if someone were to love me
I would never notice them
I would be too busy loving someone
who would never love me back

I think back to the few times we spent together and then I think back to how I glorified them
I created you as if you were the romantic interest in a rom-com
I made our story twist and turn, which made the dagger you stuck in me turn with it.
I created you as if you were my soulmate
as if I could feel what you were feeling from miles away
I created a story that had this false happy ending that someday, someway, we will end up together
Maybe walking down the streets of Manhattan we'd find each other or maybe in an old coffee shop while I'm working on my dissertation and you're on another tour
The last time we kissed I had this sudden realization.
You said to me, "what if you change your mind like you always do"
and I replied "It's been four years, I don't think I could"
We shared one last kiss and I couldn't feel the shape of your lips, I didn't crave your touch, I didn't want that moment to last forever
I felt that feeling I've had after kissing every other guy
this sense of nothingness that I thought only you could remedy
as I said those last words, I blew out the candles of our so-called love without realizing it
I saw this look in your eyes of fear, my brain started racing about why you would think I would lose interest in you
and then it clicked
you were worried because it was not you who I loved
I never loved you
I did, however, love the character I made you into
I loved the person I created
and when I realized you were not him...
Well, that's when it was all over.

I wanted late night phone calls
I wanted trips to the city
I wanted dinner dates
I wanted someone pretty
I wanted a man
I wanted the truth
I wanted good taste
I wanted a goof
I wanted ambition
I wanted so much
and once it was in front of me
I was delighted
but here's the catch-
I couldn't be with him
it would have been a consequential sin
so I shut my mouth
and I clenched my fists
I turned my head
and kept saying "I never wanted this"
and I believed it for a second
until I saw
him slipping away
and I had nothing at all
what I wanted was you
and when you came my way
I turned my head
because of "someday"

Four years I loved you
Four years you were all I had
Four years I dreamt of you
Four years I thought of you when I was sad
Four years I kept you
Four years I thought you were the one
Four years I  cried over you
Four years I thought I was finally done
Four years I confused your words with truth
Four years I put you on a pedestal
Four years I tried to make it work
Four years, for years, I loved you so.
Now I ask, where did that love go?

But if you change your mind
like you do
I'll never really feel like I have you.
if you change your mind
like you do
How can you expect me to let myself fall for you
if you change your mind
like you do
if we could hit rewind
and turn back time
I'd like to
but now we're here
it's crystal clear
that you could change your mind
one
thought at a time
like you do
so I must
imagine
my life without you
because you love me today
but I can't depend on if you'd love me tomorrow

Just friends, we say, as we kiss each other tenderly.
Just friends, we say, as we squeeze each other tight.
Just friends, we say, as we gaze into each others eyes.
Just friends, we say, as we turn off all the lights.

Your body is a sea I want to get lost in
Your eyes are a path that's too curios not to follow
Your hair is a silky blanket I can't help but to touch
Your voice is a sweet song I can't stop listening to
You're a bad habit I just can't quit.

I want to show you the beautiful parts of love
It seems as though you don't think there's any
but there is
like late night phone calls
rushing to see each other at 3 a.m. just for a cuddle in a kiss
being able to call each other crying
holding each other and not wanting to let go
love is a beautiful thing if you open your doors and let it in
I wish I could show you

I appreciate the way you smirk
I appreciate the way you calm me down
I appreciate the way you me laugh
I appreciate the way you hold my hand
I appreciate the way you always listen
I appreciate the way you pull me close
I appreciate the way you kiss me
I appreciate the way you miss me
I appreciate the way you think
I appreciate the way you feel
I appreciate the way you act
I appreciate the way you believe
I appreciate your motivation
I appreciate your wit
I appreciate your eyes
I appreciate your lips
I appreciate your mind
I appreciate your love
but most of all
I appreciate us.

If I had never met you...
If I had never met you, maybe I'd be sleeping right now
Maybe your ghost wouldn't linger at my back or on my lips
Maybe I'd be hand in hand with someone else
And not feel guilty anymore
If I had never met you maybe this pit wouldn't be here
Maybe my mind would be clear
Maybe my breaths wouldn't be sighs
If I had never met you maybe I still wouldn't believe in love
Maybe I still would believe in myself
Maybe I would be happily alone

There's an emptiness next to me that you never filled
but I had always wished you did
we caress each other without touching
we're close enough that hairs raise with goosebumps
it's electric
the story isn't happy
no, it's stressful
annoying
difficult
all things that we didn't expect to follow love
before we knew what love was
How innocent we once were
the four letter word is thrown out in desperation
as a plea of "don't leave me"
yet I did anyway
and so did you
we were electric
a beautiful strike of light that would appear and trickle away
slowly
f
a
d
i
n
g
until our next storm begins

and here I sit
wishing for you to talk to me
wishing things were different
wishing you would love me
in all the ways you could
wishing that our love could
finally be understood
it's 11:15
and here I sit
doubting that our love will
ever be present
looking at my phone and
seeing no missed call
feeling fists in my stomach
wanting to feel nothing at all
it's 11:20
and my wishes still aren't true
sometimes I think my wishes
aren't supposed to be about you

my brows furrow
my skin tightens
my stomach turns
because I'm frightened

It's almost as if you reach for my hand but if I reach back you drop it to your side
It's almost as if you call my name but say nothing if I call yours
It's almost as if you want to show me to the world but you hide me from it
It's almost as if you love me but don't know how

A month ago today,
you simply said my  name
you'll never know how much that meant
you said my name and away it went
I clutched that love letter, never sent
you called my name, I felt your pain
your shame, and I too wanted to take you away
I heard your voice so fragile
so sweet
I heard your voice
and my knees went weak
a month ago today
you took my breath away
I grabbed your hand as if to say
I'm here now, and here forever I will stay

Take my hand,
I'll lead you to the dance floor
our two left feet somehow make a right
I want to wind into your arms and dip
take that risk I've never taken with you at my hip
Dancing to smooth jazz
I wont let go if the song is sad
I'll stay in that waltz
I'll hold your hand
till the last song plays
till there's nothing left

you fill me up completely
I spill over the edge

I drip and drip and drop

anticipating the end

I get so full, I feel empty

how can that be?

you fill me up completely

until I’m lost in a sea of me

I want to find your favorite freckle

I want to touch your biggest flaw

I want to feel your arms around me

I want to smell your rich cologne

I want to kiss your tender lips

I want to touch your soft skin

I want you, here, around me.

I want you now, forevermore.

you make my palms sweaty

you make me blush

you make me cry

you make my heart rush

you make me sing

you make me scream

you make me feel like you’re my everything

it’s been so long

since you’ve held me

but still I feel

we’re meant to be.

Why is it that
when fate comes knocking
I turn away and feel him stalking
Why is it that
I cry for you
when the door went unanswered

I've seen you smile
I've seen you kiss
I've seen you glad
I've seen you miss
I've seen you sad
but no longer,
I may be gone but I'm still here
I see you love, like me so dear
I see you happy, that's all I see
what a limited view that is for me
The lost girl fell in love
but the lost girl
is not the one

What are you saying to me, my body?

Why are you shaking me, my body?

Why are you straining me, my body?

I try to listen but I cannot hear

all I feel is being engrossed in fear

I want to close my eyes I want to run

What is the truth I’m trying to get away from?

You make me feel weak, my body.

So weak I can’t speak, my body.

I chew away at you to escape the pain of you

Calm down for me, my body.

I love you, my body.

I no longer know your lips

I no longer know your touch

I no longer know your face

yet I yearn for you

I yearn for those soft lips colliding with mine once more

I yearn for those rough hands on my arm, ever so lightly

I yearn to see your bright eyes, half smile, crooked teeth

I no longer know you

but I wish I did

Restless souls seeking the innocent
Twisting their views, ruining their lives
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
Sanctuary is no longer present
Addiction captures them spiraling them deeper and deeper until they’re
Gone
Until there isn’t anymore to take
Knowledge disappears, along with morals.
Rock bottom
Trying to rekindle what was once there
Changing their direction but have gone to far
Lost
In the forests, where the sun never shines
Holding them hostage
Watching, snickering at what they’ve become.

Attempting to spark the flame once again but the lighter wont work
you're doing it all wrong, you're being more of a lurk.
what was the true meaning of your questions today?
do you still care about me or do you just want it to appear that way
I don't hate you but you're evil, we can never be friends.
You're heartless, you deceived me but I love you to the end.
Once a best friend, always in the heart.
at least trying to rekindle this was a nice start.

Poison, that's all you are,
It shows with each one of your scars.
You play the card "you're dead to me"
you blame me for everything
you say I'm doing things that I'm not
you put it peoples heads so their idea of me rots.
I don't get why you're so mean.
Why must you do those  things?
It all makes sense now, I guess you could say.
How all of you just went away.
The friends I thought I had, I guess I didn't.
Time to move on and just forget it.

the quick glances
the shy smile
it's coming back
I feel like a child
it's been so long
to have a crush
but whenever I see you
you make me blush.

I'm being watched by everyone- that's just how it feels
I say one thing, it's taken wrong, they go off on a speel
my whole life can depend on dirt they find under my shoe
It's scary to think that their eyes are on you
Every page of your life is somewhere on here
nothing's personal anymore, to make it quite clear.
It starts off as a friend but I see it as a monster
it can unravel you into a disaster.

All of the sudden, out of the blue
**** you're gone without giving a clue
a quick goodbye, a subtle lie
you're bizarre but intriguing too.

Sometimes I feel like my friends aren’t my friends

they’re just keeping me around to avoid bitter ends

and this isn’t a plea for “tell me you care”

this is just a pondering, if I dare.

The stress increases, day by day.

Is that sincere? or is it just an “okay”

I  don’t want to seem clingy

I don’t want to intrude

but frankly, my dears you’re being quite rude.

Tell me the truth of how you all really feel

Maybe it’ll just close the deal.

I have other friends, but do I really?

is it just me again being silly?

Come out, come out, what few friends remain.

I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m sore from this game.

Am I loved? Am I hated? Just tell me the truth.

I cant waste my time trying to be a sooth.

It no longer hurts,
that pain I felt.
It's like you're gone,
from the earth itself.
Do you exist?
Did my feelings ever?
You're a lost boy
who can love someone for never.