Thoughts of you are near me this morning as close as though you were sitting next to me
I wish you were
And I wish it were raining here, and we were once again under the shroud of something bigger than ourselves.
I wish you knew what it feels like to be next to you. I wish you understood what it is to be held at arm's length. Always with you, waiting and watching for the moment you let me in. And in time you do, always, but it is something given like a gift. I wait for it.
I wish you were here today, as I awake, and could feel the warmth of your body next to mine though your heart may be closed from my view. Behind walls that you're constantly erecting and dismantling before my eyes.
I am okay with the builder in you; the walls I know every stone, every irregularity and every crack. I know also the man who comes in and knocks down walls to my amazement, and I see the surrender in your eyes when you do. In those moments, I reach out and cradle your heart lest you trample that too.
You have always felt undeserving and my love is something you have never been able to stomach all at once. It's too much.
We argue about what this means. To me it means I overwhelm.
You understand it to be something different which loses its magic in describing its attributes. It is not meant to be understood you say. It just is and that's that and why are we talking about this anyway?
And you laugh gently and hold me in your arms too tightly and I know it matters though we lack the words.
This is how it is with us, as imperfect as lopsided pancakes and instant coffee which I serve to you and you're polite enough not to spit out. As well worn as the t-shirt I sleep in that was once yours and is now too small and full of holes. Something that I have claimed for my own, the same way I claimed your reluctant heart.
But it wasn't always reluctant. You got brave and when you kissed me it was as though you'd been getting brave for an eternity and I swooned in the power of your love.
Swooned, my word, not one you'd ever use. But I did, the ground shook beneath my feet and everything changed. You reached deep inside me and stole my heart in that moment. I didn't even know it at the time. But you did, didn't you?
After years of this dance we engage in, I think I finally know the steps. Advancing and retreating as we have for years. I know this one by heart. You've favoured the periphery lately and that's alright Love, I've always been too much for you.
How deep is my love? Do you know now and trust that it won't drown you in its wake?
Oh Love, life is a funny thing, and when you left the dance hall momentarily. I wasn't ready to let you go. I just figured you were taking your leave and would return. Never did I think that perhaps it would be the last time, our last dance. Never did it occur to me that I wouldn't have another moment with you. And when you told me that there was nearly no breath left in this life.
Did you see for a moment what lay beyond? Did you turn back, because you knew that we couldn't do without you? Not yet. And perhaps we'll never be ready but I was so happy to hear that you would be here just a little longer. Until, maybe, just maybe I learn what saying goodbye feels like.