The way you always held me
With gentle arms I can’t forget
Memories so clear and vivid
Tho we’ve never met

Tho we’ve never met
I’ve always known you’re there
I wonder what you look like
What’s the color of your hair?

What’s the color of your hair?
What’s the sound of your name?
Tho I’ve never heard it
I want to hear it again

To hear it again
Like a thousand times before
When will I meet you?
When will you arrive back at my door?

When will you arrive back at my door?
It seems you’re running late
Tho I’ve never met you
I wonder why you make me wait

I wonder why you make me wait
You know how much I care
I wonder what you look like
What’s the color of your hair?

I stand alone
Frozen, frightened, without power
Can I stay the course for one more day?
Perhaps one more hour?

This pain is gripping
Can I make it one more day?
The loneliness is crushing
My familiar habits could take all that away

Forty-three years I've been like this
Never jailed nor hospitalized
All this time, I've managed to get by
But for a wounded soul and tearful eyes

Too proud to ask for help
Too weak to make it without
Can I stay the course for one more day?
Will I be beaten by fear and doubt?

Maybe I can slip across the line
Maybe just for a day
I know that's a lie
Perhaps I can convince myself anyway

Every moment that goes by
I miss her warm seductive gaze
Couldn't we dance one more time
For an hour or a couple of days?

I know that won't work
This sickness she can't heal
Perhaps peace lies only
Is in the taste of the gunsmith's steel

I've been to a meeting
Actually four
There, I saw something else
Do those people have something more?

These people who meet
These people who share
How could they help me?
Why should they care?

To them … I'm a stranger
To me … I'm a shame
So why the warm embrace?
Why do they even remember my name?

They talk of a Higher Power
Can such a thing be?
But the question is moot
He would never want me

I fell wounded to my knees
A prayer slipped out
My vision a bit clearer
Less blurred by fear and doubt

If I ask for more
Will He grant it to me?
Maybe wisdom and courage
Perhaps acceptance and serenity

But if God is just
I should be punished without end
Instead ... a glimmer of hope
Instead ... a way to begin

Now, could I tell this in the rooms?
No, that's too naked - too daring
But maybe I'm wrong
Perhaps this is the stuff of sharing

Let me tell you what I want….

I want to read Somerset Maugham and Aldous Huxley and Leonard Cohen and Mary Oliver
I want to hike bits of the Appalachian Trail and take long walks in the hills around Snowdonia
I want to ride about in the DC Metro and the London Underground
I want to explore small towns and big cities
I want to eat lunch in quaint little bistros and have dinner at the table in my yard
I want to browse through antique stores and fancy boutiques
I want to play with dogs and rub their bellies
I want to take long drives without a destination in mind
I want to waste an entire Sunday at home talking about everything and doing nothing
I want to build a fire and watch a movie
I want to sit on the couch and sip tea

Most of all, I want to do these things with you

Don't let your addiction take this away
With all the bits of my heart….

For so long I knew
That I wouldn’t want anyone
Who would want me

For so long I knew
That anyone I wanted
Couldn’t want me

So how can it be
That I am with the only one
I would want to want me

And how can it be
That it’s you who  I want
And it’s you who wants me

If you see my potential
If you see how I can change
If you see the amazing things I could be
Please leave now

If I show you my scars and you think they can heal
If I have a few pounds you think I can loose
If you have faith my income can grow
Please leave now

If you know I could be all you want me to be
If you know I can overcome all of this
If you know I can become the man you want
Please leave now

If you see differences but not shortcomings
If you see unique oddities that add to my charm
If you describe my quirks as adorable
If this version of me is complete enough for you
Then stay a while

Arms held out
Like slender branches without leaves
Unable to receive the sun
Waiting
Tired – and waiting
Till when?
For what?