push it down until it isn't there
blocked out
blacked out
like those years
2.5

bodies hard and sweaty in the dark
hands and tongues
reaching
searching


2.5
forget and never forgiven
but somehow you do
specks of blue
across my chest



2.5
light the night for us
betrayal
but not betrayed
for not one; but two




2.5

After all that we’ve been through,

I thought we were okay again.

I thought that it was a change

for the better.

Night

after

Night

had come

and

I missed you

less

and

less.

Suspicions haunted me

dauntingly,

day

after

day.

and each time

I blocked them

they didn’t matter;

you didn’t matter.

I no longer craved

your embrace,

but you gave it

anyway.

I no longer needed you,

but you gave yourself

anyway.

Sunlight came,

and morning broke,

and you took it away.

You pretend

under false pretense,

and lie through

your teeth.

You clench them

and demand it’s me,

not you.

The truth is,

it’s always been

you.

There is a war raging inside you.

A secret genocide;

an internal homicide;

a battle you cannot win.

Where are your allies?

They have all left you

as you spin further down

the drain.

They left you

because

you have left yourself.

As you look into the mirror,

you see a stranger;

I see someone I once knew.

I don’t know you

and

neither do you.

All that is left

is the shell of a man;

sharper than glass,

harder than diamond,

absolutely sepulchral,

and hollow to the core.

I have touched you

and the glass began to crack.

And I can’t help

but wonder

if this was my fault;

your downward spiral.

It’s only a matter of time

before you break

and leave me

to pick up the

pieces.

Is this really worth it?

I feel the craving

as the smoke fills the room;

it brings me back to January nights;

nights of foggy perception.

and as the smoke climbs into my lungs

it brings me back to

nights with you.

You lit the fire

close to my face

and took

the pain away,

but not long before

you brought it back

again.

I long to taste the sweet smoke

and erase you from my memory.

erase everything,

just for a moment.

I long

for zen

for everything to be okay

again.

I hope I remember to forget,

I hope to forget I remember.

All the bad,

all the good.

Inhale,

hold it in,

and breath you out.

The heat of the desert

The steady beat of my heart.

stilled by the frigidness of your

breath.

Breath which never uttered

those forbidden words.

Words that sting like icicles,

Slicing through.

This exhalation which knocked

The fragile wind from my

Calloused chest,

inhaled again
and
took it back.

Now the desert sun beams strong

once more,

do my eyes elude me

Or are they flaccid?

Will the wind

come in whispers

and bring the numbness

of the cold back into my lungs?

I can only hope

And anticipate.

Please don’t make me wait

Forever

The smell of gasoline and sulfur

fill the emptiness

of the night

that changed me

forever.

Was it ever

that you cared?

Ever cared

that I bled,

just as you never did?

The hand stings my face,

just as

the gun pistol whipped you

to an early grave.

The grave

that you dug

yourself,

dug with hands

so guilty

they could

stain the night.

Could it be?

That

We are the same,

a part of you

is in

a part of me?

Let it never be

that I ever

walk a mile

in your shoes,

for you have had me

running from you

my whole life.

You talk

with your fists,

not with your lips

and

I won’t take it

any longer.

I deserve better than this.

And the mourning dove breaks the dawn of winter’s fall.
It’s call echoes and whispers in the trees,
Rings back into my ears and touches my soul.
The touch of your skin renders my heart and makes me start to forget.
The fire we lit warmed our hearts,
But burned the forest down.

Some things we can’t forget,
Some things we can never remember
And these things that we’re fighting for
Were never there at all.
And maybe you were never really there for me at all.

The darkness envelopes me,

as I trek into the forest alone.

I will take this journey

to find myself

away from you,

away from everyone else.

I will embrace the darkness

for no other will

take me into their arms.

In darkness,

I need no light,

I need no guide.

My light,

my guide,

is myself.

I will cut my own thorns away,

I will help myself up from my falls.

I will find my own way

without you.

I remember
Wine in solo cups.
lights in May
and smoky breeze.
bodies sliding
in the cold wet
with Lights
in the sky.

Dreamlike,
Druglike.

I remember
sweet, burning
water
down
my
throat.
Fire
falls into
the pit.

Dreamlike,
Drunklike.

I remember
darkness in the
light.
Light in
Nakedness
and soft embrace.

Dreamlike,
Fading.

I remember
kindred spirits
together in
fragmentation.

Dreamlike,
Gone.