May Allah heal my heart and replace my torture with unexpected happiness.

The fear of losing you is haunting me everywhere I go but at least now when you're around I feel safe and secure.
Also, my anxiety instantly decline when you fill my life with your joy and laugh. The more I get attached to you, the more I love you babe. It's our destiny so don't deny it..

at 1:48 pm on 6th of July you re-emerged but not as an idea or imagination but as a real person who actually loved me with all her heart.  I would never forget the time, date or day. It's the day I had a nap with you, listening to your breath and the night I slept like a small baby placed under her mother's arms.

I officially hate you,
more than I have ever done in my life.
I hope it satisfies you enough,
now you have a reason to not come back for real.
Now you should just go away from me..
Now only I realized for real, I don't think I will ever give you other chances.
And I am not sorry about it, at all.


I just hope I can sleep peacefully away from your ****.

How are you living happily without me?
How can you keep yourself away from talking to me?
I have so many things to pour out.
I have so many things to write about, for you.
I have so many things unsaid to be said.
and I miss you.
and I missed how I used to talk to you without being afraid..
I talk to you now while shaking.
I can't believe you're here.
and I can't believe you hate me.

How will I sleep today when my heart is broken into pieces?
How will I close my eyes not knowing how will I survive days without you?
Once my mother told me, the more you try, the more you regret.
Will I regret trying?
Will I regret writing this for you?
Will you cry while reading this?
Will you come back?

As much as I want answers.
I am afraid to know any.
I am just lost.

I don't care about the words I write, as long as I am faithful that you won't leave me alone. As long as I know you are reading and you are coming back. I am sure you will.
You will never leave me because you love me, maybe you lov(ed) me, but at least you did.
You will not tolerate me for not being around, at least that's what I believe in every single day.
In my mind, you are still the same and you haven't change a bit. You are still the little girl I first saw in a shopping mall, while not wearing my lenses, where I don't remember your features except your eyes which caught mine and my heart... I was an actual kid who had a very innocent heart that I maybe not have now but I still love you the same. Babe, I still love you the same.

You claim that you don't love me anymore and you lov(ed) me once and that's enough,
You claim that the momeries are fading as I said but it's for the better?
I wish I can hate you even more than you could've imagined.
I wish I can wake up every morning watching you GONE.
I wish I can do the same, love you once, for fun and just leave whenever I want.
I wish I can go back in time and decide not to love you. I wish!!!
How can you be so heartless?
How can you be so uncaring?
How can a person act in both ways, they have loved you but they suddenly decide that your love is not enough!!!??!?
I feel like **** because of you,
and I am sorry but I wish for you to rotten with me, rotten with the idea of me chasing you wherever you go, which is reality that you ofcourse would never speak about!
Oh ****, because you are just so FILTHY.
You are born to be like that, so ******* heartless.
yeah because you only ACT like you're stupidly strong and happy without me!!! While I chase everywhere, even here, you don't ******* care about me, yet you are reading and waiting for me to right **** about you in public.
How can you be more pathetic that you already are?
If you don't care, why do you subtweet me?
If you don't care, why do you keep reading this ****?
If you don't care, why do you keep checking here? WHY?
Leave me the **** alone.
Leave this page.
I hate you.
you ******* filthy b*
I am NOT writing for your ******* satisfaction!!!! I am writing for myself and I will still love you, because I am not as filthy as you.

I knew you would hurt me but I waited. I gave you the benifit of the doubt just in case you would appreciate what I have been doing for you..
Maybe I am wrong,
Maybe I should'nt have had tried so hard.
Maybe I should just realize many things...

I should realize:
1-You are not good enough for me.
2- You don't care about me as much as you did before, in fact, you sometimes don't care at all.
3- You only bring saddness and pain to my heart, unlike before, when you used to bring me joy and happiness.
4- You will never acknowledge me infront of your parents, sisters, friends or in public.
5- You will always demand for more but give me less.
6- You think you are always right.
7- You have a replacement for me whenever I decide to go.
8- You think we won't be lovers/friends forever and it is just a phase. I know that for sure.
9- You always guarantee that I will come back.. ALWAYS.
10- You like seeing me weaker than you, sometimes I think you even enjoy it.

I will leave you but for more than the 10 reasons above.. There are more reasons that you could even imagine.

But wait,
When do I need you the most?
and Who is your replacement?
Before deciding to leave you I should make sure I won't ever come back to you like I did before.
The solution, is a new love. Shall I accept the new love offered to me? Shall I say yes? Shall I open my heart to someone else? Will I commit to him the same I did to you? Will I be his comfort zone like I did to you? Shall I give him a chance? Shall I?

Or Shall I just forgive you again (as usual) and endure the pain...?

I know you probably won't read this or find out that it's me. Here I'm gonna pour out everything, every feeling I have for you and maybe one day you realize that I am worth it.
I know I shouldn't forgive you..
I know I shouldn't care anymore,
but unfortunately I do.
It's hard to figure out why do I still hold on.. Why can't I hate you or why do I forgive you for every ****** thing you have done to me..
Is it because I love you so much and my heart refuses to hate you?.. or Is it because I just can't live without you being around.?
Forgiving you is so easy to me
I cannot see the bad in you.
Never.
You're my angel.. you're something that is always right. At least that's what I see.
Every time I try to hate you,
I say "oh she did this"
and "oh she did that"
then i remember
"many ppl have done them, its ok, i love her, i should forgive her, she's my one & only how can I not forgive her, it's normal, every single person on earth can hurt their other half right?"
I swear I convince myself that you are a creature that has no sin.
If you noticed I always say "I love you" and never "I lov(ed) you" because I cannot fool myself.
The person I knew 7 years ago is living in me, in my heart, my head, my body and in my life everywhere I go. It is you who I cannot replace and cannot leave.

11:44pm.
I am waiting.
I just loathe the pain you insert in my heart.
I am the busiest person yet I find time to **** myself with the memories you leave for me.
I maybe hurt you,
but it's because I am hurt too.
That's something you will never understand.
You expect me to be the angel when you come back. Yet you will never understand that while you changed, I changed too.


I am dying.
This is the best phrase that can describe what I feel.
I am not anymore feeling that you are actually torturing me.
I don't feel you're going away and coming back in a blink of an eye just to play with my heart.
In fact, I remind myself of the torture, yet I convince myself that you have a pure heart that truly cares for me.

Why me?
Why?
Why should "myself" be so weak?
Why should "myself" be so lenient and easy with your torture?
Why am I so ******* "myself"?
Why can't I just "HATE" you?
Why can't God almighty make me "HATE" you?
WHY!!!!
Why can't I convine myself that you don't deserve me?
YOU DON'T.
YOU DON'T DESERVE ME.
WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND THAT!!!

I don't want to cry over you..
I don't want to wait for you..
I want to stop loving you..
I don't want to care, worry or do anything..
I want to LIVE.
Just LIVE.
I want to erase all memories.
I want to be unfaithful of you ONLY FOR ONCE.

You did every possible thing to make me give up.
I am so happy for you, you did it, you succeeded.
I am no more waiting for you.
I deleted you pictures (new/old)
I threw your gifts away, firstly, your watch which I don't want to wear anymore.
I blocked you, with enough courage.
I no longer will go after you like a kid.
You will no longer have a doll and game to play with.
It's time I get what I deserve from a specific person who would die to have me.
I am no longer in your prison. NO!
I've had enough of you!!!! ENOUGH!!!
I am not looking back this time.
I will not say oh I might regret this if you died or I died.
I will not say Allah won't accept us tearing ourselves apart.
I won't BEG you or anyone to be in my life.
I will not ask, wait, check over your tweets, check over you!!  I WILL NOT!!

I only have one last chance, and I agree to fight more than that for you.
Even if you insult me on purpose, I am still waiting. And even if you decide to leave and never come back. I will love you from a distance. I accept to do the least of what I can do for you.
Remember when you let me experience what I am experiencing now, maybe 2 years ago. I never lost hope and now although the damage is more than before, I am never losing hope.

I can't believe my heart is accepting someone else over you. I can't believe I decided to leave you after all the fighting I did for you..


I guess it is time babe.
and I won't even call you babe anymore.
#Surreal

It is time for me to leave all the pain behind.
It is time for me to live a future and not a fantasy.
It is time for me to just LIVE, without waiting for you, pleasing you or even loving you.
It is time.

I couldn't hold myself..
I cried in front of my mother like a little kid over a very silly thing.
It's not the silly thing that made me cry at 4:16 am. It's you..
I tend to keep all my emotions inside and hide it away from people until I break down over something that is not even worth it.
I try not to show how weak I am because of you. I try to pretend I am happy and fine. I try to be calm or sometimes even angry. But until now, I didn't find a way to not break down over you.
Sometimes I just watch an episode, a movie, some khaleeji series that I started watching because of your obsession over them and a scene of lovers walking side by side shows up on the screen. From inside I cry a bit, I remember when I used to hold your hand so tight.. so tight to the point the I feel the warmth of it.. I remember how I used to be so close to you.. The feeling of being safe in the arms of someone I truly and with all my heart (love). And as I do, I find myself tearing up as if I am crying on the scene, secretly I cry over you babe.. I cry over the time that I cannot bring back..

When I first saw you, I would have never thought I would love you this much.
Remember when I saw you in the park, it was the first craziest thing I have ever done in my life. I remember my heart beating so loud as I leave the house heading to the park afraid that someone would expose me.
I remember it was too dark, I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans and a tank top.
I was shivering although it wasn't too cold.
When I saw you, I felt the moment freezed somehow. I remember, it was the first time you hugged me so tight that I could hear your heart beat, or maybe it was mine, I don't even know. I remember how you did not care about anyone around us, it almost felt like we were alone in their. Remember how it was the first time I kissed your hands? You were pulling them away from, as if it was violating your dignity. I remember I did it without even thinking about it. Remember when you kissed me for the very first time? Remember how you did not look right or left, not caring about the place and the people? Rememeber how it felt... It took me away from myself.. I don't remember how did you feel after that.. but I remember how I was so childish and almost felt embarrased all the time after. I miss my old self. The one who loved you "unconditionally".. The one who trusted you in not leaving.. Remember how safe it was when I was with you? I miss it. I miss being safe. I miss placing my head on your shoulders. I miss feeling secure with you, as if you were protecting me from any harm. I miss the person I loved with all my heart without even thinking if what I was doing is right or wrong. Before I close my eyes to sleep, I remember all of these memories which are living in me. Your touch, warmth, smell and love... I can never look pass them.. Even after a hundred years.. You taught me what the word "love" means. You made me feel loved, you cared for me like I was your daughter...
and now I should forget all of that, I should hate you.. I shouldn't remember any of it.. How sad it is that love is fading after years of great memories..

I have mixed feelings about you.
I am sure I don't want you around anymore but I think I only get attached to you when you pressure me into it.
Sometimes I feel that I am just happy with you not being around because that's what's real. The reality that I always deny. When you're not around I have peace in my heart and in my mind. I stop worrying. I stop thinking about you daily movements. I stop caring, as simple as that. When you appear.. or you keep trying.. you give me the false hope I always had in you.
I am fed up from the false hope.
I am fed up being with someone who acknowledge me ONLY when I am GONE.


Sorry it's too late dear. I made up my mind.
I don't need you in my life.

I am feeling sick of your **** and just waiting for no reason.
And I should probably just give up, today.
I should start from today.
I should just leave you behind.
I should convince my heart to do so.
My heart, listen..
(She is not coming back, she is not the same person you knew before, she is not the person you loved.. Just leave her.. She is not coming back and if she came back she will control you. She will make you live in hell. She will order you on purpose to do things you cannot do or accept. She will use her force.. She will never listen to you and she will leave again & again & again..  Little heart, you cannot tolerate all of this from her, you don't need to erase her, just FORGET, force yourself to do so, think less and give up.. Let her go, little heart.. Let her go. She is not meant to be for you... She is not herself.. She is someone you don't know.. Please little heart just listen to myself's brain.. Just stop torturing the soft you.. She is not your love anymore, she is just a stranger, she left you in minutes, she broke your heart millions times, she made myself feel like **** and not worthy.. Why do you hold on? Let her go...)
3:27am.

I wish you have great days without me being around..
I wish I had super powers to reach you and tell you how much I miss you..
Days pass by,
and I feel more numb than the day before.
Although I am still waiting, I have a feeling I might give up any moment.
I wish, you were so near..
I wish, you stop making me lose hope, call me, or even text me.

To talk to you?
Or to love you from distance and silently?
Shall I just pretend that I am sorry while you're the one who insulted?
Or shall I wait for you to apologize?
Shall I just forgive every thing you did without talking? or Shall I wait for my dignity to be returned by you?
I don't even know if I am happy or sad that you aknowledged me. I don't even know what I should do. I am just sitting between people feeling paranoid.. I am slowly having a panic attack and I cannot even stop the pain in my heart to flow in my body...

It's too warm here..
Or maybe my heart is too warm and overwhelmed.
I can't believe you can just delete me from your life in seconds..
I am so stupid to have hope.
I am so stupid to be this weak.
I am so stupid to cry.
I am so stupid to call you a hundred times a day when I actually know you would never pick up.
I am so stupid to write for someone who takes my words as an act of begging you to come back.
I am so stupid to believe in you and trust you with my life..
I am not only stupid, I am a ******* weak kid, like you always say. Yes, remember when you told me I am kid, remember when you used to repeat this word several times just to make me feel like so. Yes I am kid because I believed in you. Be happy, you're so right in every word.
Yes I ruined your life.
Yes I ruined my life which is more important that yours.
Yes I ruined my heart which was filled with alot of people before you and now its so empty.
I need to remind myself.
I need to hate you so ******* much!!! I need to!!
I wish I succeed in hating you.. At least I will feel free from your prison..
Hating you will **** the hope..
It will make me happy..
It will make me stop worry about you..
I need to hate every word, every touch, every kiss, every smile, every getaway and everything that reminds me of you.
I need to throw your watch away.
I need to throw the gifts you constantly give me.
I need to throw the necklaces, bracelets, gift cards...
I need to throw the bottles of waters I always collect of days of us going out together.
I need to throw my pillow that you once placed your head on.
I need to stop imagining you walking around my room.
I need to stop from getting into my car and driving half way to your place.
I need to stop thinking of reaching you.
I need to stop styling my hair the way you like, watching the series you watch, listening to what you listen..
I need to live one day without thinking of you, what you did, where did you go, what did you eat and if you put on your car belt..
I need to sleep peacefully without imagining scenarios of you being around me.
I need to stop imagining what would you do if I came to your place, or if I saw you somewhere.
I need to stop crying whenever I write or think of you.
I need to betray you.. I need to love someone else, I need my heart to beat for another.
I need to stop loving you now and forever.. near or from distance..
That's all what I need.
That's what I am keeping in my heart.
That's what I cannot do because of the ****** hope I have.
That's what you're supposed to do, you need to make me hate you.
If you love me enough, let me hate you..
Let me be free.

Maybe I shouldn't write..
Maybe I should just cry over you secretly.
Maybe I should let you go.
What am I doing now?
Showing you how weak I am?
Why am I such a fool?
You will never come back.
Why am I so sensitive?
You will never care as much as I do.
Why do i LOVE you?????
Why?...

I don't need you in my life anymore.
20/7/2015
Monday
11:41 pm

I don't want to be a person that is constructed by you. I want to be myself.
Is that so hard for you to accept?

You expect me to be your doll, the person that you can easily construct and take control of.
I am not that kid anymore.
I am not the love of your life that you can **** at any moment.
I am not that old little kind hearted person who used to apologize a million times and for no reason.

I don't know what to do anymore...

3:35am.
I did it.
I left you.

I miss you.

You are killing me
(slowly)

I am so ******* sick of giving you chances you don't deserve.
And may this blog help me in vanishing you from my entire life *****.

and btw telling me to ******* is probably the best thing you ever did and the BEST motivation that is making me decide to LEAVE you FOREVER babe. THANK YOU FOR THAT!
Sorry because that's how it goes.
I am better without you
and I am not even sure if I love you the way I did before. So why stay? It's pretty pointless at this point especially that you hurt me immensly without even acknowledging how much I fought for you.
OH NO no more fighting, I am done.
YESSSS I AM DONE
I wish you can feel my excitement!!!
NO MORE YOUR ****!!! NO MORE BAYB!!
NO MORE WORRIES!
NO MORE PAIN!
AND YESSSS NO MORE YOU!!! FTW I AM SO ******* HAPPY!  
You made my brain click of how FILTHY you are and how much you don't deserve the LEAST **** from me.
I just hope you rotten with your sick pyshco personality. I hope you go fix yourself! No one in the entire world would like to lose a person who might actually die for them and love them to death you psychic *****. And I would never do that to someone who loves me. I am glad I am done from your mentality. Sorry if that hurts but its the ******* truth you cannot deny.