I want to suspend
Like stars in a planetarium
Or jellyfish in the ocean
Just be moved by gentle motions or violent starbursts
Never exert energy and never think
Just be
Feeling without thought an ideal
Thought butchers feel
I may drift into sleep
And all will be looming when I wake
Tomorrow
And tomorrow
And tomorrow ever after

Seeking help and telling truths
are only a beginning.
It's much more difficult to be frank
And allow a leap of faith
Here, have my soul and please,
don't share it or tear it?
It's happened before and now
I'm hopelessly helplessly stuck.
****.

I've constructed a highway
Over years and years
I've spent time blazing forward
Not daring to turn back
Mile after mile of groundwork
I've laid my track
and now that I've fallen I turn and I see
I've built no platform to save me from me

In writing the note, you must
explain yourself-
A feat I have yet to accomplish in life;
Express your undying gratitude
towards the few you loved-
Which I can only hope I have done well;
And apologize for shattering the hearts
of the ones who dared love you back.

And quite frankly
I will never be that skillful with
a pen.

I made friends but haven't gotten them, you see
So I'm just alone with me
Until the sun comes back up and duty calls
I make an appearance as the quiet one
Nod my head a few times, crack a pun
I'm there but not really there
Then it all ends and I'm done
I slink back to the dark of my alone
Me and my mind
My mind and me
Forever and always that's how it will be

I've been long removed from myself
Busied by this
Distracted with that
Hoping I've come to terms with myself
I glance into the mirror
And I crumble into 46 pieces
Each one more indistinguishable than the next
I am afraid and alone and afraid
So I am not okay
And it's not okay
But that doesn't change anything
Because I can't be okay
I haven't the time or the energy to spend being anything less than fine
I'm a mess
And not in the I-have-2-huge-papers-due-Monday sort of way
But more like the miserable worthless emptiness is all consuming and I feel too much and none of it is worth feeling
And I'm questioning the little bits that I had chosen to cling to so desperately
I am unsure and confused and terrified
Alone and afraid and alone
It's this vicious cycle of trying to be with people, being with people and feeling like an unnecessary presence, nodding my head dumbly without contributing anything of value to the interaction, then returning to my alone with an even further degraded feeling
I am hurt and it is hard
And I have been told that I am strong
I do not feel strong
I feel very weak and helpless and hopeless and scared. I am a child alone in the darkness shaking from the nightmare that I can't wake from
I try to be strong and supportive
I help other people as much as I can, I try to give and give and give and I am empty but I feel so I keep on giving what I don't have and I'm drained and hollow and I still need to keep giving because what if I stop what if I stop I can't stop giving because then what would happen I would cease to be and that terrifies me I can't stop but I can't continue and I am alone and afraid and I have people that care about me and that makes me feel one million and three percent worse about myself because for whatever reason there are people that give a **** about me and I love them for that but couldn't they just not care at all wouldn't that be easier if no one cared at all????? My feelings do not align with my thoughts. I know one thing and feel all the others. I hurt and I hurt and I feel and it is striking. I want to make beauty out of this muck that I so rarely allow myself to acknowledge. People have made beauty and colors from this emptyness then here I am with my head full of snot and the salt tracks sticky on my face as I'm breathing through my mouth which I hate and I just type nonsense into this meaningless emptiness and I stop. I'm hurting and I hate it. Other people are hurting and I hate it. The world is hurting and I don't understand how everyone doesn't hate it. I say hate too often, it's a word best reserved for Hope. Hope is the ******* that deprives in the same breath with which it revives. I **** its promise of future as surely as it damns me.

Indecision-
It has plagued me for near two decades;
And then, with frivolous concerns.

Which restaurant?
Which color?
What matter?
It doesn't.
It didn't.

And now
Now I am presented with this;
Preserve memory?
Or preserve perseverance?

Many will scoff,
'What use is memory without perseverance?'
Yet what is the point of persevering
Sans memories?

Over the years I've been stripped
Of hopes
Of dreams
Of the very life force that doesn't exist.

Throughout all things,
I've retained my memories.

I am the memories I keep.

My whole being balances for
the songs we sang
the people I've known
the stories I've heard
and the trials I've thrown.

Subtract these and you are left with an emptied carcass
A hollowed branch or
Dry-rotted root;

Others may see their past glory
But the carcass
The branch
The root
Are nothing more that memories

And what are memories
To the memoryless?