Secret trading: one for one,
Starts off simple ends up with someone,
Confessing something so deep you wonder if it should have remained hidden;
knowing if you continue this game,  it cannot be undone.
Behind the safety of your screen, you wonder if you’ll still be accepted,
Toying with the keys on that board, your fingertips already sweating.
You could potentially ***** this up, but never knowing is surely a slow torture,
At least if you get it out now, you’ll never again have to wonder.
So you type the message in…and you stare at it for a couple of minutes,
Your finger hovers over that deadly option…the one that can potentially change everything.
You close your eyes and do it anyway, and brace yourself for the worse,
The seconds that pass feels like a lifetime, your heart feels like it is going to burst.
Until you hear a little sound, a tiny message awaits,
You open it with bated breath, hoping that it’ll say…
Anything from reciprocated feelings, or understanding and empathy
A message saying ‘you’re not alone’ anything you wanted it to be.

Secret trading: one for one,
Starts off simple, can end up with someone;
Grateful  for the positive experience and a feeling of relief,
Or an awkward silence with both parties wishing, that what happened could be undone.

Two years and counting,
I know it’ll never be the same,
I can’t bring myself to answer your calls, far less for saying your name.

The incident remains unresolved,
In a little box buried somewhere in the abyss of my mind
Like some sort of twisted memory, one that I have resolved to hide.

The thing is, I was never angry at you,
Never cursed you to the depths of your personal hell,
Never so disgusted at the words you spat at me,
I shall cast no blame for me retreating into my shell.

Because it still hurts when I think about it,
When I think about how you thought I didn't care,
When you accused me of not loving you,
When you blamed me for not being there.

And it ***** how it felt like I was forbidden to laugh,
To smile during one of the most exciting times in my life,
Did you know I pushed everything aside for you?
Just to walk with you during your time of strife?

It breaks my heart to know it wasn't enough,
A pain I may actually take to my grave,
My failure to help you may never leave me
And for that I may never be the same.

I still feel guilty, for actions unbeknownst to me.
But I had bitten off more than I can chew,
Couldn't you see, even in my silence?
I was always there, and I would make sacrifices for you?

And I can’t seem to get any reassurance,
From others who tell me that you are wrong
I just keep thinking that I failed you,
Yes, even after so long.

My fault was probably letting you become overly dependent,
And like a fool I was unable to see:
Taking on your battles with such fervor and determination
Exposed my greatest vulnerability.

So I’m here with a festering wound
While you seem to be doing alright,
But believe me when I say, I’m truly happy that you’re doing okay
I’m glad that you've found the light.

Though you apologized on numerous occasions,
So eager to make us right.
I can’t go back there,
I can’t give you back this knife.

Because right now, though I’m happy,
I’ll always be a little sad,
I’ll always worry if I’m making the same mistake,
And second-guessing myself is driving me mad.

You make me want to try a little bit harder,
But give everything up at the same time.
It’s like I can’t find my bearings anymore,
Too long have I imprisoned myself for this supposed crime.

So you see, in the end
My silence was never about you.
It was an attempt to fix myself,
It was an attempt to figure out what I must do.

To find some way to release this guilt,
Just as I have released you,
For both our benefits, to find some way to forgive myself,
Just as I have forgiven you.

I can’t go back to being ‘normal’
Because this is something I’m unlikely to ever forget.
But don’t feel like my actions are writhed in anger
Don’t feel like every memory is tainted with regret.

We can’t meet now, perhaps sometime in the future we will,
But I feel this is for the best,
I have to learn from this experience, I have to move on
And accept the fact that I've put this relationship to rest.

I pray for your continued contentment,
And always the best of health.
But now it’s time I take care of me,
And hope that I can somehow restore my strength.

For all the good times gone before and all the lessons learnt,
I thank you with all my heart, but now I’m ready to go.
I know I’ll find freedom, however long it takes,
Somewhere along this road.

Until then,
Sincerely,
*Me.

Such a beauty, I want to let you in
I want to taste your breath; I want to touch your skin
I want to jump off that ledge and take a risk with you
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know that I want you.

Poison passes my lips and I’m simply intoxicated,
I see the world through your eyes.
Letting my guard down, releasing those inhibitions
I’m ready now; I know it’ll be worthwhile.

And you show me things I've never seen before,
You expose me to a world that was once previously ignored.
You show me a new perspective; how the lines and boundaries are blurred
Everything is relative, there is no absolute…there is no right or wrong.

So innocence meets the danger & logic is replaced by his convincing evidence
What is forbidden is attainable, what was forbidden awakens the senses.
I’m too far gone to muster any sort of control, too far gone lost in this ecstasy.
I don’t want to wake up; I never want to leave this fantasy.

Every touch lingers on my skin; every kiss erases the path I've left behind,
Everything you whisper is reassuring, and somehow I know that I have made up my mind.
Though I’m dancing among shadows, I’m not confused about what I must do.
Simply enjoying myself being lost here…I'm enjoying myself being lost in you.

There was always a beauty in letting go.
Even when you don't know which path to choose,
Being lost is nothing to be afraid of,
When you've got nothing left to loose.

The scenarios that play out in my mind are enough to send someone crazy
Not because they are so far-fetched, but because they are drenched in reality.
I see the negative possibilities and I wonder if I ought to hide,
You may never know all the fears that lurk behind my smile.

As I step into uncharted territory, behind the walls that I've built before,
They no longer serve their purpose; they cannot keep you out anymore.
Defenses lose their strength as you lose yourself in me,
This has become your home...I have given you the key.

And everything they said to fear...cold hearts made me believe,
"Everyone wants something...people enjoy others' misery.
They'll come and observe, and take everything you have,
Then leave you broken and lonely...just a shell of a man."

Wary now...for letting you in...but too afraid to let you go,
Your companionship means so much to me; it's all I've ever known.
So long to build, so long to trust...so long to get us here,
Could all be lost and damaged with a single thought or fear.

Of old experiences long gone and well intended advice,
The darkness that plagues my mind...the smoke that threatens to distort your light.
I'm at their mercy, though I'm trying desperately to shut that door,
because I can't take it any longer; *I can't stand this feeling anymore.

Stupid things we do…when it comes to matters of the heart,
We feel so invincible, until our illusion falls apart,
And all you’re left with is the deafening silence and memories in the dark.
Hope is already miles away…already gone too far.

You never expected it to be perfect…you just thought that he’d be there,
Not always to fight your demons, but to hold you in his arms; to let you know he cares.
But the calls remain unanswered…and a month turns into a year…
Yet you sit by waiting patiently; you rather denounce your fears.

You wouldn't tell a soul…the experiences through which you've been,
You wouldn't ask for help although your walls are caving in.
You dry your tears, fake a smile and hide the pain within,
Although things are broken, you've made a promise; you will not commit the sin.

You become a shell of yourself…and you lay there wasting away
Deluding yourself with the ******, that there will come a day,
When he finds himself, and realizes the error in his ways,
Surely he’ll come back…surely he’ll promise to stay.

Eventually, reality sets in, and you’re begging to be free,
But the lies are too intricately woven, too deep to let you leave.
All you ever had with him and all you thought you’d be,
Was never there to begin with, but so in love you were to actually see…

Through the facade, through the lies and the fake imagery,
All the things you've done for him contributes to your misery.
Every kiss and caress now a distant memory…
The truth still cast in shadows like an unsolved mystery.

Stupid things we do…when it comes to matters of the heart,
We feel so invincible, until our illusion falls apart,
And all you’re left with is the deafening silence and memories in the dark.
Hope is already miles away… it has already gone too far.

And all I can think about is how close I've gotten to you
never thought it'd happen...I never thought you'd choose
me, to open your heart to...to share your dreams and desires,
explain your fears to me...let me quell those raging fires.

Sweet words, you surround me with your love and gratitude.
And I'm simply intoxicated because I never thought I'd be,
the one to listen, the one who can brighten your day.
The one who'd clear up any misunderstandings,
the one who'll promise to stay.

Trusting was never my strength, but I'm ready to give in to you.
Getting this close was a risk, but given any other option I'll still choose,
You. The chance to share my heart...bare my soul and mind
allow myself to relish in a relationship I never thought I'd find.

And I long for the moment I can say without any evasions,
just how much you mean to me...
That everything we are, far surpasses everything I've ever imagined.
That opening up to someone is far greater than I ever thought it'd be.


Becoming closer...
I've finally found my release.