he was so intoxicating
and little old me
never thought
that could be a bad thing.

little old me
never thought
the thing i loved most about him
would put me in storms of hopelessness.

little old me
never thought
indulging in something
that made my head spin
and my heart quiver
would cause me an ocean of damage.

little old me
never thought
i would be in a place
where i would wish for someone
to rip my heart out of my chest,
because i was sick of having to feel
the hurricane of heaving pain
it held from the day he left.

/little old me/

don’t fall in love with a nice guy.
once it’s all over,
you’ll blame yourself
for everything that went wrong.
because how could it have been him?
he was a nice guy.

/lies about nice guys/

i had mastered the art of pretending
pretending like i didn’t care.
pretending like i was happy.
pretending like it didn’t matter.
‘hold it in,’ and
‘show a soft smile,’ i’d say.
‘let out a little laugh,’
i’d tell myself.

but what i realized was that
my soul was trying desperately
to express itself,
and bottling it up
and holding it in
was slowly destroying me.

so say you are desperately falling for him.
tell that girl her comment was uncalled for.
cry when you’re having a horrible day.
your emotions are raw expressions of your soul-
don’t you harbor them silently inside.

/master of pretending/

a constant feeling of angst
worry, grief.
a tension in my bones
growing me older
moment by moment
how can I be expected to carry on
when it feels like
the crushing weight of the world
is on my shoulders?

/atlas/

his heart was murky sea water in january
and curious me bent down to have a look.
“you’re the one” he would whisper.
i didn’t realize what he was saying
was a siren’s song, a shivering-sweet melody
that beckoned me to jump in.
and when i dove head first into those frigid waters
not knowing he would devour me- tear my heart to pieces.
when i swam to the shore damaged and quivering,
not knowing how long it would take to recover- to trust again,
when i screamed at him “liar!”
not knowing it didn’t bother him- he didn’t care,
when i cried for weeks,
no one was there.
no one but me.

/he’s done this before/

never a sound slipped from her mouth
when she snuck her way outside her house
let’s taste a bit of “fun” they said
and told her to drink til the world was red-
when nothing seemed to make sense anymore
when all her thoughts turned into a blur
but no matter how much or how hard she would try
she could never drown her sorrow in wine

/she still drank/

When it was all over
When everything was done
The one thing she hated most
Was the silence that spoke.
When it was all over
When time turned to stone
She stood stolid in ponder
Wondering if she could have tried harder
When it was all over
When skin turned to bone
Her heart still remembers
The fire of those smoldering embers

/when it was all over/