He had this book, his favorite book
Wrinkled with use so that’s it pretty burgundy and gold color scheme was faded
To a crease lined reddish brown and tan

I've forgotten the title, like I've forgotten so many things about him
Cast off memories like clothes
Because they stopped fitting around the hole in my chest
But I remember the look of this book
So well loved, over the many years he’d kept it

He was like that, Mr. Commitment
Ready to hold out for the long-term
Ready for a wife and a house and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and family dog
I just wanted to run away from the horror show I’d always known
Because I’d been raised where love meant shouting, and heartbreak

Love meant my sister crawling into my bed at 3 am
After yet another fight over the phone
And eating only an apple for the next three days
Because to her dropping a dress size would make love her right

Love was tear stains on my pillow and broken bowls on the ground
As my mom and dad tore into one another for all that had gone wrong
Angry yelling echoing through the board game
That none of my siblings or I really cared to play anymore

But he didn't hold angry yelling, only overly excited shouts
He held me like the book, like he’d want me forever
But the book, as amazing as he’d claimed it to be
Had one page unmarked by the wear of his love
The last page sat unread
He said it was too good a book to ever finish
And this way he could read it again and again
Without any end

But he held me like he held the book
Knowing so much of me too well, from so many readings
Caring for every detail, from my obsession with elephants
To the exact time we first crossed the threshold of friendship, into something more
7:47 pm he showed up at my door at our first anniversary
I’d though he’d forgotten, he’d just wanted to get it right down to the last minute

He knew each of my chapters
Memorized paragraphs of me
To turn over and over it his heart, reading and rereading
Yet leaving one page unturned

I couldn't be an incomplete story
I needed my resolution

It’s 7:47 pm and I've never been more alone

I died a few months ago
I don’t know if you remember now
It was cold, frost sort of swirled in the wind
And burned in your frigid eyes
My fingers were numb and blue as I typed the last words to you
And my last breath came in that visible fog that cold makes
Almost a sob, but also a bit of a shivering shutter
My heart pounded out one final thud
Tired of racing at your smiles and sorrowful good byes
My eyes glazed over with that now ever present frost
And I wished, just wished, to hear your laugh once again
As the sounds faded away
In the brilliant white noise
And finally into silence
The silver blade clattered on the floor
And splattered the clear cold of my tears across the white tile
I watched as the red seeped through the tan
And I smiled
Nearly laughed at the bubbly feeling that boiled within me
The next day at school
You breath kind of hitched when you saw me
There was a sort of spasm in your throat as you gulped
As if you wished you could swallow back the last words you’d said to me
I wondered if you saw the frost and the blue
I wondered if you realized I didn’t breathe as I walked
Or as I sat
I wondered if you noticed the dullness of my skin
Without the blood pounding behind it
Did you regret it then?
Did you wish you hadn’t given up on us?
You must have glanced at me a thousand times
Funny how you never noticed I was dead

She’ll take it all and smile
Pretending she’s not hurt
Thanking god that at least she’s wanted
She knows his kisses don’t mean much
But still, she’ll take what she can get
Because even when it hurts it’s better than being alone
He says ‘I love you’
But means ‘you’ll do’
And still it’s enough for her
As long as she’s wanted
Even when he forgets every anniversary
And her birthday too
Even thought they fight every night
She’ll stay
As long as she’s wanted
She’s cries and he just watches
She’s constantly in pain
But he’s blind to it all
Still, she’ll take it all and smile
As long as she’s wanted

I know being with you will break me
But you will break me so beautifully
Smash me into a million tiny sparkling pieces
And scatter them like diamonds on wind
I know your love will shatter me
If I ever decide to let you get that close
But I know being with you
Would be wondrously beautiful
Even as it tears at my soul
It would make the loveliest collage
Of my shredded heart
Being with you would be like being the stars
Every pieces of me separate
And spread too far apart
But glowing
You make me want to be beautifully broken
So that I can glow in your arms
And fill in the gaps in your smile
With my shining fragments
So go ahead
Explode my world
Into a thousand glittering colours of love
And leave me with them when you’re gone
I’ll be beautifully broken for you

I love you in the evening
When the mist is cool
And the dark around us
With the stars above us
I love you in the morning
With your hair all a mess
And the warmth of the bed
Still cloaks us
I love you in the afternoon
When you eat lunch
While I watch the sun glint
Off the red in your hair
And laugh as you tell me I should eat
I love you in the dark
Hidden and secret
But I love you in the light
Even as my flaws are evident
Next to your perfection
I’ve never met anyone as perfect as you
That’s not to say you’re flawless
You have more flaws than almost anyone
I’ve ever known
But they’re beautiful wonderful flaws
So unlike the scars I bear
The scars you only half see
But twist and poke at
Until I bleed again
So I bleed out my love for you
In the evening
The morning
The afternoon
In the dark and in the light

We met
in a parting sort of way, we met
it was a sunny day
with a cloudless sky
that day that we met

it was a funny day too
I had a funny feeling
maybe it was destiny
maybe she was calling my name
or maybe she was joking around
when we met
in that parting sort of way

we talked for a while
less than an hour
more than a minute
it was light
with laughter
it was a parting sort of conversation
that one where we talked

I asked if you knew the time
you asked if I had somewhere to be
I said probably
but I wasn’t informed where
you laughed
I thought it was strange
in a parting sort of way

and when we parted
there was a good bye
and a have a nice day
in that parting way

but I forgot something
you see
did I mention I love you?

We have a checkered past
I call it a story,
Inevitability,
Or something beautiful
I don’t see it with your cold hazel eyes
I don’t dissect it into painful little bits
Trying to discern cause of death
As we’re lying entwined on a cold autopsy table
Before our heart beats have even had the chance to stop racing
I don’t believe it’s avoiding failure if we never try
I never have
You read our history like a eulogy
Citing each fight as a mortal wound
Recounting the tales
Over a mahogany coffin
Holding onto your love
Was like listening to a coroner’s report
Each “I love you” was a doctor, calling it
Was a DNR order
You are ready to dress in black
And call in a headstone engraving
With past tense dates
To bury everything
And just call it a mistake you had to make
But I am not an obituary

My descent into darkness
Slow unwilling
But slipping down all the same
Letting go piece by piece
Of the light, the warmth, the laughter
Letting it drain out of me
In fiery red droplets
Slowly until it’s all gone
Empty my soul and my heart
Hollowing out my inside
Until I’m nothing but a shell
Brimming with terribly empty tears
Wishing desperately I did not love you anymore

In
.
.
.
Out
Ignore the pain
It will go away with time
Just focus now, before it’s too late
In
.
.
.
Out
Don’t think about him
And it won’t hurt
Breathing won't hurt, with time
Just don’t think
In
.
.
.
Out
Steady, like the wind
Like the rain
Forever pounding away
Wearing down what was once solid stone
In
.
.
.
Out
Give it time
Eventually it will come easy
Easy as…
Well easy
In
.
.
.
Out
If you’re still breathing
You’re not dying
In
.
.
.
Out
Stop thinking about leaving just
In
.
.
.
Out
Listen to the silence
Forget how much you wish it was filled with a voice
A certain voice
In
.
.
.
Out

I love
Empty rooms
Because empty rooms mean no locked doors
They mean no hidden screaming matches
No unquenchable tears, from those you never thought would cry
They mean no sister doing stupid things
Or stupid people
That will only hurt her later
No sister you wish you could protect, like she’s protected you
No sister you wish you could save from heart break
Or impart to all the wisdom she’s taught you
They mean no sister who will spew the venomous words
That hurt more than any blow
They mean no whispered voices
Validating all of your biggest insecurities
No hushed secrets denied to you
No closed doors, locked or otherwise
Or even slightly ajar doors—that are really closed to you
Even a door closed on an empty room is an open one
Empty rooms mean space
They are a place to breathe when everywhere else suffocates you
They are a place to run to when staying hurts
Empty rooms are a solace you weren’t sure you’d ever find
A break from cold reality
And a pause from the crushing weight of the world that constantly pounds against you
Empty rooms don’t make you cry
Or think of what it would be like to finally die
Empty rooms are peace unlike anywhere else
Yet empty rooms leave a bitter after taste of longing
Because for all of the gloriousness of blessed empty rooms
They are still lacking and they leave you hollow as ever
With no one to fill the void
Still I love empty rooms
Because hollowness doesn’t stab through your heart with sharp fiery pain
Preferring to remain a subtle manageable ache

Explaining things to Matt
Is like rain
A fresh start
A chance to grown and to renew
To do it right
As the heavy floods sink into the soil
Into the roots
That shoot out beautiful blooms
Pouring over me and washing away the scars
And the doubts written on my skin
Stealing the staining ink away
Refreshing raindrops
Carry away the insecurities
So unlike the tear drops that write them
It’s like springtime
With my skin clear of the dark pen for once
The world is alive with color again
After the longest coldest darkest wait
But it’s like winter too
The first snow fall
That blankets everything with a clean white fresh start
It’s like laughing
A feeling that just bubbles forth and pulls you about in its wake
Refusing to let you stop smiling
It’s like a breath
After drowning for the longest time
In all my sorrows
It’s like singing
When you forgot you had any voice at all
Being heard
When everyone forgot they had ears
Explaining things to Matt
Isn’t joy
It’s beautiful blessed relief

You like bubbles in me
Laughter
Like all the smiles I’ve been missing
Sunshine
To thaw my frozen hands in yours
Music
Everywhere and in every moment
With you
God, how I missed you

I wish I did not love you anymore
Because loving you is like loving the wind
Intangible and impossible
You’re hardly here before you’ve gone away
Like a ghost
You live more in memory than in the physical world
And memories won’t warm your bed at night
But still I wait for you
My soul cries out for you and there’s little I can do to stop it
I miss you, more than I can say
It’s an ache that won’t leave
A constant buzzing in the back of my head
A gaping emptiness in the air about me
But still you go on as you do
Hardly existing in my world at all anymore
And I shout, angrily trying to get you attention
I scream, trying to make you notice me
I yell and you go on ghosting
Because it’s easier to deal with than my anger
And you ignore my fits as they build in intensity
Until finally I can’t take it anymore
And we explode in another mess of hurled insults and painful truths
And I walk out, tired of you leaving me
But I always come back
To your intangible impossible love
God, how I wish I did not love you anymore

Body electric
From the edges of my fingers
To the borders of my toes
Tight with tension as a bright flame flashes in the dark
Orange burst illuminates and then dies
Bright glow gives way to pitch black
Cloudy smoke shifts in the dark wind
Laughter choked with coughs of the abysmal fumes of ecstasy
Orange flits into being again and extinguishes just as quickly
The tree shift nervously in the breeze
Fresh air washes away the smog
Bringing a beautiful clear scent
Like cotton candy on the wind
Laughter again
Loud and hectic
As we tumble out and onto the street
Stumbling over our own feet
Moon bright
World bright in the darkness
Follow the din of crushed beer cans and crackling logs
Warmth in their smiles and the flames
As each greets us in turn
Here all begins and ends tonight
Love, laughter, and sorrow drowned
Spinning wildly in the cold wind
Stumbling around in a desperate search
Circled by leaves and wind
And paranoid ramblings
Moon larger brighter
On the warm wind
These are the nights

Slowly
Things like this take time
So unhurriedly
I pick up the shattered mess
With a little help
A smile here
Or a friendly nod there
Some a little too willing
Too eager to help
Trying to rush the process
To put it all back together right away
But things like this take time
So slowly
Without any rush
I began to fit them together
Like a puzzle
Not yet
But eventually
I know, I will have it once again
Whole and ready
For the next dashing fellow who comes along
But until then
Slowly
Things like this take time

Do you reside here too?
Amidst the dancing flames that lick your soles
But leave your soul cold?
In the thick of the desperate wails and tortured cries
Where no one lives, but everyone dies?
Between the tired used up husks of those who once were
And the fresh bleeding harrowed condemned?
Where the sharp silver hurts, even as it heals?
Where ice burns just as hot as fire?
Among the tears of the broken and the ******
Of the beggars and refuse?
In the darkness deeper than any night?
Surrounded by pain and suffering so sharp it stabs
Into you until you can’t feel anymore?
Could you possibly live here too?
No, angels don’t stroll through hell

You once told me
We all have our secrets
Everyone wears their own mask
Because being open’s too hard
And being vulnerable is frickin’ scary
And I laughed
Even as I felt the truth in your words
Later, when it was quiet
And still in the dark
My lips found yours and
My hands found their way to your face
And the seam
With your hands were occupied
In the tangle of my hair
I pulled away your mask
And you let me
I always thought you were lovely
A nice guy, but nothing too incredible
But when I held your mask in my hands
And met your naked eyes
I thought you were beautiful
The kind of beautiful that hurts
Because you see it even in your soul
Even if I were blind
You would still be beautiful
You’re that kind of wonderful
As the sun rose around us
Painting the moment in rose light
My lips found yours again
But I kept my mask in place
And as the light returned
You slid back into yours
Protective armor for the day ahead
We all have our secrets
You laughed
And let me keep mine

It’s been a while
He nods, eyes still firmly locked on the ground
Pointedly not meeting mine
I mean since we talked last
I’ve seen him often enough
Everyday like a **** knife in the gut
It really doesn’t have to be this hard you know
I lie through gritted teeth
Because even being near him now
I’ve begun to drown in his **** magnetic pull
My chest constricting in panic
As I realize I’m being pulled in again
He raises his head and his eyes are like hot pokers
****** deep into my soul
I stumble a bit
And he mistakes it for my usual clumsiness
Missing how much the sadness, I see
Buried in his hazel orbs, hurts me
Why?
The word takes me by surprise
As does the haunted aspect of his voice
Why him and not me?
I can tell how long he’s held onto these words
In the desperate rasp that takes over his usually smooth tone
I’ve been asking myself the very same question
Why did I choose him?
Was it to hold my hand
Or to hold my hand in the flame
I don’t know
He looks down again
Unsatisfied and hurting, just as before
I wish so badly I could save him
And halt the pain
But I tear through his life like a wrecking ball
As he burns up my world with his ever present pull
Destroying any peace I might find
I loved you
In the pause are all the things we’ve never talked of
The heaviness of his unspoken words hangs
Thickening the air
‘Til I can hardly breathe
My chest is tight and my heart aches
As it pounds away dully
Too tired to race at his declaration of affection long past
Too tired of his rollercoaster drama
We wouldn’t have burned out like that
I sighed hearing my fears confirmed in his deep timbre
We could have had something, something special
He was the better choice, I was wrong
This whole time I was wrong
As I've known all along
I’m sorry*
I feel his eyes on my back as I leave
Everything else still unspoken
But somehow clear to both of us
The pain of being near has taken its toll
And I stumble as I turn the corner
Tears already pricking at the corners of my eyes
I turn to see if he saw
But he’s gone already
Always gone

It's customary, I've been told,
When you split, to divide all that you had
Between you
And now that we’ve parted
There’s so much left to decide
Between the two of us

So I’ll take the scowl
It doesn’t look good on your face
You take the light in my eyes
It suits you much better
I’ll take those tears
They glisten so becomingly on my face
You take my wistfulness
You’re much too grounded now
I’ll take that bitter laugh
It’s much too sour, and you, far too sweet
You keep my hope
It brings out the light in the eyes, you know
I'll take the ice in your soul
You'll be so much warmer without it
and here
You keep my heart
It's been yours from the start

I’ll keep the memories
I’ll bear the burden of two
You keep the smiles
And the laughter, please do
While I drown
In the sorrowful longing for what has past
While I pine and whine and live in the last
Please smile, please do
Bear the burden of two

When you laugh, laugh deeply
And when you smile, smile wholly
As long as you’re warm
I’ll accept the cold
If you look ahead
I’ll keep the past
I'll remember
And you'll smile
Please do

an Ode to Eppie

I once had what I thought was a brilliant idea
My friends listened dutifully without the eye roll the less loyal would have thrown in
Before announcing that I am not allowed to name any children I end up having
So I sure as **** better find a husband with an idea of what a name is

I wanted a daughter named Epic
Because I couldn’t imagine a bigger adventure than parenting
And there was no way I was dealing with the torture of pregnancy
To produce a child that was anything less than epic
I wanted a daughter with the world laid out for her
There would be no painful heart wrenching breakups for her
No gangly awkward phase
She would be the physical representation of the bond her father and I shared
She would be love incarnated
And I can’t imagine anything more epic than that
I wanted a daughter named Epic
Nicknamed Eppie
Bambi told me that nickname was even worse than hers
And I named her after a cartoon deer with a dead mother
I guess they might have a point in this who name thing

I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Because if I am ever (crazy) lucky enough to bring a girl into this world
With my genes and the cruel ways of boys stacked against her
I will sure as hell had some major epiphany
If I am ever (stupid) blessed enough to have a daughter
I want every moment with her to be a grand realization of my life
This is who I am
This moment is what I was made for
Whether it’s picking her up after a scraped knee
Advising her that Alphie only hit her because he likes her
Or telling her that no, leggings are not pants
She would be the reason I went through all of this
The reason I got my heart broken by the world over and over again
So that it could complete me
I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Nicknamed Eppie
“Like an EpiPen?” Fluffy (Patrick before I went about nicknaming) questioned
“No, not like an Epinephrine auto injector at all.”
Maybe naming isn't my forte

I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Because a name is more than a word
A name is a decision
I would make it clear that she was loved
She would be the embodiment of every hope dream and wish I ever had
Just by breathing each day
I wanted my whole life to be leading up to the day I met her
If I was ever going to give a new life
She would be everything
The epitome of my entire life
I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Nicknamed Eppie
Laci (aka Frida) whose nickname could be interchangable with that of a stripper
Laughed
And decided that 'Emily' would be just fine for any daughter of mine

Today,
(as I held myself together
Tight, so that less of the wind would chill my bones,
Having a gaping hole in your chest can get quite chilly you know)
You smiled at me
(as we walked through the halls
So close together our hands nearly touching
Your warmth reaching out and embracing my right side)
And I smiled back
(as the tears threatened to spill over
As I tried not to fall apart then and there
Where everyone could see the shattered pieces of my heart
Spilt across the hallway)
But I guess it didn’t reach my eyes
(which kept their frown
And betrayed me as they stung with tears
Unable to see beauty in the world
When all my heart could feel was pain)
So you hugged me
(tight and close
Wrapping about me like the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookie from my childhood
Warm, deep, and wonderfully sweet)
I leaned into you
(as you held me together
Tight, so that none of the wind would chill my bones
And closed some of the gaping hole)
We stood there
(as the hallway traffic flowed about us
And I began to resurface, no longer quite gone
I floated somewhere between living and dead
With you tethering me there)
You spoke
(your voice not carrying far
Only just barely reaching my ears
But filling me with a breath of life)
Your words were so comforting
(I’m here for you A,
You’re not alone, don’t forget that
With the sweetest sincerity)
I listened
(feeling as though my entire life depended on it
And I grasped the words close
Burying them deep in my shattered heart
Before they could escape to be dashed upon the rocks of reality
Instead I kept them where maybe they had a chance to take root)
And I cried
(all the tears I had never let out
All the tears I had tried so hard to hide
From you, from him, from everyone
So that I could stay strong and whole)
You only held me tighter
(whispering ‘he doesn’t know what he’s lost
He never deserved me if he was only going to make me cry
And I clung to you with a drowning man’s strength
Hoping I wouldn’t drown in this sudden onslaught of tears
But knowing you would be there to save me)
You didn't walk away
(but stayed there
as I never thought anyone would
my rock against the brutal storm of reality
making sure I knew that I wasn't alone
that I was loved)
I smiled through the tears**
(thank you)

I don’t sleep anymore
Because sleeping means dreams
And I hate to dream anymore
Not because they twist into terrible nightmares
But because they glide into lovely fantasy
Back to when there was you and me
And with such lovely dreams
Where happiness still lives
It’s harder and harder to wake up
I don’t stay awake because I hate dreaming
but because I hate waking up

I’ve been working on being ok
Because I could love you
But not like this
Not in a broken way
That isn’t right
You deserve more
And so for you,
I’ve been working on being ok
I’ve been trying to be ok
Because you don’t need another mess on your life
For you I’m going to get it together
For you I’m going to fight the urge to run
Instead I’ll tread water and happily wait for you
To realize I’m finally ok

You sit beside me and I’m warm
I slide into your arms
Like coming home
Your smile can just light up my world

But we’re just friends
Please don’t push
Please don’t ask for more
Because, we’re just friends

You call me beautiful
And brush the hair from my eyes
Gentle with my porcelain heart
That warms to your touch

But we’re just friends
Please don’t push
Please don’t ask for more
Because, we’re just friends

Your eyes meet mine
In a sudden spark
Fireworks just from holding your hand
And I know if this keeps up
I’ll want more

But we’re just friends
Please don’t push
Please don’t ask for more
Because, we’re just friends

Your words escape
Like bubbles from your lips
Your perfect soft lips
How can such perfection say such hurtful words?
Love?
Please don’t make me cry
I need you here
In the real world
Where love can’t exist
I need you to help me brave the storm

But we’re just friends
Please don’t push
Please don’t ask for more
Because, we’re just friends

If you keep pounding away
I’ll shatter like glass
I know it’s not fair
And I want you too
But I’m broken enough already
Losing you might **** me

So, we’ll just be friends
Please don’t push
Please don’t ask for more
Because, we’re just friends

My gaze burns, you say
Flames spew from my eyes
To char your soul
Fire, you call me
Burning up your life
I’m ignited, you say
Flames licking up my legs
Cremating my heart
Ironic
How my presence makes your sweat
Yet you make me shiver
Ice, frosts over your eyes
Icicles hang from your arms
Frozen, deep down to your heart
Clouded snowflakes hang in your breath
As you breathe out your cold words
So fire melts ice
And I burn you up
As you freeze the life out of me
Still we can’t seem to give each other up
Mutual destruction assured
Still we press on
Heated words and cold silences
Like fire meeting ice
We were never meant to be
Yet, here we are

During the day
My mind is boxes
Each part locked away carefully
One box for sadness
Another for pain
But the happiness box up front
For everyone to see
Even when I’m only pretending
Every part of the day
Packed gently away
Every pain, every sorrow, every new wound
Tightly sealed off
Until later
In the quiet safe emptiness of my room
All of it is unpacked
Carefully unwrapped and reviewed
At night my mind comes undone
And the boxes disappear into the jumble of emotion
Slowing being ****** into the deep blackness
That lives in the farthest back box
In the deepest depth of my mind
Its own box, a bit too small to contain it
As it consumes everything around
Emptying the happiness box
******* the laughter container dry
Until morning breaks once more
And the boxes return to disguise the darkness
Shoving the hollow happiness box in the front
And hiding the bursting dark box in the back
The masks returns once more
And my mind is in boxes

I’ll love you as long as the sea is blue
I remember smiling and leaning into his arms
They anchored me to the world as we watched the waves crash on the shore
Ignoring the calls of the gulls and itch of the sand between my toes
I replied without thinking, just sure of the bond between us in a way
I’d never been sure of anything
Then I’ll love you as deep as the sea*
He smiled and hugged me a little tighter in reply
And I thought that I had found it
On the beach of my childhood, my true home
I started to believe in true love

The day we said good bye I drove to the beach
As my chest cracked itself open to pour out
Everything we had been
Into the storm of my tears and the wild wind that battered my car
When I got there the wind had whipped even the sand into a frothy fury
I found our place, by the little cove and fallen tree
It wasn't home without his arms around me

I watched the angry grey waves batter the sand
Overwhelmed by the complete expanse of churning water before me
The depths in the distance were nearly black and capped in lacy foam
As the brewing storm incited the sea
The ever deep stormy grey sea

I thought my heart broke then
but I couldn't be sure, it was with him
Instead, I drove home alone
Knowing only fools thought love could last

You paint your love
On my arms with tender
Hesitant fingers
And question
Beg for something more
With darkness of your eyes
Gently caress my heart
With bittersweet apologies
Promise that you wish
You’d never hurt me
I try so hard to stay
Away from your poison
But like always
You pull me into you
I’m fragile
Not like glass but like
A flower
Dying, petals falling off
Wilting
Your hands too harsh
To hold the dust I’ve become
But I never could resist you
So I break
And I’ll keep breaking for you
Heart shattered
Soul split
I’ll find peace in pieces

We haven't talked in weeks

Which doesn't mean we're broken up, because you have to be going out with somebody
Before they can break up with you, but I still have the taste of your lips on mine
So what does that mean?

3 weeks ago, when I began this hiatus incommunicado
I told myself I would talk to you again when it wouldn't be about making myself bleed
And I waited for my scars to fade enough to hold a ****** normal conversation

I’m still waiting

I once told you how bad I can make myself
How I can get trapped in that train of thought that leads to razors and scars
I was shaking because I was so far into it
Losing feeling, warmth, and control over my limbs far too rapidly
I always get cold when it hurts like this

I'm so cold I can see my breath on an 80 degree perfect day
But I refuse to find warmth in other people again

See I do this thing, and I know I do
Where I find somebody with such good inside them
Find somebody whose soul is somehow just so ******* beautiful
And then I destroy that

Don't believe me?

Look at each of my ex-boyfriends and my far-too-close friends
Observe that haunted look in their eyes
I've ruined them

You don't see it but you are so good
And I refuse to destroy that

I'm ****** up
There are days when each breath feels like a car crash
Which is ironic because the last time I was in a car crash
I couldn't really breathe for a week

I am crushed metal and crushed lungs
And you should know enough to run
So we haven't talked in weeks

Let’s hope it lasts

Running and Hiding
We spent the night in the darkened playground
The silent burial ground of our childhood recollections
Filled with happy ghosts of the past
We played hide and seek with our memories
As we ran from the ticking hour
Trying to escape time

We spent the night
All running from something
All hiding from our own demons
Trying so hard to disappear from the pain chasing us
We almost forget the others
Running just as fast beside us
From their own personal hell as well

Hiding our faces in the dizziness
Induced by the dreaded tire swing
And running headlong into challenges
Of balance and strength
Of anything less personal than the conversation
That follows, “hey, you ok?”
Just to forget for a bit

Then lying in the darkness and smiling
Laughing, talking about anything but the truth
Hoping maybe it won’t find us here
But time doesn’t stand still
And the sheltering blackness of the night
Shatters under the weight of the oppressive curfews

Into the car
Into the fear
Return to the place you hid from
Return from the running
And wait for dawn
So you can run again

When I was two and we ran out of hand soap in the bathroom
My sister poured in some water
And it was like magic
Suddenly there was more soap just like that
My mom got annoyed and replaced the watered down soap the next day
But I couldn’t understand why
My sister had just done something so wonderfully amazing
From something as mundane as water
She had brought forth twice the amount of soap

When I was seven that was my philosophy to a t
When we ran low on soap, I added more water and shook the bottle
Magic at my finger tips
I’m not seven anymore, but I kept that philosophy
Kept adding water to my soap
But I don’t have a mother to come replace all the watered down soap in my life anymore
And I just keep pouring in more water
It’s stopped working
I must have killed the magic somehow, because all I have left now
Is water

Its 2 am, I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe

I don’t want to remember the way you held me
After too long apart

I know that nothing is real anymore
It’s all just pretending
I’m pretending to be functional
And you’re pretending you won’t get tired of my unintentional games

This coffee is pretending it can wipe the sleep
from the back corners of my insomniac brain

In my mind’s eye I keep rereading your snapchat
You have yet to open my sarcastic reply
I have to be sarcastic in my replies to you

I’m afraid if I’m real
You will see how you can break me
Snap the last whole piece left in the cavern of my chest

I don’t want to be broken anymore

Its 2 am, I’m learning how to breathe through the pain
Of being alive when everything in me rebels against it

I’m learning how to live with the sound of my heart beat
In every moment, even though all I want is a bit of peace

Quiet, in the way I never want to be with you again

I try to write on the sky
so at least my words can be free
to fly
far far away
but they become trapped
between the birds and the trees
surrounded by feathers and green
so I try to write on the leaves
that blow so beautifully in the wind
but they are trapped again
caught amongst the branches
not even my words can escape
they too are trapped
so I write in the soil
grounded to earth
endlessly stuck

the words linger in the air
choking and thickening it
like heavy mist in the grass
cooling and coating everything
with glittering diamond droplets
like tears
that lay heavy in my eyes
and burn a path down my face

worry laden gaze
meets mine
hitting where it hurts
and stabbing straight through
leaving me to bleed out

say something
your desperation shows
but i can't breathe
can't get enough breath to force out even a syllable
air weighs heavy in my lungs
suffocating
and i ache to run
but my feet have turned to lead
too heavy to lift
anything
you beg

the words i want to say
have to say
need to say
stop, caught in my throat
it hurts to force them out
with a heavy tongue
past clenched teeth

no you don't
and walk away from the burden
knowing it's too heavy for me to ever lift
you don't
but i do,
love you, that is

I am heavy
No that’s not me saying I’m fat
We won’t dive into those issues just yet
I mean I am a burden
You will want to lift
For whatever stupid unknown reason
But don’t make the same mistake of all the others
That came before you
I am heavy will weigh you down
and down
and
down
Until you can’t even feel you anymore
I will bury you
I will break you
and I won’t even apologize
I’ll just look at you
With big accusing eyes when you drop me
How could you let me bruise like that?
Never mind your broken bones and crushed lungs
My gaze will level a undeserved rock of guilt at you, for not carrying me well
I will not feel a thing

I thought our love was like the stars
Eternal immutable shining
I thought we’d have forever
Instead of bursting into phoenix flames again
Reborn back into the awkward
Cold friendship, I’d so hated sharing
I thought we could be like the stars
Absolute resolute perfect
I should have known that burning with passion
Like we did
Only leads to collapse
Instead of firebright stars
I’m left with an ice cold black hole in my gut
That reminds me constantly, we are not the stars
We are haphazard short-lived fickle
We are over

I want to catch your eye
I want to light up the room
I want to be the one you glance at
whenever you can
I want to be the girl you walk down the halls with
even though your class is at the opposite end of the school
I want to be the one who drinks coffee with you
at 1 am
just because we can
I want to be the one you explain the basketball games to
I want to hold your hand
as we walk through the freezing cold night
or maybe run
because we’re late
always late
I want to study with you
even though neither of us needs to
but just because its an excuse to hang out
any excuse will do
I want so much from you
so much I can't even put into words
its all just colorful swirls of longing
But mostly,
I want to say hi
and get a hi back

I had a blue phase
But it wasn’t a sad phase
More of a ‘you’ phase
Because you are so blue
To your very core
But a happy overly friendly and helpful blue
With its sorrows hidden away in its rich depth
And purple undertones
After meeting you
And being with you
It’s impossible not to associate you with blue
Considering your slightly insane obsession with it
But it’s also funny
Since blue is the ocean, the river, the deep cool lake
Or the overly chlorinated public pool
And you can’t swim a stroke
Oh irony…
You are irony
The nice guy that wouldn’t ever hurt me
But who made me hurt myself the most
Trying to protect
The one I was already so close to
A relationship shouldn’t have been much of a stretch
But the one I ended up farthest from
The one who wrote melodies in scores
Just for me
But the reason I stopped playing
Music reminds me too much of you
You are music
The deep melodic kind that touches the soul
The way you touched my heart
Gently and sweet
So moving and tear jerking
In you sad purple undertones
You are rain
That slips through my fingertips
Leaving only the vague impression of ever being there at all
Only a slight bit of azure beneath my nails
But you are flames across my heart
Scarring deeper than you’ll ever know
Warmer than I’ve been in the longest time
You are the sun
Warming everything about you
And shedding bright light on all my flaws
You are wind
Whispering your way in through the cracks in my soul
But intangible as ever
Still you push through
Leaving blue in your wake
On my sunglasses
That block out the sun and your brilliance
Because it hurts so much when I’m so dull
My candles
That feed my pyromaniac addiction to flames
I’m just always addicted to that which can bring me pain
My clothes
The ones I bought just to please you
And to get your attention of course
Even my diary
Where all my laments over you reside
Blue
Like you
I had a blue phase
And I can’t seem to get rid of it