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Annie Aug 2014
I hate how my dreams about you are always good.
I hate waking up from them.
I hate waking up.
Annie Aug 2014
Our first date was innocent and perfect and slow.
We talked for hours and I committed the way your hands felt to memory.
We kissed and I was nervous and you didn't push me.

The dates in between were a blur.
Casual hang outs we both knew were more.
I was truly happy.

But our fifth date was different.
It felt rushed and the look in your eyes was off.
We talked for hours again but this time you hit me.
We got into the back of my car and the next
morning I woke up feeling ***** and bruised.

By this point I knew you were not what I wanted.
I was no longer happy with you but you had an
unexplainable grip on me and I was practically
on my knees begging you to love me.

I did not like you, I did not like what you did to me.
You made me feel childish and insecure even
when I could see how you were simply using me.
But we were temporary, so I stayed.

On our last night, you told me you couldn't figure me
out and you never called me after that.
I guess in trying to protect myself I became a
mystery so complex you didn't want to bother.

And somehow, despite all the pain you put me through,
you leaving out of nowhere is what hurt me the most.
(not really a poem, just needed to get it out)
Annie May 2014
People always clap for the wrong reasons,
And the best at ****** are those who preach against it.  
Evil is not intrinsic. It’s fashioned.  
I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.  
There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out.  
I talk to God but the sky is empty;
This love is silent.  
It’s exponentially bigger than you think;
It’s what you feel, but can’t articulate out loud.  

Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.  
And neither the angels in the heaven above nor the demons down under the sea
Or the ghosts inside of me
Ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  
It’s easier to floss with barbed wire than
Admit that we love evil too well to give it up.  
Youth is a blunder, old age a regret;
But you cannot find peace by avoiding life.  

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
To struggle against this stupidity,  
I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.  
The troublemakers are just a handful,  
And if our times are difficult and perplexing,
We become what we think.
The earth has music for those who listen;
There are times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.  
Nature is a haunted house—but Art—
Is not a thing, it is a way;
A parasitic on life.  
It is easy to fool the eye,
But art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.  
We are killing a part of our souls
Every whisper of every waking hour,
And none of it seems real to me,
But everyone’s to blame.  

I have been learning how to die:  
My ribs are poking through and my coat is getting thin.  
Love lies hidden in every rose,
It’s a restless hungry feeling that don’t mean no one no good.  
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world;
You must let them go, they were born to go.  
There was never meant to be clarity.  
Let nothing disturb you; let nothing frighten you.  

When the wind blows, the grass bends;
There are so many fragile things after all.  
The earth breathes melodies in the wind,  
But those songs and bells were the laughter of guns
And their echoes are truly endless.
You said I should learn to sing along,
There’s paranoia in your veins.

Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be,
The world is filled with broken things.
You must have chaos within you,
You can turn a phrase into a weapon.  
Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind;
I always have to justify how my tongue dances:
I bite my tongue and torch my dreams.  

When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time;
To live is the rarest thing in the world.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life,  
And sometimes I can hear my bones straining under  
The weight of all the lives I’m not living.  
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to
Not let your fire go out.    

Love is always open arms;
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days.
I still want to drown whenever you leave,
But in the end you can’t always choose what to keep.  
Everything must be made as simple as possible,  
Yet fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.  

We must be careful about what we pretend to be,  
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.  
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored,  
Everything you can imagine is real.  
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live:  
To those who will see, the world waits.  
The sun only comes up to humiliate you,  
But the planet is fine. The people are ******.

You don’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope,  
They can make your thoughts as heavy as branches after a storm.  
He had preserved the best part of her  
And made it his own: the principle of her scent.
He told how “the heavy smell of flower petals stroked the walls of my lungs.”
But ghosts have a way of misleading you.  
We are all haunted, all of us, by things we can see and feel and guess at,  
And many more things that we can’t.  
We all carry, inside us, people who came before us.  

You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, do you?
Your hands went cold in mine and I’m still searching for warmth;  
Nothing burns like the cold.  
For when all else is done, only words remain. Words endure.  
The future depends on what we do in the present,  
The time will never be just right.  
Question the world and don’t wait for a reply
Don’t be fooled by the words of deceit,
Don’t let her stick it to your heart so hard.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple:
When you cease to exist who will you blame?
Everyone I know is gone, and I barely know myself.
cento
Annie May 2014
I am strong now.
My voice doesn't shake when I talk
and I smile more than I frown.
I've changed, but that's inevitable
when you're living on the brink of death.
My sense of humor has gotten darker
but I'm learning to refine it, to refine myself.
I know now that I will be working on myself
my entire life and will always be rediscovering who I am.
I find that kind of comforting:
the bad parts of me now will eventually fade,
and maybe they'll be replaced with worse but
there's still the chance that they'll be replaced with better.
And that's what I'm striving for: better.
Day by day I become more sure of myself,
every second brings with it a new lesson.
I am ready to finally be happy.
Annie Mar 2014
You only seem to care for me when I'm happy,
with one hint of a frown I know you'll be gone.
I thought this would be good for me, that
I would learn to be happy and full of smiles.
But I can't make my thoughts disappear and you
don't seem to understand that smiling no longer
means happiness for me anymore.

Smiling means convincing you that I'm okay
when that's the last thing I am.

Smiling means being normal when you want me
to be and not letting you see that I can't breathe.

**Smiling means suffocating.
can not give a **** enough to read this over srry
Annie Mar 2014
Being broken isn't fun, it's not beautiful, and
it won't make people love you.

Pushing people away doesn't somehow
make everyone care like you think it will,
it only hurts them when you never seem to make time for them.

Denying your problems isn't a sign of being strong,
it's being so weak that you can't even look yourself in the mirror.

And that. Not being able to look yourself in the
mirror doesn't make you tragically beautiful,
it tears you apart and destroys everyone around you.

You make excuse after excuse but one day people
are going to start giving up on you,
and it will be your own **** fault.

But you won't be able to see that you caused
all of this, because you're too busy trying to be
hopelessly broken.
Annie Mar 2014
It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
Some people prefer to say passed away,
or went to a better place,
but I'm still having a hard time believing you're
gone so I guess I'm trying to convince myself.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
That was the longest week of my life,
watching you but unable to talk with you.
I remember holding your hand knowing
that I was going to wish I could do the same
in one hundred and twenty two days.
I was right.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
We cleaned out some of your apartment today,
but it took us 10 hours to get through your closet
because we didn't want to let go of any piece of you.
But we did, we gave away 15 bags and 2 boxes of you.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
I found two pennies while we were working,
I know you were there watching.
But even if I believe that with my entire heart, it doesn't
take away the ache that has grown within me since you died.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
You brought happiness to every single person you talked to,
and I know you would want everyone to do the same.
I'm trying to let my sadness go, but it isn't easy.

It's been one hundred and twenty two days since you died.
I didn't think I would make it one hour without you,
but you held my hand through it all.
poorly written but idc

love and miss you aunt leisa
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