While you drain that bottle of whiskey
And you wonder "Where did I go wrong?"
All your life you’ve been trying to be the best
And the prettiest
And the smartest
And the kindest
And yet no one even bothers to love you like you want to be loved.
So you form ****** valleys in your skin
You turn flesh into flaming sin
You find The One
Late night calls and good morning texts
A week flies by
Gone
Now there’s drugs at 3 am
And your mother is screaming “where have you been”
You sear trails with your tears across your cheeks
Stab at the moon
Dream about being ripped apart.
Then you spend hours and hours screaming
"I don’t need you! I love myself! I love me!"
They rip your perfect complexion to shreds
Never have I met anyone who wants,
So badly,
To hate other people,
If only just half as much as they hate themselves

I walk into her room, and it speaks to me
She is wishful and hopeful
Says the four leaf lucky clover
Unwillingly so says the paper dolls,
But still very youthful
Too embarrassed for toys
Sleepless and stressed says the fitful bed
Homework, appearance and boys
Brain overload, always filled with dread
All of this says the little journal
Pages and pages filled,
Shoved under the mattress
Afraid and unsure, whispers the teddy bear
Not alone, but only at home,
Reaching out but always withdrawing her hand
The tall girl with the (supposedly) ditzy blonde head

She hands me the apple,
Plump and green,
I bite
Apple smell soaks the air,
**** tangy
The next apple she gives
Is red
A band of yellow
Bite
Crunch crunch
Overripe sweet
Soft and tasting of summer
The last summer
All I remember is a hospital bed
A nurse telling my mother
Critical
Goodbye great grandma
Before we leave I give an apple back
Just ripe, crunchy and sweet
The visit after she hands it back
She says, don’t forget me
And with tears in her eyes
A wrinkly hand closes around mine
I’ll see you later
No
Not ever
She replies
After she died, I tried to keep the last apple of hers
My eight year old brain not believing
I thought she would live forever
Please, mommy
Tell me I’m dreaming
I put it in the freezer
3 months later
Rotten at the core.
With a burst of disgust I throw it away
Nothing left
Nothing gold can stay

They sold her house
The apple tree,
The last apple