Entire weeks spent
In passion,
-not love,
But
*****,
Fevered
Passion
And then, I fell apart.
You lost me
In my grief and anger.
You said you cared 'a lot'
I told you to **** yourself.
Then nothing.
You moved on to the real thing
I moved states.

I used to play make-believe
And whirl around your house
doing dishes,
Cleaning up our bottles,
Scrubbing floors.
When I was done
I'd smile big
And tell you
How much I couldn't stand you
Unless our clothes were off.

There's an option to get there
On nearly every website.
Represented by pixels and a bit of colour
Completely unsubstantial.
But for me, it's not so generic.
Not made so just because of definition.

I did something unforgivable.
I am wretched
Selfish
Stupid
Who am I to get better
When my heart is decaying
Because I keep letting
You down.

Four missed calls
From a number unknown.
More anxiety.
Who would need to speak
At this hour?
I won't call back,
Because it could be a ghost
And they could trap me with their voice.

I killed another person
Through my disgusting charm
I promised you forever,
Then we never spoke again.

The birds outside
Screech ”gris gris, gris gris”
And I think it's a great suggestion.
I wouldn't mind an amulet
To protect or give me luck.
Even if it didn't work,
Something to hold would be enough.

There is a Tempest in my head,
The boy who knew my blood.
Probably insane.
But he knew me, nonetheless.
We spoke of ghosts and comforts of hurt
All night until you slept.
Your irish tone sank deep
And resonated within my bones.

I wish I wouldn't wake
In the smallest hours of morning
With a headache
And hushed voices
Coaxing me to open my weary eyes.
I know what I'll  awake to-
The Dark Thing so near my bed,
Beckoning across layers
For an untimely death.

People like you
always run out of time
For people like me.
I'm wretched,
I'm sick.
I'm never good enough for
Anything good.

”Just come home.”
Tears over a hospital phone
”I'll get sober, we'll get better together”
The year after that:
Polish. They're yelling about who owns me.
”Jest moj dziewczynka!”
spit flying, he grabs me by my hair
I'm bleeding,
He wreaks of pills.
*And now,
Family absolved
We're separated again by miles and states
Of wellness and
Addiction.
And for once, I'm okay.

I am burdened
By things that want to claim me.
I brought them over
Through blind stupidity.

I held your hand
With caution,
I thought you took mine by mistake.

I think you're funny
In ways only madness knows.
Your ego is a fizzy childs drink,
With all of its frivolity.

I write souls into being,
Painted sloppily
On secret paper
To silence the noise in my mind.

Short hair,
Framing a face in greasy locks
Colourless eyes,
That are drenched in more shades than I've ever seen
I make no effort as of late to appear invested.
Clothes hang off of a sunken frame,
That once seemed appealing
I guess I'm a bit delapitated.

It slid a finger down my neck
Growled
Walked through a book case.
I gave them it
On accident.

She wrote me poetry, that girl with sweet-ice eyes.
We'd trade them at the end of every day
In the hospital.
I promised to be an antidote
As long as she could prevent me
From seeping into her veins.
But we all are weak,
And I spread through her with surprising toxicity.
She only saw my sickness-
But I had already created a new one
In her.

Things haunt me
That I have not a right to feel.
******* is the anthrax
To my limited mind.
It knocks on my doors,
Peels back my eyelids.
Scratches ****** paths
Through brick walls of my conscience.
It is the appeal of sugar, to the child
Sick with diabetes.
It is forbidden fruit
That I have not the heart to taste.

I always smelled of lavender and smoke.
It used to linger on your sheets,
Driving you mad.
"I need you"
Id laugh and oblige,
Until the winter ended and
You didn't want my ice.
I bet I still haunt you in the spring,
When the air is sudenly rich with lavender and smoke.

I cut my hair.
I was sick of myself,
Burning in my own flesh.
I only left the back long.
For rough nights with *****,
Tequila,
Beer,
And him.
I cut my wrists.
Still sick of myself.
Still burning.
But this time,
I left him nothing,
But rough nights with beer,
Tequila,
And bar *****.

My head aches,
My hands and legs shake,
Caffeine drenched just to feel awake.

**”-...Anna? Did you take your meds?”

babe, just get me bottle.**
She's driving,
He's kissing his pipe.
she pleads,
And my body aches.

God, you're like crack.
He ran his hands down my body.
His eyes and body burned.
Just hurry up, my buzz is dying.

Can I see them?**
I sighed, and rolled up my sleeves.
I was puzzled by the boy
and offended.
He ran his fingers across my soul.

Didn't it hurt?
I couldn't tell if he was concerned with the look of the steel in my face
Or the silver of my arms.
Either way, I gave the same answer.
I laughed
and blinked once
No, you did.

How he'll never cut again
And how the light somehow seeks people out.
Makes them stronger.
Tastes not of alcohol,
Or sweat drenched nights
”this is ****.”
I turned off my laptop
And smoked another bowl in the dark.

little pills to balance mood and hospital stays
days and nights melt, seeing only shades of grey
microbursts of blackout pain
ideas of nine bullets in an alleyway
I bite the blame with a razor blade
and think in metaphors and bright red stains
sat and stared at glass from broken frames
spat blood, turned, and walked away.

go home.
silence
Go. *******. Home.*
Fire licks its way into my aching bones-
bones that feel years before my time
and feet below the floor.
the door slams. I am in a stupor. A truck pulls out
Ice splinters in my veins-
begs my body- pleads-
no more centuries to endure.*
Blistering skin screams,
cracks,
bleeds.
and now, crawling on the kitchen floor,
gasping through shrunken lungs.
Laughing,
Freezing,
Drenched.

I became fire
Licking at canvas- deep and blue.
Clutching tin with sharp edges
And biting at a ball in my lip.

I rip the stitches from my ribs
Like a sign of the unclean
and tie the threads behind the ears
of all the people I have seen
your voice still sounds like frost
that coats my faded jeans  
and footsteps spit out fire
while we sizzle and we sting.

It hurts.
It hurts so ******* much.
It feels like ice in my veins and splinters in my throat, and nails, and heart-
and I’m done with it.
You were supposed to love me.
I* was supposed to love me.
I want to peel the light from my skin and sit there, raw,
so you could finally see just what it feels like.
I’d be a sore on your eyes like you we’re upon my back, and heart, and mind.
And maybe,
just maybe-
despite the pain from my body
I would feel okay
within my head.

I fell apart so fluidly, I'm always breaking down
I built this place for both of us, but I only see the ground
Tell me what it's like, when you think you've lost all hope
While your eyes still burn like fire and I'm choking on this smoke
I believed in everything you knew you couldn't do,
I believe you lied to me,
and you believe it, too.

These dreams could make the corpses bleed I keep beneath my bed,
and these stitches couldn't really be 'till I had them in my head
You used to call me in the hospital and laugh with me,
and cry.
Now you're handing me a knife and offering a ride.

Dude, I ******* made you-
You hated who you were.
Thank me with a severed spine,
And wishes on a star.
Empty hands, I used to hold
But you've taken them too far.
Everything I had in me;
it's everything you are.

The walls will whisper everything,
like sinister and scarcity
and hanging by a string-
Or a rope from the ceiling.

You always slip away,
like dirt within a drain,
Like a knot above the doorway,
like the hurt before the pain,
You resign yourself to irony, resign yourself to rest
Like knives beneath my pillowcase,
*Like daggers in my head.

I'd give anything to be the blade between her teeth,
to be the irony that inspires her unease
As she drifts unwillingly
and tastes of salt and sea- foam dreams,
Stars fall upon our cheeks,
While she speaks in tongues like winds from east
and I sit quietly
sipping on every note that she can sing.

Love is something else today, not Disney with their lies.
I learned the hardest way that love can mean demise.
Love is not enough today, despite the times we tried
Tried and true, our triggers do- they start to dry our eyes.
"Empty clips for broken hearts"- they should put that on a sign
I could make a million dollars but I can't leave this heart behind
Like shattered glass, I'm deadly, but just half of what could be
Like shattered hearts we always hang the pieces in the trees
Like necks in nooses, willingly, this love could set you free.
We beat the **** out of each other because the best love costs a fee.

Can't **** it all away, but I could love you in a dream.
Right before I walked away I could watch you as you bleed.
I could hold your hand like gold, as you're slowly turning blue,
I can hear my name between your lips-
I can hold a shovel, too.

She spits her words like bullet shells
And stores them in a locket
She's like a prisoner of war,
Keeping shrapnel in her pockets
She ****** it up again,
her finger tips are ******
Can't hold her piece of iron still,
can't stop her mind from running
Shadows hide a silhouette,
but can't hide her ******* face
She used to dream in colour,
but now she just lies awake.