i wrote you a 4 page letter,
but I sealed it away in two envelopes
and a roll of tape
because once you read those words
you can not unread them
and you are already so
upset - I do not dare lay
this upon your shoulders.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but none of the sentences came out right
All I really wanted to say was
"I love you, please remember me,
do not leave,
it’s not that I want you to be with me
it’s just I don’t want you to be with anyone else”
and it took me 4 pages to say it.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but then i saw tears struggling down your cheeks
the suns light reflecting off of them
and i will not make it worse
so I folded it in two envelopes
and one roll of tape
and I shoved it in my
3rd dresser drawer down.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but you’ll never see it.
On the second page it says,
" I just want you to be happy"
So I shoved it in my 3rd dresser drawer down.
I can already feel the regret in my blood,
burning red hot
while I watch you go.

I.
i dont know how to be something that
you call home
and ive tried so hard
but everynight it rains
youre always sleeping
in someone elses bed

literally and figuratively

II.
im writing poetry for someone who
i have never met
i thought i was making love
with these words for you
but im not

III.
im still upset that you
cant see how bad this hurts
ill never admit it
because complaining fixes nothing
so what is it worth
i dont know why
it hurts this much anyway

IV.
but i have my mind
chained and *******
like some kind of beast
sometimes i miss when
people called me crazy

V.
being insane-
like an old friend
or love letters from your first
boyfriend in a box under your bed
i just want things to
be okay

VI.
the window pane is a friendly
reminder that i am allowed
to leave whenever
i wish
and these tired eyes
tell me that everything
will in fact
be okay

lets have them write books about
how we loved each other so much
that we couldn't stand it
so ******* much
that we did not know what to do with it
so we did nothing
at all

i am too self destructive to love
anyone but myself
and my misery
oh sing me to sleep
and wrap me in the dark
second best
always last
it's better this way

stale cardboard pizza boxes and
smoke ashy lungs are the most accurate
phrases to describe this summer
and i say that while laughing
to myself, home alone,
at the dining room table
but it really isn't funny
its ******* pathetic
and if you haven't noticed
I'm wearing all black again
and if you haven't noticed
i think i'm sad again

i just want some cigarettes
but i have no money
i just want to get away
but i have nowhere to go
and i just want to be okay
but I'm not
so i sit here writing out my
internal sadness onto paper
like it'll patch up the busted pipes
all it does is publish it front page
for all to see
this just in
i'm angry at the world
and no one cares
(why should they)

don't tell me its just teenage angst
or my hormonal emotions acting up
if i feel it then it is real
and if its real then why would you try
to tell me otherwise
because i have one hand on the trigger
and the other in my pants
or in your pants
or in this bag of chips
and its delicious

its like i just realized how ****** up
everything is
and i think id rather be rejected by the
opinions of man than
the natural order of the earth
so to hell with this place
and by this place i mean you
heres some rocks to fill your pockets
and ill watch as you walk into the river
just following everyone else
no second opinion
we are all afraid to speak

so i guess this is me speaking

it took me 7 cigarettes and two cups of the blackest coffee to get over the fact that
2 months ago you ****** my best friend,
but I assured you I was,
am, not mad.
If anything I was happy
that you could finally say it.

I am regressing back to old habits that I thought I broke
and my Dad told me to say my prayers,
but I am too scared to tell him I gave that up
Everything seems foreign to me and
I can't sleep without my door locked.

You took a drag of your cigarette
a drag so long i got rug burns
on my eyes
you could have sunken a ship
with the way you burnt
your lungs and I feel so bad
for you.

the embers were blazing
reflections in your eyes
tired in from all the worrying
my fingers are stained black
and there are needle ******
all over my body
ash and the stingy
linger from past words
floating in front of your face
like a ghost that you can't quite see
but he ****** my friend
and i ****** him
and he ****** me up

there is nothing in my bones
there is nothing left for you
i threw out all of the leftovers
it all went bad
the refrigerator is empty
besides for beer and dog food
so i shut the door and go to bed
but somehow i still feel like i ate too much
i hunch over the toilet
and throw it all up
the cards are all out on the table
and i was dealt the perfect hand
but i missed my opportunity to win

I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just ******* angry
a house built on hot coals
its bound to burn down
god i wish i was sad
(or dead)
this is too destructive
and we don't have the money
to rebuild it all