My head is so very, very, wrong
Thought you loved me but that's very,very wrong
I can't write poems it's very, very wrong
Can't think of anyone other than you
wrong
Can't look at anyones eyes because they don't look like yours
wrong
Can't sleep at night
wrong
I can't dream unless you're in it
I can't think unless you're in it
I can't even breathe, it's
wrong
wrong
wrong
I'm wrong because I'm not right for you
and that is so very, very
wrong

We were both sick in a way,
Me wanting you,
You wanting me,
We were torturing each other and we loved it.
That's sick.
The way you controlled my head,
The way I played with your heart.
The little lion and the lamb.
If you ask me they were both equally in the wrong.
Oh, the sick Lion,
Oh, the sick Lamb.
Which one was I?
Or does it matter?

She stares,
Looking at nothing,
Perhaps thinking, Perhaps not.
Her eyes are glossy,
Her nails are red,
She smiles a smile only meant for hell to see.
Match Made In Hell,
That is what they said,
How could this angel, also be the devil? I asked.
They smiled because they knew,
I ignored because I did not.
But here I am,
Awestruck by this beautiful devil,
Who smiles at nothing.

Let’s say for a few years of your life, you chewed a pack of gum a day.  and this gum wasn’t a gum that got old, you never wanted a new flavor.  And this gum made you really, really, extremely happy.  Let’s say you were going through hell but this gum brought you back from it.  So then you wake up one day, and you can’t chew this gum anymore.  And you're given no reason as why so you're just walking around confused and uncomfortable because you're not chewing any gum.  And the thing is: you see gum everyday.  You just can’t have it.  And when something becomes a habit, you tend to think about it all the time when said habit is not being preformed.  And over time you learn that you can’t chew gum but you still don’t know why and you still think about it all the time.  Then half a dozen months have passed and you find yourself back in a good place but you still can’t get that juicy, flavorful, everlasting gum out of your head.   So you try to ignore the urge but it is always there, pulling at your brain, that you need this gum, that this gum makes you happy.  But you still can’t chew this gum, that isn't even an option.  Then its a year, and although you may not want to chew this gum anymore you still constantly think about it, because your body is so used to it, your body is not ready to give up the hope that someday you will chew that gum again.  Then one day, you get the chance to chew it.  It is sitting right in front of you, ready to be chewed.  And you bolt.  You bolt because that beautiful little brain of yours is trying to protect you.  Because yes, you can taste that gum again.  But there will come a day, soon or far, that said gum is taken away.  And you can’t be put through that again.  This is the best way i can describe my crave for you but my unwillingness to fulfill it.

Do you ever have a feeling,
you can't put your finger on what it is.
It's deep in your stomach,
And strong in your throat.
It makes your head hurt,
And your hands shake.

It's grief.
"But who died?"
They ask innocently.
Who died?
I laugh.
Who didn't?

That little girl with blonde hair,
Kicking a ball around the field,
Eating only chicken nuggets,
Ravolli on a good day.
That girl who took a pledge,
To dare to never drink or do drugs.
The girl who loved and hugged.
The animals she cared about,
The people.
She is the dead one.

And nobody even knew.

So here we are,
After a whole year- here we are.
And i want to make these words as beautiful as possible,
But i don't think i have the time.

You said to me,
"How do you know? You've never been to hell."
and i laughed
it was so funny,
maybe it was the drugs,
or the drinks,
but sober or not i still laugh.
Because i have, in fact, been to hell.
The one you put me in when you left.

One person can have more of an effect on you than one thousand,
My mom walked in with the house up in smoke,
I got everything taken but i am not sad,
Do you wish to know why i am not sad?
You

After one whole year nothing was different.
You're hair,
Wish you asked me if i liked,
Of course i do.

I am  exhausted,
After not sleeping for three days,
After not eating for two,
Hit after hit after hit,
Shot after shot after shot,
I cannot lay in my bed,
I can't lie in my bed because you were the last one in it.
I can't disrupt the beauty in that.

It was the first get-together
After you were dead.
I sat there in my long skirt
with my tennis shoes
And wondered about you.

I stared outside,
the smoke from the fire made it seem like it was hot outside,
It's November 27th
It looked hot outside.

Were you in the trees,
Or the grass,
Were you the heat,
Were you just ash?

Could you read my mind?
Are you fine?
Is God real,
Is heaven divine?

Or is hell hot,
And the Devil cold.
Does he like being called Lucifer?
You'd think I'd know.

Smoking kills,
We blew you're ashes away.