i miss waking up next to you
the sun beaming on your face
as i stare at your radiant skin
the colour of caramelized brown sugar
the kind you eat off candy apples
in the summertime at amusement parks
while the lights from rides illuminate the night
the same way your presence ignites my heart
i am stuck in daydreams of you
and although the world is on halt
i feel an immense amount of chaos in my world
because you are not here with me
in my presence
and the thought of you makes me feel
and finally understand things
that were once incomprehensible to me
i’ve never been good at science
but with you it’s like i understand the concept
of gravitational pulls
because although we are so far apart
i feel so insanely close to you but...

maybe i’m just stuck in the universe
that i found in your eyes

You are a piece of me
And as much as sometimes
I feel that I need to be my individual self
I find that it’s hard to think of living my life without you
As much of an independent woman
People have perceived me to be
And as much as I’ve made myself believe so too
A piece of you lives in me
And I hate that the thought of being without you
Makes me feel incomplete
Because if one day
The universe decides to separate us
Or tear us apart
And I fall..
The way I fell in love with you
Except this time
I fall into a pit of depression
A feeling that knows me oh so well
A feeling that constantly lingers around me
Like my favourite perfume
I fear that I may end up losing both of us
And I know that pain loves company
And maybe I don’t want to think about losing you
Because I’ve grown up to be pain
And you are my sweet, sweet misery

Nothing hurts more
In this very moment
Than the thought of losing you
And though I want to give you
The reassurance you don’t think you need
The twisting and turning of my gut
The rush that my anxiety is experiencing
Refuses to let me tell you
And it hurts most
To know that
You
You were the closest thing to love
I have felt
In a really long time
You are the closest thing to love
That I remember feeling
Before I touched the deep
deep
Pits of depression
A feeling... that is slowly trying to familiarize herself with my soul once again
A cut tie that is trying to find the strength to mend its old habits back together
And I fear meeting her once again
Because I might be on the verge of losing you
But I cannot let myself lose me ever again

I’ve fallen in love with the taste of you
And the way you love to taste me too

I’m in love with the mystery you portray
And the passion you exert
With the affirmations you speak
And the love that we make

Being with you is like being inside while the rain is pouring down
The way you bring me feelings of comfort, relaxation, and an overload of emotions
And though most wish the rain would just stop
I admire the process
Because I know something beautiful is ready to unfold

My dear, we have never been perfect
And although I hate rollercoasters
I’m willing to go through ups and downs with you
Because I know this ride is worth it

And in case the universe decides we weren’t meant to be
A piece of you will live in me
Because you have brought me light and love
At a time where I spent most of my days in oceans that I created with my own pain and tears

And for that I am forever thankful.

our love was like the moon
beautiful and bright
mysterious
some nights you saw it
and it followed you home
other nights you went on a search
to find it
oh, how beautiful and simplistic
and i talk to the moon
hoping that you hear me
because our love was like the moon
sometimes so bold and beautiful
and sometimes..
so hard to find.

It's not fair that I am constantly giving out love to people who don't know how to treat me and who don't appreciate the way that I surrender my pride. It's not fair that while I cry in silence you get to live your life in peace because you do not care nearly half as much as I do when it comes to losing each other like is that fair?
It's not fair.
Do you realize that I put my heart on my sleeve for you?
You must not realize because you always want to cut your sleeves off on hot summer days even when you know how expensive that shirt was to begin with. You don't give a **** about the sleeves that I rest my heart on and you neglect my salty tears cause you are always in search of something sweeter
while still stringing me along.

Cut the ******* string since you're so strong and keep that perfect posture of yours because when you walk away from me I sure as hell better not see you turning back. I sure as hell better not hear that sorry-*** "I miss you" after months of me training myself to just keep swimming. There's plenty of fish in the sea sweetheart but never forget that the same fish you throw back willingly are the same ones that others pray their whole lives to catch.

a

I am in love with a person i no longer know
It has been three years since we last had a conversation
And not even a real one at that
And we encounter each other sometimes in the mornings
Standing less than a metre away from each other
Still keeping up the 'stranger' charade

I'm still in love with a person whom I haven't spoken to in the amount of years it took me to realize i was depressed
It's crazy to think that a person so distant could have this sort of impact on you
And I still love you
And I still love you...
Some nights.... most nights....
Stars seem brighter than they usually are and I find the moon and I have similar conversations

I'm unsure as to when i will get over you because
If i can be even more in love with you than i ever was
After 3 years of your absence
After hundreds of days, thousands of hours of not getting to spend my favourite days with you or share my new stories with you
Something has to be wrong....

I wish I could just take a peak into the future sometimes just to know if I wasted all my time waiting for something that was never bound to happen

if I sent you a book of all the poems I wrote about you
if I added all the love letters I wrote to you
would the memories come back to you?
or would you spend your days trying to remember my name?

this is to all the lost kids
who **** time at a pizza place
or a library
just to stay away from home

this is to all the lost kids
who plug in their earphones
to drown the noise of everyone else
to prevent them from ever hurting again

this is to all the lost kids
who pray every night
hoping that tomorrow will be a better day
knowing that it won't be

this is to all the lost kids
who result to drugs
because they think
it'll numb the pain

this is to all the kids
who wish they were someone else
who wish they had another life
because they hate who they are

this is to all the kids
because I was one of them
because I did all of these things
and I know how it feels
this is to all the kids

*a

I thought I was over you
until I came across a song I used to play
when my nights got lonely and thoughts of you filled my mind

I thought I was over you
until I kissed someone else and pulled back hoping it was really you

I thought I was over you
until I picked up that phone I bought in the 7th grade;
the phone we both promised we'd get just so we'd match & be "real" best friends

but maybe I am over you

the only problem is the thoughts and memories of us that still linger when I play those stupid songs
remember your stupid lips
and pick up that stupid phone with no intention of calling you ever again

*a

inhale
I took a breath of you
cause I was addicted
and god you tasted so good
but you were like a stupid cigarette
and at the time I loved you so much...
my escape from everything...
but after a couple puffs, you burned out
and completely disappeared
but that's okay because
you always seemed to come back
....
I took more and more puffs–
little did I know
that cigarettes were slowly killing my lungs
the way you quickly broke my heart
I was dying...
I still only wanted you...
but you were nowhere to be found
and although I enjoyed you all these years
the long term effect has destroyed me
so thanks for being the cause of my stress
and the thing that helped me overcome it
but I quit smoking
and I quit loving you
and I know they say quitters never prosper
but I still feel like a ******* winner
exhale

**a

it's time to forget about you
and keep you in the past

it's time to burn all the photographs
erase all the memories
cleanse my hands which you've held
and wash my cheeks which you've kissed

it's time to move on, you know?
quit following the paths we took walks on
stop hoping on all those future plans we made

but I'm afraid that I will burn my fingers trying to get rid of those photographs
and I will wipe out my brain cells trying to erase all our memories
I will be mortified to hold another hand and kiss another cheek

I will lose sense of direction forgetting about the paths we followed
and I will have no hope in any future at all

I thought that maybe forgetting about you would make my life easier

question: how hard could it possibly be?
answer: it would be harder than I thought

*a

my body is numb and my heart is sinking at the thought of...well...in 48 hours I will see you for the last time in a long time

my blood is rushing as I contemplate on whether to confess or just pretend that...well...what I've been feeling for the past 9 months without you never existed

and when I put myself in your shoes I know you'd tell me the truth about everything, but then I remember...well... I was never as brave as you in the first place

my mouth would freeze just at the sight of your eyes, sweets, because when I look in your eyes...well...there lies all our memories

"good night sweets
sweet dreams
dream big"
is what you said to me every night and it's only after almost a whole year without you I'm starting to realize...well...you didn't say it just to say it

and maybe I should've appreciated it before it disappeared just like everything and everyone else

oh sweets, come back and tell me things will be okay real soon.

*a

we were lost lovers
we were lost
and
we were lovers
people die everyday
and so does love
and maybe what we had
just wasn't meant to be alive

*a

everyone knows what you're like at 3 in the afternoon
but I wanna know the real you
I wanna be stuck in a room with you
at 3AM
with blunts and some alcohol
I want to hear what comes out of your mouth
when you are unaware of it and cannot control yourself
because deep down I know you feel the same
and deep down I know the feelings never faded away
I want to know the real you

*a

i denied being depressed
because i thought maybe telling myself that
would decrease the chances of it being true
but i now realize that denying your feelings for something
only makes them stronger
and because of this
i love you more
i hate the world around me
the environment i once thought was so beautiful
has now painted a monstrous image in my head
of what truly lies in this place
full of danger and lies and people who say they care about you
but actually don't
i have abandoned the memories
that linger in my mind
but no longer have meaning
i just need a new place to start everything over
i have come to the conclusion
that i have reached my breaking point

*a

lately i've been gathering my feelings
and have been trying to put them into my poetry
but they don't exactly come out how i want them to

i have words in my mind
but as they process through to my fingers
i, all of a sudden, turn numb
as if the words have frozen in my veins

i wouldn't say i'm depressed
more like a little unsatisfied with the things that have been happening lately
or the things that haven't been happening

and everyone says to stay happy
but it's easy to say that
when you're not the one overthinking every night;
it's easy to say that because you're happy with your own life

but of course i'm not upset that you're happy
for all i know, you probably deserve to be
i'm just sick and tired of hearing that i should lighten up
from people who aren't constantly dodging the darkness
from people who aren't battling between what they want, have and need
and most of all, from people who think they know
exactly what i'm feeling
when they really have no idea

*a

i want to kiss you
and make you feel loved
even if i've failed many times
doing so
i want to hold your hand
just like you held mine
and run my fingers
past your knuckles
i want to marry every bit of you
because i don't want you
to age without me
i want to tell you that i'm sorry
i let you down
rejecting all your love
because now i miss it all
not just the memories
but i miss every vein in your body
i miss the eyelashes that hover your eyes
and i miss the lines on your palm
i miss the colour of your eyes
when the sun shines upon it
i miss the jacket you covered me with
the love that you clothed me with
and the company you provided me with
i want to marry every bit of you
because i don't want you
to age without me
i want to tell you that i'm sorry
i let you down
rejecting all your love
because now i miss it all
not just the memories

I guess those memories
and words
mean nothing to you
because there you are enjoying yourself
with your new lover
and here I am dying
without my old one

I'd say I wish you the best
but I'd be lying

*A

Whisper softly in my ear
Tell me all the words
I wanna hear
And make it sound as beautiful
As the birds

Then as my neck awaits
Your mysterious kisses
We can both relate
To our past while each of us reminisces

"Remember when"
You begin
"You're telling this story again?"
No reply
Just more kisses against my skin

I love the sound of your raspy voice
The adrenaline when your hands touch mine
The pause when our eyes meet
Your hand on my waist
And everything about you

*A

Long brown hair with a soft ombré effect
A million dollar smile
Eyes of an angel
Lips of a ******
Brain of a genius
Hands as smooth as silk

But

Her long brown hair was to hide
Her million dollar smile that hid
The eyes of an angel who constantly cried herself to sleep
Lips of a ****** who couldn't speak of what she really thought
Brain of a genius who was filled with suicidal thoughts
Hands as smooth as silk to cut the wrists of a girl so insecure

Her beauty was seen by everyone
But
Herself

*A

We could travel to Paris
Then fly all around the world
Visit main sites
Explore the greater things in life

Or maybe have a picnic
Pb&j; with some pink lemonade
Just the way you like it
Soft kisses and tight hugs

After everything we can lay down
Cuddle as we watch the moon chase the sun around the earth
A sudden shooting star
But what more could you wish for?

*A