It was cigarettes
And ****** up nights
You know you should regret.

It hurts.
It hurts so ******* much.
It feels like ice in my veins and splinters in my throat, and nails, and heart-
and I’m done with it.
You were supposed to love me.
I* was supposed to love me.
I want to peel the light from my skin and sit there, raw,
so you could finally see just what it feels like.
I’d be a sore on your eyes like you we’re upon my back, and heart, and mind.
And maybe,
just maybe-
despite the pain from my body
I would feel okay
within my head.

In case you didn't know-
I can be so ******* beautiful.

My meds make
Everything more crisp
While I stumble
And the room spins

I'm a box beneath your bed
Of letters, left unsent
Unsaid words of lost apologies
And misguided misogyny

Midnight spends
Only seconds in my head
So doped from meds
I pass up life
And dream instead

I knew a young boy
Who cut his own throat.
*******, was he beautiful.

When I was small
I was afraid that a monster
Would cut me up
Eat me alive
Or hold me captive.
As I got older,
I grew into that foreign being
Cutting,
Eaten away by bred in thoughts,
Holding myself captive in
A tortured mind.
It makes me sick
When people say
Monsters don't exist.

I dont like it when people
Don't walk with a sense of emergency
When my mind keeps running.

I caught myself
Curled up
And yearning for home.
I almost laughed-
But dropped gentle tears instead.
I haven't had home in years-
If ever.

You're the newest
Penny
In my couch.
Forgotten, and
Next to worthless.

you have small hands.*
I looked at them,
How they shook
Always.
I suppose.
I placed them on my elbows,
Freezing.
Nervous.
Its okay- mine are smaller.
I looked at this girl,
Like I'd never seen a person
Before her
And placed my hand against hers,
both small, with graceful fingers
Finally grasping the concept
Of not always being alone.

Everyone says they burn
Like something mystic.
Indecisive in colour
Like I am with everything,
Always wide,
Searching,
Fixating on anomalies
In the air.
They're gypsy eyes
And my grandfather saw the future through them
In the way I see the past.

His lips tasted
Like mint and blood
fitting perfectly with mine.

Let me sing to you about
The Boy Who Could Fly
So you could use it to connect
the dots of my life.

You used to call me,
******* wasted
So I could sing you to sleep.
You liked
The rough satin of my voice,
That hinted at
Sorrow
And ***.

Let's dance to oldies
*******
and stumbling
At five in the morning.

Little loveless Juliet
She sits and burns another cigarette
While thinking of new ways
To push feelings far away.

I am a poltergeist,
Whirling madly
Through sweet emotions.
Throwing plates
At the frivolous kitchen floor
Until I fall against it,
Us both laughing till I fade.

Don't forget
How I sit quietly
With burning eyes
Coaxing
People into my will-
Charming as all hell
Until I burn everything
With grace
Leading sheep
In stead of me
To my fate.

There's something so soothing
About the tick of my pocket watch.
It reminds me of my grandfather
rotting in his grave
And the difference between
Feelings in the air.

Why do you sleep all day and stay up all night?!*
I studied her concerned face,
Measuring,
Chewing thoughts.
My demons can't get me if im awake.*
No.
I can't stand the sun anymore.
No.
I'm just so afraid.
Still not something to tell her.
**Fine. I'll go to ******* bed.

I hit Sorrow
And took a couple extra pills
Hopefully tonight
I can finally sleep.

My mouth tastes of res and
Yesterdays alcohol.
Sour.
*Depression
Is a
******* ****.

I like voices
That sound like the darkened colour
Of honey and just
A bit of sand.

I'd be gay,
Too
If i had to take
(pictures of)
your ****.

It's three in the morning
Again.
I'm awake still.
Weary
And so ******* tired.
But things are the same as they've always been.

I tried on clothes today
And cried.
Because I'm ******* disgusting
And I don't deserve anything.
No colour,
No light..
******* nothing,
Like me.

Be careful, my joints ache.**
At your age?
He laughs
I look down
And fiddle with the edge of my skirt.
Yeah, my sister says I was born forty.
I smile to myself
As he shakes his head,
Always unsure on how to handle
My explanations.

Life looks so much different
On the wall
Than in a picture

I really
Don't care about
Your questions anymore.
Someone just tell me their dream.

He pictures me in a baby blue dress
(Not wrinkled)
Without my flannel
And the pocket that holds
Half smoked cigarettes

Someone spin words with me
At three in the morning,
Lace them up in a promise of delicious sickness
Tying up my my mind
So just for tonight
I don't taste of demons and dead trees.

I miss *****
And when I was a little whirlwind
With fire in my throat and on the trail
Of happiness.

Time is like snow
Dusting my aching, old bones
You're hardly eighteen!
*I know.

I want to slide steel back
Into your broken smile
So you remember just how cold
It feels when even dreams are mild

I showed up
Already drunk.

I just want to hug you
One last ******* time,
And tell you it's okay not to want me anymore,
Because I know who I am.

I carved you away
with a bitterless taste
No ache in my heart
No laying awake
I'm ******* great.

I wish your lips gave cancer
Instead of what you took from me,
I'll admit, I was your *****-
But at least I'm not your current cheat.

Oh, have the past few months surprised me
You disappeared-
All the way to Germany.
When you reappeared
You were that Train song
back in the atmosphere, drops of jupiter in your hair
That took my breath away.