It started rising up in me like a hot air balloon.
The anguish started stirring my stomach around,
As I began to cease my thoughts,
all the guilt in me rose to the surface,
And all the pain I had caused could never be taken back.

At first I was just running,
and no one could keep up.
It was thrilling.
I felt so powerful,
like no one could stop me or control me.
But in reality I couldn't control myself.

All I wanted was those nights of running,
those nights of disappearing into the darkness.

It felt like a dream that I’d been needing,
a dream that would help me figure out all the confusion in my life,
and that would change him,
change how he felt.
and I wanted more than anything to be inlove again.

I hoped that those nights would make us closer.
But I know now that I can’t change him.
But in reality this dream or longing was just a nightmare.

But nothing went as planned,
it never does.
Then I started craving those runs even more.
Like that was the only thing that let me breath
and let me have a tiny bit of satisfaction or happiness.

Once i new I could get away with this,
once I new I could control everyone around me,
and I could do anything I want,
I stopped caring about everything.
because nothing else mattered.
but those runs.

I began to forget about what life really meant to me,
and what really mattered.
I was to busy controlling everyone else,
that I didn't know how to control myself
and how to understand and dominate my feelings.
I was thriving for attention, for love, for help.
But i began to grow weak each day,
because at that point nothing was ever enough.

I then understood that I couldn't let one person change me into the person i swore I would never become,
I couldn't let someone crash the mountain that I’d been creating over years.

So I broke it,
I broke the bound we never had,
the bound I was thriving for, but could never quite find.
But even then I wanted to reappear in his life,
to stay,
because I didn't know how to live without his non-existent being.
Even though I new being with him would ruin me.
That’s the only thing I wanted.

But then my answer that I couldn't quite think of appeared,
like out of thin air,
and it was a miracle because my feelings were like water drowning me. It was like there was a cloud pouring above my head and then It astonishingly disappeared,
then there was my answer,
right above me,
floating and all I needed to do was reach for it.

You are overflowing with emotion, it comes out of every part of you, you wear it like a coat. I hold my emotion in the center of my heart for no one to see, it is a dim candle that keeps burning but slowly gets brighter. Yours is loud and mine is quiet. You are a river and I am a puddle.

My vision was blurred by darkness when I stepped foot into the apartment.
As my eyes adjusted,
I felt out of place knowing all the memory's that held the walls up,
were what tore his down.

As wonder filled my mind of the lifeless being,
who once wandered these halls was like,
the thought dropped from my consciousness
as I became aware of the soft body pulling me closer.
His warm fragile eyes held my gaze.

As he moved towards me,
his lips pressed against mine,
as I felt the soft warmth on me,
some type of switch turned on in both of us.
The moment flew out the door, when the storm flew the door open.

I am good, I am wise, I am bright, I am kind, I am empathetic, I am funny
If I am not kind or empathetic once,
that doesn’t exterminate how kind and empathetic I am.
Doing something that isn’t right for myself hurts my soul but it doesn’t make me a bad person.
I am allowed to make mistakes.
I am a good.

I woke up slowly, taking my time and preparing myself for my endless journey back into civilization. I felt uneasy knowing I was going to be hit by reality. 

As soon as I knew it I was on the train car on my way back. I watched out the window to see something that would give me the answers i had been looking for while i was gone. But all I saw were the colors flashing by me.

But there was something different about today. I knew something would happen on this very day for curtain. It was in the air all around me, it screaming that everything was off balance. It was all sending me a sign that on this day I would see you.

It was right, I saw you.

I allowed myself to open up my walls.
You put your arm out to help me through.
I felt myself filling up with happiness,
Allowing it to wash the pain away.
When the safety and security of your skin
started melting into mine.
I could see you drifting away from me.

My heart beats because you brought me into this world.
You taught me how to walk, how to talk, how to love, how to treat people, how to be patient.
Everything I know, all the guidance I have was handed to me by you.
You have given me many things but nothing compares to the gift of having you as my mom.
I love you

Why don't people understand that there's so much pain in my heart,
I'm absorbed of pain and it hurts.
It hurts so bad,
I don't know how to get the pain out so I cause pain to others.