I dreamed I was
on your couch
and you gave me
that white blanket
I love and you
played with my
fingers and kissed
me on my temple
just like always
and your eyes
did that little
crinkly thing I
look forward to
when you laugh
and you said,
"I've missed you
so much."
And I woke up
and reached out
to find you, but
I found I was
in my own bed
in my own room
in my lonely apartment.
I don't want to go
back to sleep.

My bed feels empty
without you even
though you never
slept here. So isn't
it funny how your
side of the bed
still belongs to you
in a place you
weren't a part of?

There's so much pressure on
my chest and I can't figure out
how to make it into real words
that sound like "don't *******
text me after two years of silence
and just say 'hey whats up,' you
massive *******" except nicer.

Tendrils of regret snake up from the shadows,
I thought I had gotten away this time,
though it would appear I was mistaken;
As I usually am.
Ghosts of memories slip through my eyes,
blinding me to the present reality,
water of salt drips from my empty sockets,
as I fall into the nightmares of times long past.

The haze of dolor clouds my mind,
luring me back into feelings I thought were gone,
but of course, I was ever-so wrong;
As I usually am.
Demons smirk and scratch across my brain,
reminding me of their control,
for I was given an inch but took a mile,
unacceptable, I should have known.

Mania dances wildly across my sanity,
reminding me of what I never had,
though I thought I had regained it, I was incorrect;
As I usually am.
Friend-masked foes sing songs of betrayal,
piercing my ears so I can no longer hear the truth,
if I ever really heard it in the first place;
It is now that I'm senseless.

I just can’t continue to feel bottled up like this anymore.
I finally thought I was over
you, and I finally realized things will never work out;
I’m doomed either way I go, and both ways
hurt to know that she won...
she won...
because I messed up
I wasn’t thinking
I was selfish
now when you date this girl,
this girl who has two friends who
want nothing more than to just help
her and be there for her to the end of time, you realize
how much that hurts?
How much it stings?
How much it just wants to make me
scream
rip out my hair
and just look up to see you walk away from me
walk away,
walk away,
that smile never leaving my dreams, the funny odd faces you pull
never leaving my memories,
and even now, as I think of them,
I try to laugh, defeated, through
the tears.
That string’s become wrapped tightly now
restricting my blood flow, and turning my finger purple.
Purple
such an ugly color
I can’t help but adore.
I emulate you to no end, trying to appear
attractive to you in some way
I don’t know if I want you,
I just know that I want you to be mine.
Getting close to you by talking simply
got me addicted again;
thirsty for the feeling
of having you around. I want to be your friend,
I want to be your lover,
I want to be what you want me to be.
**I want to be perfect, I need to be perfect.