"Go with the flow,
Love will show the way."
Just a few of the many
things you might say.

But how would I know?
You're nowhere to be seen.
If love will show the way,
then where the hell have you been?

I don't know if any of this matters, but I need to say it anyway.

I could say
"I'm sorry",
but it wouldn't mean more
than the "I love you"s
I faked.

I don't know much about
what makes your eyes light up,
or what you think about at 3AM.

I do know that you aren't much for words,
but for me you tried.

I know you once told me
food tasted better when you were
with me.

I know your favourite song is
Scar Tissue,
and that you play guitar.

I also know that you were not sure of me
either.


Back then, I would have told you I loved you
to keep you around.
Because I was
scared.

Today, I would tell you I love you
because I mean it.
Because you bring out
the best in me.


I do not know many things.

But I am sure that I have made a mess.

I am sure that I miss you like hell, and I was wrong.

I don't know if any of this mattered, but I needed to say it anyway.

Someone once told me I was not colourful.
In the way I
Laughed,
Danced,
Spoke.

When I sought out something to fill my pages,
I found you fit the bill.
In the way you left me
Bruised,
Broken,
Defeated.

I looked in the mirror,
And I saw it.
My colours
Black,
Blue,
Crimson red.

Someone told me I needed to wash you away,
That I needed colours,
Not shades:
Destructive,
Controlling,
Loveless.

I keep scrubbing and scrubbing,
Just to get you away.
But the
Scars
Wont
Fade.

“Let’s watch the sun rise,” you said.
While I bore my eyes into the light, you were watching through the reflection in my eyes.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” you said.
While I shuffled around each calorie to avoid question, you shuffled in your seat – nervous to know if you would get to take me out again.

“Let’s go to the movies,” you said.
While I raved about the film, you thought about the way my hand felt in yours.

“Goodnight,” you said.
While I questioned what was really in your heart, you thought about what it would be like to wake up next to me.

“Goodbye,” I said.
And I felt nothing.
While you felt *everything I didn’t.

I begged you to stay,
But you left without a word.
I wish you would have listened because
I had so much to say.

I begged you to try,
But you gave up without a fight.
Every day without you here
is another lonely night.

You begged me to move on,
With lust filling your brown eyes.
You hoped that I was stronger,
that you wouldn't have to lie.

You begged me not to cry,
But I gave too much to lose it all.
You wished away our promises because
Now you'd take the fall.

But beggars can't be choosers,
And just because we thought we won,
Never meant we'd not end losers.

At 3AM I hear your laughter echo through the house, and I let it ring through my memories the way the summer breeze blows through my open window.

3:01 I touch my lips and remember the way they used to press against yours, and I let the feeling sink down the way my exhausted body sinks into my mattress.

3:02 I remember the way you would grab my wrists, and i'd wince as the pain shot through me, the way my teeth pierce my cheek in my mid night  nervousness.

3:03 I realize all the time I've wasted, between 3:00 and this very moment.

3:04 I realize I've wasted more than minutes on you. I've wasted months, years.

3:05 I clear my head. Your laughter becomes absent as it really was, your lips aren't mine to kiss, and my wrists are only pained by my own hand.

3:06 I remember the past 5 minutes, for the infinite time since you left me.