Sometimes
late at night,
I go into my bathroom
and I look in the mirror
and smile. Because it is
the one time I ever feel truly
beautiful. Just me with my messy
bun and smudged eyeliner. And I am
glorious. Just who I was meant to be.
I am beautiful.

The best ten seconds of my day are when I first wake up.
                                                                                              Bleary eyes and still going on the vapors of my dream.
Because I wake,
                            with the complete expectation,
                                                                                  that you will be there.
Right beside me,
                              ready to greet me with a kiss,
                                                                                  and a smile.
Those ten seconds, when I think you're next to me in bed get me through,  
                                                                                                                                  the hundreds of other seconds,
That assure me,
                            you are not.
                                                 My first ten seconds are my best.

It feels the worst when he leaves.
He runs when he's scared. That much, I have come to realize.
And my heart breaks a little more every time he does.
But I can't ask any more from him. It simply wouldn't be fair.
He deserves so much better than me. He says he's the one who's unworthy of me, but it's not the truth.
He is a wonderful man. He has such a beautiful soul.
He deserves a woman who can fill him up.
Not pull him down like I have.
I had love. In it's
purest,
truest,
fashion.
And I gave it up.
I had a letter.
A ring.
A promise.
A life waiting for me.
And I gave it up for a thin piece of metal,
and a few drops of blood.
And I hate myself for it.
And if I lose him for good over this, I will never forgive myself for it.