls out again
My heart can't handle
One more fracture
It'll end me
Finish all the things they've started
I need you to need me
Not leave me.

I'd rather be soaring above the clouds,
High above your embrace.

Where is your embrace?

I close my eyes and drift with the music,
Impervious to your embrace.

Where is your embrace?

These walls are closing in around me
Shutting the doors on my escape

Where is your embrace?

I'm not the one, not the one who knows,
How to hold your embrace.

Where is your embrace?

I don't have the courage you think I do.
I need your embrace.

I like to watch,
   From a booth,
Or a table,
         To see how they interact.

J'aime beaucoup les gens,
    Les personnes qui sentient,
Je boire.
     Je lire.
         Je regarder les gens.

Why is it that we are so alone?
    Qui connait la verité?

To split the skin
And feel the pain
Is a familiar numbing thing.
The year is ending
Closing the door to the last 365 days
It all will repeat.
Everything is the same
And everything is meaningless.
Nothing is the same
And yet it's all still meaningless.
No one understands this white noise that surrounds me
But the blade never fails me
And my thoughts never leave me.
No attachments to people, no attatchments to life.

I'm having one of those days
One of those no good, very bad days.
The kind where your vivid dreams haunt you
The kind where you can't escape the gnawing guilt inside yourself.
Even though you should have let it go long ago.

But I know the sun still shines.
I know there is still hope in those eyes
And I'll keep trying to be better, do better.

I miss those moments where I had the chance
The chance to go right, when I headed left
And I miss the moments that linger
In my memory, that come through in my dreams.
I wish I could relive the day,
We lay under the waterfall and all our worries melted away.

I miss the day,
Oh I miss that day.

Electric sparks on my bare skin
His fingertips dance across my abdomen
A kiss on the lips
A kiss on the hip
I can't help but bite my fingertips.
Fireworks sparkle behind my eyelids
Colin lights them as he moves
Connected and freed
That's what he made me
Removed what was suffocating
And breathed life back into me.
Showed me red in a sea of black
He gave me my passion back
Broke the spell
He broke the curse
I could not find a single word
With four letters he shattered my world
I'll never be the same again
If I could hold you another night
I'd go and book the quickest flight.
You shot right through my thickest walls
And put my heart in a hope filled hole
Your strength shows through your tenderness
I wish I could have memorized every caress.
I miss your face in peaceful slumber,
My arms around you
My lips on your forehead
My legs tangled in yours
I'll remember each curve of your body
And the thought of you will give me deep sweet sleep.
Our lives collided and mixed and mated
What the **** have we created?
I gave you mine, you gave me yours
And now we're raw and hopeless and lost-
Your love became my greatest addiction. I wish we could have lived this edition.
There's nothing more I want from you, but facing fear and starting new.

Why can't anyone see this vibrant pain I feel?
It burns across my skin,
It flickers beneath my eyelids-
I can feel my pulse in every nerve.

Why is it unaparent to all?
How can something so real not exist for you?

I walk with it all my waking moments,
It swims in the dreams I hope to achieve.
My heart can't take much more of this weight I carry,
It's oozing from my pores.

I hear the clarity in angel's voices.
I believe in the purity of innocence,
I just know nothing but the pain of sin and hopeless desperation for  the ability to care about anything at all.

Laying here...
In someone else's bed,
I think of you;
Thoughts of us dancing in my head.
I don't pay attention
To this new type of touch,
I reminisce in our old type of love.

When I hear his voice,
It sounds all wrong.
I close my eyes,
And sometimes it takes me home.
Where the sun is bright,
The sand is warm,
Your eyes are shining-
And my heart is whole.

Bring me back to you.
Take me down to the clear, deep blue.
Make me feel how I used to.
I just miss you.

I just want to find someone,
Who understands my need.
To wrap myself up tight with them-
And disappear inside their soul,
Find comfort in the girlfriend role,
I play.

Take me in and hold me close,
Keep away the ghosts,
Of my past and my future.
Because they take me ever nearer to the edge.

I need to feel wanted,
Or else I might just fade away.
Float on into the forgotten world of the discarded,
Part of the land of misfit toys and broken things that no one wants to see.

Gaze upon my face,
Is it empty?
Or is it full of emotion you just don't want to read?

Please just let me lay here,
With my face against your chest,
Your hands wrapped around me;
Tuck me in right against your breast,
And rock me, softly, to sleep.

The anguish I feel at leaving you
200 miles down
438 to go
This distance hurts my being
You struck lightning through my heart
I miss the way you feel
I miss the way you touch
How your kisses were so sweet
And your hands were so rough
I miss the depth of your eyes
The hurt, despair, and hope
I wish I'd had a chance,
To help you expunge your ghosts
I wouldn't change anything looking back
I just wish I could answer "what if"?
USA your smile is branded on my brain
My retinas imprinted with your image
Your scent and your memory will forever be a part of me.
I left my heart in Texas.

I'm not perfect.
I never pretended to be an angel.
I won't lie to you,
But I won't change again.

I hope you'll accept me,
For everything that I am,
Because I'm not going through again
What I've dealt with before...

I want to love you;
Love you like I've never loved another soul,
But I can't if you can't love me,
For my past and what it's made me.

I don't want to change my memories;
My experiences,
Or my reality.
I can only accept the past,
Accept what I've done.

I hope you'll love me;
Love me for everything that is me.

Missing you-
Is not optional;
Can not be quelled though I try.
Attempt to drown it in alcohol,
**** the emotion with a pill,
Smoke a little to forget the pain-
Of being without you.

I just want to be near enough...
To hear your heart,
Smell your smell;
Be close to you and see those eyes which I dream of.

It hurts to be without you;
To know you're in the world but not in my world,
To feel this empty space where you are supposed to be.

My soul yearns for the chance to know your soul,
Longs for the opportunity to pair with you-
Match your cracks and crevices.

I want to be the patch that binds you,
The stitches that sew you tight together,
The person you dream of sleeping beside at night.

I want your warmth-
The feeling of your naked body pressed into mine in deep slumber;
The feeling of your naked body pressed into mine in deep passion-
The feeling of you.

This hope for us is strangling me,
Smothering me,
Burying me in a never ending want,
No- NEED
I feel consumed by the thought of you.
Your lips are the softest place to fall.

He's never told me,
but he never needed to,
and isn't it wonderful,
to know someone loves you?

I've never told him,
but I never needed to,
to show him that,
I love him too.