I drown my focus to my shoes. Slamming up and down against the pavement, left right,left right,left right. I finally look up,
terror overwhelms my body. I start to shake uncontrollably, walking faster and faster. Trying to get there unnoticed, but I contract a heavy limp. Walking alone,terrified. I arrive at my destination.

My shaking legs are starting to feel to weak
to hold up my sweat covered body.
My head starts to spin when I realize how dangerously fast my heart rate is.
My breathing increases,kind of like a panting dog trying to cool down.
Which is what I need to do, it feels as if my blood is boiling. My mouth as dry as a dessert and my eyes feel like matches in my head.

But instead of feeling better I keep feeling worse. I look around quickly then back at my shoes. Just that slight movement made me feel as if I was going to faint. I look up as I'm called upon, my heart racing faster. I stumble over to the counter. Where my fear looks me strait in the eye. She says how may I help you today. Awkwardly studdering, I state my business and do what needs done.

I then run away, and rush back to my car. My eyes locked to the ground avoiding eye contact with anyone. I reach my car and sit down to slow my heart rate, then race back home. The only place I feel safe.

I wanna write a poem that takes your breath away.
I wanna write a song that brings you to tears.
I wanna write a story of our love.
I wanna write something to cause that beautiful smile.
I wanna find the words to describe just how much you mean to me.
I wanna write something you'll cherish.
I wanna write something to bring back those first date butterflies.
I wanna write a poem for your beauty.
I wanna write a song about my happiness.
I wanna write a story of my love towards you.
I wanna write to you,but I can't.
I wanna learn how to write when I'm happy.
Because all I wanna do is write to you.

A long hesitant breath
A brief moment of eye contact
A soft grin
As hands softly collide
Gently caressing one another
As grins turn to smiles
And eyes of passion
Turn to eyes of seduction
A slow arch of the back
An even slower
Stretch of the neck
A pucker of lips
As the stretch increases
For lips to meet beautifully
And passionately
Hearts sinking
Butterfly wing flapping
Sparks flying
Living in a moment of bliss
Caught in the kiss

Depression isn't what you think
It isn't laying in bed crying
Its laying in bed starring,
At the ******* walls
With the same hurt on your mind
But not one tear will fall
Because your to numb
To let anything out

Depression isn't what you think
It isn't something your daily routine
Can get rid of,
Its walking around emotionless,
Like your immune to life.
It's letting the sadness build up,
Not laughing at jokes,
And having to drag yourself
Just to make it through the day.

Depression isn't what you think
It isn't wishing for,
The sadness to end.
Its wishing for your life to end.
Its taking a razor blade,
Across your wrist,
Maybe you're thigh
To numb the pain.

Depression isn't what you think
It isn't talking to your friends,
So they can cheer you up.
It's having no friends,
Because you shut everyone out,
So no one else can hurt you.
It's better to have no one
Then someone that can help.

Depression isn't what you think
It's an emotional shut down
It removes you from life
It eats at your mind
Destroying you mentally,
And physically,
Until there is nothing left.

If I wrote a poem,
Just to get your attention.
Would it?
If I could find the words,
To define your beauty
And how much I'm attracted...
To you.
Would you appreciate the gesture?
If I wrote about,
How you make me happy...
Would you be happy about it?
If I wrote about never hurting you,
Like some people in your past have done.
Would that change your view on relationships?
If I wrote about the fact,
That I honestly do really like you.
Would you think about it?
If I wrote about,
wanting a chance.
Would you consider giving me one?
If i just let you read this,
Would you reflect on it?

We are the poets,
A mass army
Of tortured souls
Writing about our suffering
In hope to gain
peace of mind
When in actuality
The world is our torturer
And we are nothing but the victims
Writing of our experiences,
Putting words together,
Perfectly,
Into a mass
Of meaningless lines
To entertain
The ones who cause
Us to pick up the pen
What is a poet
Without a broken mind
And a damaged heart
Well, nothing but
A horrible writer
attempting to
Rhyme verses
And put together stanzas
In hope to get the
View from the world
A true poet
Is not sane
They have no belief
"Sanity" exists
They are outcasts,
Not normal
to the eyes
Of the world
But a person
More beautiful
on the inside
than a poet,
Does not exist
Poets have been
Driven past
Their breaking point
Pushed until
The damage done
Was far beyond repair
We are the poets
A mass army
Of tortured souls
Fighting a war
Of cruelty
enflicted by
The human heart
Hoping our words
Can bring peace
To the people
Who can't find peace
Within their selves

Don't judge me by that
I am not a *** head
But i will smoke on occasion
And i have found out
That in fact ****, is my best friend
After one hit,
I'll crack a smile
After the weeks I've been frowning
From this constant depression
After two hits,
Even the commercials on TV make me laugh
When i haven't been able to find humor in anything
After three hits,
I become hungry
Even though i haven't had an appetite
For a very long time
After four hits,
I feel a sudden lightness
Finally relieving me
Of all the sadness and stress weighing me down
After five hits,
I find confidence in myself
And do anything
It feels good to stop hiding behind others
After six hits,
I'll start to sing and dance
And i don't care who sees me
After seven hits,
I feel like superman
Even though my body's always drained
After eight hits,
I realize I'm somebody
Even though the world makes me feel like I'm nobody
After nine hits,
I get a little crazy
And don't care about "following the rules"
After ten hits,
I forget about all the pain
I have in my heart
And after its all gone
I fall asleep quickly
And stay asleep
After being awake for days
So yes,
**** is my best friend.

I've always been a sucker for love
I always fall fast
And i always fall deep
Maybe its because of my abandonment issues
Maybe its because the people i call family
Just don't know how to show me love
Maybe its because I'm a true romantic
But whatever the reason
Its not a bad thing
Because love is a beautiful thing
In my opinion the most beautiful thing
Going through the countless times
My breath was taken
To all the times
Butterflies bounced off my stomach walls
To the times where
It felt as if my heart fell from my chest
The first time my lover told me
She loves me
To the time when
You realize you're heart
Is their home
When you find
That there is no place to be
But in her arms
From that first awkward kiss
To finding perfection in her lips
From the first
Passionate time you made love
To the next
From the first time
You held her hand
To never wanting her to leave your arms
Love is like oxygen
That's the truth
Love gives you freedom
Love gives you hope
Love gives you determination
Hell, love gives you life
And I Love, Love
Do you?

Scars on my wrist
And scars on my leg.
Scars on my heart,
Please no more i beg.

But i put down the blade
And picked up the gun
Ending this life
I imagine would be fun

I'm losing my mind
And that is true
I'm just a tortured soul
And i don't know what to do

No one will help
All they do is put me down
I wonder what they'll say
When I'm not around

But that's ok
I won't tell a soul
About my emotions running wild
And out of control

And when I'm gone
I mean dead
Don't come to my funeral
Cause i don't want one tear shed

I still think about you frequently
And by that i mean every second
Of everyday.
I can't escape this broken heart
As if you were my first love,
Although I wanted you to be my last.
I've tried healing myself,
By dating other women
And yes, even men to.
Its actually became quite excessive,
But not one had been able to heal
The damage caused by you.
I want to move on,
I really do
But i also still want you.
In my dreams
You embrace me
And i glisten
But my dreams are always veiled,
And i wake in a state of disarray.
The while situation is opaque
And i feel oblivious
As i clutch onto something
That's no longer there.
But i visualize you
Still in love with me
Because i know
I still love you.

I wake,
My body covered in sweat,
My face, in tears
At first I was screaming,
My whole body shaking,
When I notice I was just dreaming again
I enter a trance
A hypnotic like state
Every time I re-live it
I enter this state,
A state of shock
Just as I did the night it happened
Putting this on paper
And going back
To recollect this horrid memory
Overwhelms me with fear
My heart is racing
And I feel nauseous  
But I must continue,
It happened long ago
When I was young
I don't remember how old I was
Or exactly what day it happened
For after it happened my mind was lost
I couldn't even remember my name
If I didn't re-live it
Every time I sleep
I probably wouldn't remember it at all
But my mind won't let me have that luxury,
The night it happened
I was alone
I don't know how,
Or why I was
But I was
I woke to someone
Running their hands
Under the blanket
And up my legs
It was pitch black
And I laughed
Thinking it was my cousin
Reassuring her that I wasn't scared
As my eyes started to adjust
To the dark
I saw the shadow's
Of a knife,
Being put to my throat
And the outline
Of a man asking if I was scared now
I recognize his voice
And told him to stop messing around
Then I felt the sharp side
Of the blade,
Press down against my neck
I went to scream,
But before any sound escaped,
His hand reach down
And covered my mouth
Telling me he wasn't afraid to **** me,
If I even thought about making a sound.
My eyes are completely adjusted now
And I can see his face
I've seen it a hundred times before
But never with this expression,
With a sudden wave of panic
I try to fight back
But he throws all his weight on me
Forcing me down,
He took the knife
And started cutting off my shirt,
I didn't care that he had a knife
I tried so hard to lift him off me
But I couldn't move
My arms were pinned to my sides,
Held in place by his knees.
All I wanted to do was get away
I put every ounce of energy I had
Into trying to get him off
But I couldn't
When he finally got my shirt off
He looked at me
With the most evil eyes
I had ever seen
He let go of my mouth,
But fear set in so much
I was speechless.
He bent down,
Lowered his face to mine
And said kiss me
Tears started to roll
Down my face,
As they did
He got mad and cut my arm
Again he said kiss me
So I did,
Thinking that would end it,
But he was far from over,
He took my shirt and cut it in half
One half was shoved in my mouth,
The other was tied around my wrists,
He held my arms above my head,
Completely restraining them.
Then he took off my pants
I kept putting my head up,
Trying to figure out what he was doing,
I was still to young to know what *** was
But he didn't mind showing me.
He removed my underwear
And pulled his pants down
I still didn't know what was happening,
As I cried uncontrollably
I laid my head back down
And I prayed
Asking god to please help me
Then I felt a really sharp pain
It kept getting worse
I tried to fight again
And kicked him a few times
He took his knife
And placed the point on my chest
He pushed down and turned it
Then pulled it out
A chunk of my chest went with it
He said to me
See how easy it is to cut a hole
You move or make another sound
And the next one will be deeper
All I could think about was the pain,
In my privates,
On my arm,
And on my chest.
I felt the warm gush of blood
Running down my arm
And down my rib from my chest,
It was even coming out
Through my privates
All I could think was I'm dying
That nobody could possibly bleed this much
And survive.
I laid there motionless
Crying
Wishing,
Hoping,
Praying,
For it just to end.
I start to wiggle my tongue
Slowly pushing my shirt
Out of my mouth
It finally falls out
And I scream
And that's when I wake
I don't know what happened After that
I don't know how I survived
Or if my screaming saved me
I have scars to prove my dream true
And the person that apparently found me
Answered my questions
Assuring me it did happen
But it all just feels
Like a dream

I can see it in her eyes
she's pleading for my pleasure
Slowly seducing me
With her want
And her needs
I catch her eyes in mine
And lean in for a kiss
Our lips collide
Ever so softly
And our bodies erupt
With the tingling sensation
Of passion
We seperate
An look into one another's eyes
She must have noticed my need
As she returns her lips to mine
In a more fierce manor
Our lips wrestle for awhile
Getting more aggressive
With every tilt of our heads,
I start to lift her shirt
And only when I remove it
Do our lips seperate
Then she gives me a teasing glance
As she reaches down to pull off mine
My breathing intensifies
As my heart starts to race
Out of excitement
And anticipation,
I notice her breathing
It's more intense than mine
I give a twisted smile
As I gently grab the back of her head
And pull her lips back to mine
I slowly start to move her body back
Until it fits perfectly under mine
I move my lips down to caress her neck
And I stay there
Until I hear a desperate murmur
A faded moan
An accepting grunt
Letting me know
Her want
Her need for me
Only then do I place one of my legs
Between hers
Letting my knee rub her ***
As my hands and lips
Caress every other inch of her body
I let my hand travel up her back
To relieve her *******
From they're covering
On instinct my mouth
Quickly travels to them
Kissing them
Taking my time between the two
I let my tongue trace the outline
Of her *******
And as they become *****
I playfully nibble on the nub
Her breath increases
And her moans become louder
I remove my knee from her groin
And push myself up
To slide down
She let's out a groan of disapproval
As I do so
And I laugh,
As she realizes I haven't even really touched her yet
I kiss her stomach
While I remove her jeans,
And she helps me
By arching her back,
Once their off
I again go to kissing her stomach
While my hand massages her through her *******
Which is when I discovered how wet they were,
Noticing the need she has for me
Sends exhilarating sensations throughout my body.
She starts to moan again,
As I let my tongue run under the top of her *******
I slowly take them off
Letting my lips follow
As they travel down her legs.
When they become free of her ankles
I let my lips travel back up her other leg
I stop to nibble on her thigh
While I spread her legs
Giving myself room to get between them,
I let my face fall
Down onto her ***
My mouth falls open
And my tongue slips out
To lick her
But just once to start
When I do
She moans
By far the loudest one,
Then I take her lips between mine
And **** up all her wetness,
That by now was covering most of her groin,
Tasting her for the first time
Excited my taste buds
And I went in for more
I let my tongue run
Up and down her ***
Circling her entrance with it
Then going up to her ****
Flicking it in every direction
Again and again
I let her moans,
Become my motivation
And as they intensified
So did my tongue,
She started to let out
Squeals and groans of pleasure
As her legs started to shake
I slowed my pace
And let my tongue wrap around her ****
Gently pulling at it
Then her legs tightened
Around my neck
As I altered between
******* and nibbling on it
It was almost ear-piercing
When she moaned
As she came,
When I knew she was finished
I ****** up the last of her delicious juices.
I climbed back up
Her now trembling body
Without wiping my mouth
I returned my lips to hers
And we shared her taste
Beautifully
Passionately
Until we were both exjhausted
And out of breath

I seen you the other day
With her
And it hurt
Your eyes were glowing
As you looked at her
The same way mine glow
When i look at you
It hurt when i saw you
Hold her hand
And smile
Just like you did with me
Seeing you together
Just hurt
Like a truck
That ran strait into my chest
I told myself to look away
As that tear dried
Leaving a mark on my face
I'm glad your happy
But I am just lost
Without you

A dim light
Faded in the background
So far away
It's beautiful
Giving of a
Lumenesent glow
I run twords it
Stretching out my hands
But I never get there
It's like chasing after the sun
The darkness clouds around me
And the monsters
Are pulling at my back
Dragging me father away
Am i dead
If I am
I regret
Ever wishing to be
I want to wake
From this horrid dream
Let me be free of the dark
It's been so long
I need to be free
I want to feel the light
Bounce off my skin
I want to smile
But being stuck here
I don't remember how to
I can barely remember
What happiness is
All i see is pain
An suffering
And in these dark corners
Of my mind
And evil presence
Is starting to grow
I'm adapting to it
I don't want to
But in this dark
They call my name
Wanting me to become
A monster
One of the dreadful tortured souls
That haunt me,
I can feel myself
Falling into the same path
Is this hell,
Shouldn't they're be fire
I'm freezing
But my blood boils
I can't fight it
I feel vulnerable
To this nightmare
Called life

I'm on the edge
One small wind
and I'll fall
I'm so close
That the rocks
Beneath my feet are
starting to crumble
I want to keep my balance
But i keep getting closer
No matter how hard
I try to go back
I can't
My body's to worn down
Mentally and physically
But the fear is gone
I feel like I've already fallen
And i keep hoping it's
Just a dream
Well more like a nightmare
And yet I continue to wake
I'm so close
To just jumping off
Cause it doesn't seem
Like this life is gonna stop pushing
Does anyone notice
That I just can't take no more
Trust is seldom
And everyone is deceiving
They throw they're weight on me
But I can barely hold my own
No one seems to want to relieve me
Of this torture
No one seems to care
Will it end if I choose to jump
Or will I go to an endless pit of suffering

My hearts frozen
Like a solid sheet of ice
Ironically it's true
I don't know what to do
Am I just
Afraid to make a new move
Afraid of what you'll think
That's all I ever think
Is if I still have a chance
Do you still love me
Did you ever
But then i feel the heat
The heat of the blood
That just keeps flowing out
Ever since you torn a hole
Or two
The way I've been
You wouldn't think I had a heart left
But I still feel it
Not as an emotion
But as a pain
The pressure in my chest
When I think of you,
Hurts like nothing I've ever felt
And it won't go away
Why can I just face the fact
That your gone
Why does my blood boil
When i think about it
Why can't i just let you go
I get chills when
I think of you
A sensation up my spine
But why
You make me feel
Just as breathless as
Facing the wind
You make me fall
As if they're was an earthquake
I drowned in your lies
That came rushing in
Like a hurricane
You have me so lost
You'd think a tornado hit me
But do you even notice
Do you even care
Or do you think your mother nature

A heart torn
Torn between two
Do I want him
Or do I want you

His hands on my hips
But your name rolls off my lips
Torn between love and passion
My heart slowly rips

In losing grip
But I force myself to hold on
I don't know why I can't except
You're already gone

He says he loves me
But that's not true
There's no love
Like the one I had for you

He seen me smile
He seen me cry
All over a girl
And he doesn't understand why

From him I hide the truth
I wanted to make her my wife
Now she's gone and he's here
But I guess it's just the bisexual life

A long day
Day of thoughts
Thoughts of life
Life so dull
Dull and boring
Boring and stressful
Stressful on me
Me being the only
Only, as it seems
Seems to only hurt
When I'm alone
Alone with my mind
Mind raging with anger
Anger that keeps growing
growing but never showing
Showing a smile
Smile to hide the hurt
Hurt i try to ignore
Ignore it i tell myself
Myself never listens
listens only to my mind
Mind my pain its all i know
Know no happiness
Happiness i crave
Crave and need
Need to be me