somehow i find solace in my closet.
in the sweaters, shirts, and shoes.
its odd, really, how one could love
the objects which cover the body
and not the people which
cover ones soul.

why must you stress me, soceity?
not thin enough,
not hot enough,
not... enough
you force me into a mould,
one my spirit just can't hold,
and expect me to go down quietly.
and, to that, i say NO!
i will not go,
will not let society get the best of me.

strumming- vibrations and friction-
friction against bare fingers,
callused from the repetitive motion,
creating sounds, gorgeous chords,
notes that speak of joy,
of sorrow, of.. beauty.
all from friction, vibrations,
strumming.

I

there is darkness, and i am trapped within it;
i am in shadows, bound, and cannot escape it,
although i wish i could forsake it.
my pain, my guilt, my shame
all bind me down and shackle me
to the walls of my lonely sinner's heart-
my cave.
although i wish i could forsake it,
i am in shadows, bound- a slave!
and i cannot escape it.
there is darkness, and i am trapped within it.

II

take the chains from my hands and feet;
take the agony and darkness of my sin
and let me crawl out of my cave-
the cave of my past and of my transgressions...
i must escape and hold onto hope,
i must run out of my prison
and find strength in the burning pain of sunlight.
in these broken chains, my heart will be set free.

III**

do what you want to me!
nothing you can do or say can make me move,
move back into the bindings of my guilt and shame;
those feelings i know too well.
i will live my life in the light,
no matter how burning bright,
i'll hold on in the darkest night!
i will live my life as it's meant to be.

the sea is wide open like the countryside;
blue waves replace green grass, and foam, the wildflowers.
the sky remained unchanged, though the wind was relentless,
each swell of deep blue water, a wild ride.
oh! how i craved the ocean air so fine!
the unfenced openness of the seas so free,
these waves that i could sail across forevermore-
there is no stopping me! no stop light nor sign.
maybe i'll stay here on the foamy swells forever
with nothing holding me back or tying me down,
and nothing keeping me from living my life's dream
of finding peace. i'll never go back... unless... you.. no, never!
finding peace- i'll sail the seven seas forever.

let the shadows rule and dry bones live;
dark creatures of the night, vampiric, give
light to the evil that is
the tenth month.
hide away, guard yourselves, your minds
for the darkness of your mind always finds
a way to haunt you,
to keep you up at night
in the tenth month.

i wish my prayers could offer up something,
but my soul has nothing to give,
no words that can be spoken.
is God even there to hear my cries as i live?
there's no one,
it's all empty space.
if God were real, i wouldn't beg for death,
wouldn't beg for an end, wouldn't plead for the dark.
some days i let myself wonder
that maybe there is.
maybe the good things are from him,
and the evil from a darker power..
but then again..
maybe they're one and the same thing,
or maybe there's nothing.

in the dark my value haunts me.
"you're a worthless failure",
"you're never going to amount to much"-
those words attack on repeat
and are only calmed by a lover's touch.
but why don't you drive your daggers deeper
and reduce me down to a thoughtless weeper
who feels nothing but despair and deep, deep anger?
all from words from the one i call "father".
don't you see what you're doing?
don't keep coming for me, don't keep pursuing
me as your daughter! i know why i'm running
away from all the pain that you're causing.
don't try to repair it,
your damage is done,
and i'm gone...

don't make the same mistakes i have made,
don't follow in my stupidity and naive behavior!
be stronger than i, because i'd do anything to trade
those memories and my dire need for a savior.
hold yourself together, dear, don't walk my walk.
let your actions follow the direction of this talk.

you will not fall apart, dear child of my love,
even though you feel pain, doesn't make you broken.
no doubt in my mind, you're a miracle from above,
so stay strong! take this poem as my token
of how much i love you- you being apart of me-
you will make it, i promise, it gets better, you'll see.

a traveler's life is what i require-
its all i want, all that i desire.
just open roads to drive across-
these things will quench my heart's fine.

i want to see the mountains, tall,
and the colors of the trees as seasons turn to fall
not to mention the far-reaching ocean shores-
all those places do, to me, call.

now wait a moment while i pack
and throw all my valuables in a sack
and beg you to come with me
to follow my dreams across every road or train track.

a feeling so uncontrollable..
i feel so incredibly in love,
so incredibly infatuated,
so masterfully swept away..

my dreams have long moved on,
you are no longer in the center.
every thing i'd ever wanted,
every thought feels haunted.

haunted by your awful memory,
your dangerous smile pulling me in.
i can barely stand the thought of you,
of all we built up together, too.

i've moved on, i've found more;
more than you could ever give.
i have nothing left to leave,
he's the one, i believe.

no time for you to leave me hurt,
no time for you to damage me,
no time for your love at all,
no time to let myself fall.

there is no end to us,
to me, we never even started.
there is no goodbye to say,
i've disappeared, so go away.

i often wonder what its like to be dead
and which direction my spirit would go.
would i journey to hell, and would there be flames?
or would it be dark, or icy as snow?
or perhaps i'd go to heaven post-death
to breathe eternal happiness in with each breath.
and maybe i'll go to that "purgatory" place
and end up being a pointless waste of space.
and there's the possibility i'll cease to exist,
which allows me to cross religion off the list.

i can picture it now!
you and me on a porch swing,
or me, the passenger when you're driving
with all the windows down.
lets do that someday,
just go for a drive.
and when the sun sets,
we'll find a quiet spot and blankets
and lower our voices to whispers...
whispers soft as fleece and cotton *****...
sweet nothings? no. sweet somethings.
i'm in love with you and your whispers...

why did
a high school senior,
MY FRIEND,
get diagnosed with
stage four
bone cancer
that's spreading
to his lungs?
tell me the answer
and i'll tell you
it's ridiculous
and unfair
and difficult
to comprehend.
leave me alone
while i sulk
and prepare
to lose him:
my old debate partner,
my old friend.
why is the question
without answer.

is it so much to ask for the cold to come?
the chill, the freeze, the long nights..
long nights with pleasant company,
blanket's warmth and tea in hand,
winter winds howling through forested land.
shivers, untameable, shake me.
your warmth awakes me.
we can hold each other
through winter winds.

stronger winter winds force themselves past me,
past my bare, cold shoulders.
i try to ignore it, but fail to see-
see that it's slowly killing me-
the cold that's not only there physically,
but also the cold inside of me.
that cold which numbs me to all feeling,
which makes me want to stay sleeping,
which also makes me want to begin waking.
and i want you to wake me- warm me.
the touch of your fingertips against me- hold me,
hold me against you, revive me;
let my lips rest on yours, rectify me.
protect me from the winter winds,
the winds that force themselves into me.
i've tried to ignore it but now i see,
see that it's slowly killing me,
but you breathe and diffuse
new life and love and peace
and joy into me.

with eyes closed, i imagine a deep, dark forest...
with eyes closed, i picture dew on the leaves and
                             pine needles- the rocks, the ground.
with eyes closed, i can hear a creek whose water is
                             running, flowing, curving downstream.
with eyes closed, i feel so... empty...
with eyes closed, i try to imagine you.

define, for me, truth
of the absolute variety,
and then maybe
i will reconsider
my moral standings.
BUT.
(in the meantime)
do not speak on
what you do not know.
open your mind!
to let new ideas flood it
like a house in a valley
after a torrential downpour.
you say "you won't get far
with THAT attitude"-
and to that i say
"WATCH ME."
i'll be flying a mile high
while you watch from below;
eyes wide with shock,
jaw open on the ***** ground.
tell me,
how does that taste?