My head is so very, very, wrong
Thought you loved me but that's very,very wrong
I can't write poems it's very, very wrong
Can't think of anyone other than you
wrong
Can't look at anyones eyes because they don't look like yours
wrong
Can't sleep at night
wrong
I can't dream unless you're in it
I can't think unless you're in it
I can't even breathe, it's
wrong
wrong
wrong
I'm wrong because I'm not right for you
and that is so very, very
wrong

We were both sick in a way,
Me wanting you,
You wanting me,
We were torturing each other and we loved it.
That's sick.
The way you controlled my head,
The way I played with your heart.
The little lion and the lamb.
If you ask me they were both equally in the wrong.
Oh, the sick Lion,
Oh, the sick Lamb.
Which one was I?
Or does it matter?

She stares,
Looking at nothing,
Perhaps thinking, Perhaps not.
Her eyes are glossy,
Her nails are red,
She smiles a smile only meant for hell to see.
Match Made In Hell,
That is what they said,
How could this angel, also be the devil? I asked.
They smiled because they knew,
I ignored because I did not.
But here I am,
Awestruck by this beautiful devil,
Who smiles at nothing.

Let’s say for a few years of your life, you chewed a pack of gum a day.  and this gum wasn’t a gum that got old, you never wanted a new flavor.  And this gum made you really, really, extremely happy.  Let’s say you were going through hell but this gum brought you back from it.  So then you wake up one day, and you can’t chew this gum anymore.  And you're given no reason as why so you're just walking around confused and uncomfortable because you're not chewing any gum.  And the thing is: you see gum everyday.  You just can’t have it.  And when something becomes a habit, you tend to think about it all the time when said habit is not being preformed.  And over time you learn that you can’t chew gum but you still don’t know why and you still think about it all the time.  Then half a dozen months have passed and you find yourself back in a good place but you still can’t get that juicy, flavorful, everlasting gum out of your head.   So you try to ignore the urge but it is always there, pulling at your brain, that you need this gum, that this gum makes you happy.  But you still can’t chew this gum, that isn't even an option.  Then its a year, and although you may not want to chew this gum anymore you still constantly think about it, because your body is so used to it, your body is not ready to give up the hope that someday you will chew that gum again.  Then one day, you get the chance to chew it.  It is sitting right in front of you, ready to be chewed.  And you bolt.  You bolt because that beautiful little brain of yours is trying to protect you.  Because yes, you can taste that gum again.  But there will come a day, soon or far, that said gum is taken away.  And you can’t be put through that again.  This is the best way i can describe my crave for you but my unwillingness to fulfill it.

Do you ever have a feeling,
you can't put your finger on what it is.
It's deep in your stomach,
And strong in your throat.
It makes your head hurt,
And your hands shake.

It's grief.
"But who died?"
They ask innocently.
Who died?
I laugh.
Who didn't?

That little girl with blonde hair,
Kicking a ball around the field,
Eating only chicken nuggets,
Ravolli on a good day.
That girl who took a pledge,
To dare to never drink or do drugs.
The girl who loved and hugged.
The animals she cared about,
The people.
She is the dead one.

And nobody even knew.

So here we are,
After a whole year- here we are.
And i want to make these words as beautiful as possible,
But i don't think i have the time.

You said to me,
"How do you know? You've never been to hell."
and i laughed
it was so funny,
maybe it was the drugs,
or the drinks,
but sober or not i still laugh.
Because i have, in fact, been to hell.
The one you put me in when you left.

One person can have more of an effect on you than one thousand,
My mom walked in with the house up in smoke,
I got everything taken but i am not sad,
Do you wish to know why i am not sad?
You

After one whole year nothing was different.
You're hair,
Wish you asked me if i liked,
Of course i do.

I am  exhausted,
After not sleeping for three days,
After not eating for two,
Hit after hit after hit,
Shot after shot after shot,
I cannot lay in my bed,
I can't lie in my bed because you were the last one in it.
I can't disrupt the beauty in that.

It was the first get-together
After you were dead.
I sat there in my long skirt
with my tennis shoes
And wondered about you.

I stared outside,
the smoke from the fire made it seem like it was hot outside,
It's November 27th
It looked hot outside.

Were you in the trees,
Or the grass,
Were you the heat,
Were you just ash?

Could you read my mind?
Are you fine?
Is God real,
Is heaven divine?

Or is hell hot,
And the Devil cold.
Does he like being called Lucifer?
You'd think I'd know.

Smoking kills,
We blew you're ashes away.

Do you ever wake up,
With your lungs bruised?
Because you couldn't breathe-
I can't ******* breathe.
You're not next to me,
You're not there,
And it's like my chest just recognized this.
They start hyperventalating
One collapses.
But if you were next to me,
I'd give you the rest of it-
My air.
This isn't love this is torture
But as of now- there is no difference

I take a hit,
Maybe two,
I pass the blunt,
Off to you.

You hide it from mom,
Dad doesn't care,
Your sister's a snitch,
You hold drugs dear.

All is good,
All is clear,
My head is fine,
I'm good to drive.

You only smile,
You sometimes cry,
Because you were laughing,
This was a guy.

I am not sad,
I am not mad,
I actually get really, very glad.

"Drugs are bad"
"You'll **** yourself"
It's been four years,
This is my help.

You tell the truth,
You make new friends,
You hit a ****,
You make amends.

I pass out,
It's morning now,
I get my keys,
And i walk out.

I get in my car,
Heater on,
To drive home,
Let's play pretend.

I didn't drink,
I do not smoke,
Just woke up early,
And i missed home.

High is great,
High has no fear,
High is the best,
You should get up here.

Go to bed,
Wash your hair,
Don't pull down your underwear

Read some books,
Give nice looks,
Please oh please do not smoke kush

Play a sport,
Get a job,
Don't let boys meet your mum

Get good grades,
Always straight A's,
Don't let them take you away

Go to church,
the Burning Bush,
Don't give your soul away

Don't smoke crack,
Keep your life in tact,
It'll **** me anyway

Do homework,
Take Ty on a walk,
I already get home after twelve

Pay these bills,
Fight these wars,
It'll soon be over anyway

Here's a knife,
Here's the world,
did you grow up good, girl?

I'm not disregarding the idea of authority,
but when your mom stays out later than you do,
comes home throwing up,
laying in bed with her next new boyfriend,
every night,
you find it a little pathetic to hear someone tell you to clean your room.

The way I see it,
Nobody knows what love is,
Except me.
The way I see it,
Love has blue-Green eyes,
Love is silent and powerful
Love smokes outside my window tempting me,
Love walks through the snow
And the rain
And the heat
And love can't stay mad at you.
The way I see it,
Is not how it is
I see a tunnel with you in the end;
Jumping in the pool,
Carrying me on your back,
Holding my waist,
Pulling me close,
Kissing my lips.
This is all good, but this is not love.
The way I see it,
Love is angry,
Love is not fair,
Love hits you,
Love wraps it's hands around your throat,
Love makes your brain ache and your heart pound,
It makes the butterflies turn into rapid moths.
Nobody has been in love,
Except me.
Becayse I was the only one who looked back into those deep Blue-Green eyes and kissed your lips with your hands around my throat.

I wrote a whole poem
About dancing with the devil
But it did not take
I didn't want it to
I don't want anyone to have this violent pleasure

lets go around and tell what we are thankful for
"family"
"friends"
"my home"
"opportunities"
"this country"
i am thankful for the starving kids digging through trashcans while we make a turkey that nobody eats,
i am thankful for the freezing cold that people have to live in while my parents make me wear a coat for the few moments I'm outside,
i am thankful for this world where we have the opportunity to go to college but if you don't go you will end up like the freezing hungry people gathering around a light pole right now,
i am thankful for this food that makes me hate myself,
i am thankful for these people who ask me why i am not like my sister or my brother,
i am thankful for these ignorant people that make me so much more smart.
Thank you, family.  Don't forget to throw all the leftovers in the trash.

my mom dragged me to church one morning after you had left
i knew something was wrong when i didn't burst into flames in the parking lot
i sat there listening to sinners preach
i sat there watching murders cry,
while the sinners patted their ****** backs
acting surprised when their hands were covered in red,
like they didn't know what they were getting themselves into
and my mom scolded me when i rolled my eyes,
at the people who raised their hands to the celling
i just thought it was funny,
that's all,
i just thought they knew
that nobody is going to save you

i find myself wondering to your grave
and i think to myself how 16 year olds shouldn't be dead
i sit there and wait for you to meet me even though you are already there
and i take a swig of *****
and that doesn't help
so i smoke four bowls of marijuana
and that doesn't help
so i get in my car with an empty bottle and half a gram
and i find myself going 100 in a 55
and i press down harder as if the ground might shake
and i turn my lights off in the moonlight
and i take my hands off the sterling wheel
and i wake up in my bed
and i remember you're not dead
but that you killed me
and i am

i sit here and i remember how i used to see your eyes as universes and i didn't think the world was small until then
i remember how you asked me not to hurt you and i sit here very confused on how my heart is laying on the ground when you were the one that was worried
i was shaking when you told me to put my mouth on that pipe and then you called me high when i told you i was a bird
they say "put on a seatbelt" is the same as "i love you" but all you ever told me was how to put it on
they say fourteen people die a year from night terrors but why are my fears you suffocating me
when the whole town burst into flames at 11:10 why did i wish for you to love me at 11:11

something about how you wrapped your hands around my neck and i begged for less air,
something about how you punched me because i always hoped i wouldn't be pale,
people shouldn't have the power to break someone else in half but when you had it you broke me in an instant,

we spend all our time chasing colors
we are born seeing the sun
so we want yellow
then we are introduced to green
and we roll in the grass
then comes pink
because it's what everybody else wants
then we see green again
and then we meet blue,
sweet deep light blue
with blonde hair and ocean sky eyes
and it is all good until we see orange for the first time
so we leave blue
we run to orange only to find that it is really red
we like red
red leads to purple and black
and we assume this is bad,
we are hurrying to find blue again
but we run into brown and maroon
we search the whole ******* world only to find that
there was only one blue
and its gone