everyday it's a round about way
to everything that's exactly the same
i haven't slept in days
not including eight hours everynight
thats how it feels at least
what's the point in sleeping
if resting is nonexistant
my body doesn't collapse or deteriorate but
my mind never rejuvanates
it's useless for me to be here if i can't give the situation
the proper attention i deserve to give it
i haven't selpt in days.

i'm going to curl up now
and pretend you're here
not sure if you'd help at all

it's just that
at the end of they day
i'm not sure what to do
and i'm tired of this ****

and at the beginning of the day
i'm not sure what to do
and i'm tired of this ****

it's just that...

sigh.

there's no one out there like me

that's for **** sure

you want to give love
i want to know it 　

you're solid with in numbers
i expect gravity to give　

you've been hurt
i haven't any faith in reality　

you've lost direction
i've got our compass 　

i'll promise you this
if you carry me piggy back
i'll point us where to go 　

be my landmark
i'll be your force
we'll nourish each other
piggy back.

dear Life,
i take vitamin c with chicken noodle soup
cause i need a double boost of immunity to you,
Life, you're virus-like
slow and steady persistant stream of attack
on my will's white blood cells,
eventually wearing me down with:
     term papers,
      lies,
      paper cuts,
      and a nicotine addiction
dear Life,
i got a triple boost of immunity today
i drank orange juice with my vitamin c and soup.
HA.

all the classics
on the radio
your hand in mine
smiling, cruising interstate sixty-five
and then it played...    

i got you, babe
          i think    
i got you, babe
         i hope (because)
i got you, babe
          i think i love you
...babe

i walk a line
some where between listening to myself
and listening to God...
if i truly believed i'd burn in hell
i suppose i wouldn't smoke that chronic i bought
and if i truly believed i'd burn in hell
i'd probably do my homework,
stop saying "****"and make sure to not flirt with men that weren't mine
picture this weekend scene;
saturday night, basement
drink in hand
smoke inhaled as clean and clear as everyday air
i would tell that nice boy
with the lip ring and name that starts with a "b"that i was taken by a special man
and ... and..excuses....
let them go let them roll as smooth as bacardi straight from the handle
bought at the local CVS by a bought-off ***
i guess i'm a girl that believes in hell on a bad day
when all bad things
poverty, homelessness, grandma's cancer and stubbing your toe
comes in the form of your dorm roommate
drunk at two am hollering and arranging the mini fridge,
when all the bad things feel as though they affect you directly
and if i truly believed i'd burn in hell
i'd be the girl that appreciated that remembers there's a merciful God
twenty-four seven always
but realitywho forgets
that life is a mystery
i write and it flows
and i know that these words are exaggerated because my conscious knows
i never miss a lecture, and is faithful to the one beautiful boythat actually gives a **** the day after
i'm the girlthat smokes a bowl
and worries about her soul
picture this weekend scene:
alone with a man
gorgeous and caring as could ever be
frozen lake front
wrapped in his arms,
perfect any teen girl couldn't want anything more
but unhappiness rests in me
it rests in his arms, sure neglected for a day or two
but this girls knows
clearity in mind strength through living empirically
and if i truly believe'd i'd go to heaven
i'd stop letting my worries write these ****** *** poems

i see through the gap in my teeth
and smile out of the side of my eyes
because when we were supposed to be right
we weren't
and when we were right
we still weren't

i've got eyes in the back of my head
but don't worry
they're blind

just like my mouth doesn't listen
but my ears say the darnedest things

just like
when our minds
weren't right

young folk

frustration
*******
she'd make love if she knew
if she could
if she would
when her life seems to spiral down
mental capacities limited more and more
she sips a little 80 proof
packs another bowl and waits for
life
   to
    BEGUN
listens to music that reminds her of beautiful boys
that have long gone
moved on
beautiful boys they dance and sing play music together
in her dreams all of them
together smiling faces
cheating messes
probation
with some hesitation
she'd make love if she could
life
frustration
make love to a bar of soap
it's all you got
they ended short short relationship with a parting wish
"go **** yourself, *****"
...and as she stands in shower
wonders if they'd feel satisfied
if they knew she did exactly that
it's all she has
one parting wish
and a bar of soap

simple and sweet
it started
a flirtation
confirmation of
   a "mutual understanding"
little did she know it
  was a
      spiral down...
to nothing better than what she has,
and had many times before
still it continues
it'll continue
until the "understanding"
becomes
"time to move on"
and
"i've ****** up"
and
"aw, ****"
look, girl
you misunderstood.

Occasionally in life you’ll run across an individual who leaves you confused, who twists words and life into something it isn't, who can't be excited for the rest of what life holds because they say they've tasted it all; You have two options upon this meeting, you may walk a faster a pace, protect yourself and go on your way, or you may dive into dark waters and emerge yourself in hurt; Emerge yourself in all who they are, and if this happens, you probably have enough intuitive to know you will be burned. The degree of the burn will rely solely on your confidence in God and that life's lessons will be learned after the scar and you’ll do it because you just can't believe life is done providing for them. So you have this opportunity to love them for what they are, but that love you give, it has high requirements. That love… yours, may be the kind that makes or breaks them. It has to be pure, there may be lust, but lust gets twisted and leaves people sick, your love has to be separate from the physical. It has to be unfailing through your own doubt, and you will doubt, you'll get use to feeling the bite of your nails as they dig into your skin in frustration, you won't draw blood because this love that have signed yourself for has to have so much patience,because who they are is far from who they wish to be, not even good, not even good for you, but it's too late, you're walking down this path you've chosen, hoping like hell it will work out, you love them, because maybe you're the one that will encourage the change, because this world has factors to form who you are and you know you want to be one of the factors in them,the factor that divides the pain and the hurt, and leaves them with the sight of a better life, you have to only hope that when this situation ends, that you will have protected yourself to be able to keep loving as you have, that the lesson they learn, and how it may change them, has been all worth your burn.

strip down to my skin
nothing ******
just lose it all
since i'm in the process of losing it
since all i feel is this vulnerability
might as well leave it on the floor
the jeans,
the shirt,
the bra and the underwear
crumple it up
leave it in a pile
be exactly who you are
****, ***, thighs,
let it all rub
let that natural born friction be
nothing to be ashamed
nothing to be shy
nothing to hold back
no clothing to match
no distractions.

no itches,
pokes,
just skin,
dry or soft it's just skin
no distractions.
i'm going tolet these freckles stand out
let these ******* stand to that
cold
chill
let my wet hair down
and let its water drip
and slide along my spine
i'm going to focus on that drop
no distractions
i'm going to stand here and be me
all or nothing,
and right now,
it's nothing.

come onyou canyou'll sober up in timejust spend the night      this shouldn't be happening      there are plenty of things you could be doing      rather than... this.       it will get out of hand      drama; you hate drama.you could be with your friends that care.you could be doing something that helps, not hurts.something that especially doesn't hurt yourself..Why truly Why are you doing thisthey're just over-reacting.it wasn't that big of a dealthey'll get over ityou meant what you saidyou have an opinion and you stand by itthey are wrongand youare right      that was uncalled for      you could have given the benefit of the doubt      you've known each other a long time     you could have asked calmer than that      it was coming thoughWhy did you do that!?you hurt their feelingsyou could have gotten over itjust waited it outyou could have done itnow you really did it

remember that time
laying in your bed
back when you we both thought we knew
and you stroked my stomach and kissed my hearts
variously placed of course
cleavage. stomach. hips. sleeve.
lustful sweet "**** me now"
boundries not crossed but completely jumped
eh, **** it.
but for now... your hands?
here...
and there.
remember that time...
you smiled and i laughed
made the moment
...laughter.
"ahh ****, ****."
it was just a dream.
snap. back to the percieved
whats the point if i'm going to remember every smile,
moan and laugh
replayed...
over and over...
****...
i'm fertile and *****.

you can undress me,
you can curl my hair,
and dress me up again.
you can make me an orphan,
or apart of a family,
i can ride horses,
or be your best your friend.
as you grow up,
you'll forget about me.
you'll find my creepy one night...
as my eyes roll into the back of my head.
you can disassemble me piece by piece,
or throw me in a gutter
but in the end,
i'm in your memory,
a part of your past,
apart of a moment in time,
i am your doll.
porcelain and breakable,
but very rememberable.

i lay in the dark and think back to childhood nights,
the comfort of a night light was there,
casting shadows on the walls,
creating hidden spots for lurking bad men,
but i didn't fear,
that small glow was a glow of
security not doubt.
a reminder that i was not alone,
just simply one room apart of a house full of love.
here i lay in the dark,
very tall and very grown.
there are no more shadows or bad men lurking.
it seems that these days
i've never feared more than the nothing i can't see now.

never wanted
from the start
to be or
not
   to
     be
   to
en-dure,
painfiully.
        he loves me    
                        he loves me not