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god help me i want to believe
that i am      something worth
holding somethingworthgold
or   silver   something   worth
rippingthethreadsaround the
edges of your heart  i used to
believe i was the sun and   all
itssiblingsbutnow i am afraid
i  will  only   ever   b e   bones
s  t  r  e  t  c  h  e  d  andheldso
tightly under too pale s k i n  i
want to  wrap  my  thin  arms
around you   until you think i
am  t h e  holy land until your
two breaths to my one  are  in
s  y  n      c  o      p  a     t  i  o  n
until   we     are   whole   again
(I) seaweed skin
today there is a
crevice where my
lungs used to be

(II) brass arteries
i took the long
way to work this
morning trying
to sidetrack my
mind with new
roads but there
are some bits of
you creeping up
my spine and
burrowing into
my hair and
nuzzling my ear
i had thought that
by now i would be
able to take breaths
without chunks of
sentences meant for
you breaking off
from my bronchial
tubes but they are
somehow still lodged
in there like they
have been called home

(III) umbrella heart
i used to wish no one
would ever touch me
ever touch me ever
touch me because their
fingerprints would last
too long and i can't scrub
them off like i want to
please let this be different
please let this be the end
of you aching at the base
of my skull and robbing
me of my purple dreams
and green hopes i want
to feel myself in my arms
instead of you
it has been ten months three weeks
and five days   since   the last time i
spoke words that  were meant only
for your ears and i   am doing okay.
******* how did you
make me never want
to be touched touched
touched please do not
look at me please do
not breathe near me i
used to crave hands
like they were homes
and i was traveling the
country but now i can't
imagine someone ever
putting their palms on
me or near me i've
been stopping to make
sure all the air intended
for my lungs has been
making it there but i'm
struggling with it every
day when will i be okay
when will i look at another
person and not try to find
you in their laugh lines
and unshaved face when
will i be sewn up from
the inside out i think you
ripped out all of my
stitching a long time ago
this is a disgusting mess but i'm not sorry
i have let you keep me up at night for
too long. there used to be a limit to what i
would allow myself to do- how much i would
allow myself to think of you, to remember your
temperaments and the sound of your footsteps-
but i think i've forgotten what and where that
line was. lately i've been scared to be another
placeholder, scared to get attached to someone
new, scared to understand someone else's hand
gestures. i used to love the way you could paint
our future with your fingertips across the air,
across my skin, across my skin.
I miss you.

Yours,
Megan
i used to wish i could plant
you in my backyard- grow
a whole field of you to have
for myself. now i'd like to
plant myself there to see
what i'll grow into instead.
it's a very odd/uncomfortable/weirdly
satisfying feeling to know that a whole
section of my life- my whole story with
you- is over.
fifty-two sundays later and i
do not consider myself to be
someone who is healing but
someone who is recovered. it
still stings at the very bottom
of my lungs sometimes but i
no longer hate the areas of
my skin that you've touched.
i do not feel the fire of your
promises in my arms and i
can just barely recall your
laugh. did you ever think i
could have made it this far?
Goodbye, Ryan.
how  weird    that   i  could
miss  something  as simple
as   your   odd    habit     of
saying "zoom zoom zoom"
any time you're  in motion
had it really been three weeks?
there is this   candle that i keep
in a box and i save it for nights
when i want to think   of  y o u,
when the summer air is too hot
a n d   i  can  imagine  that  you
would   have  turned  o u r   air
conditioning  up so high  t h a t
i would   have had  to put  on a
sweater     while    you stripped
downtonearlynothing.i wonder
if  we  would  have  had   those
gardens you talked about   or if
you would    have taught me to
tolerate beer. i usedto think you
were the  s o l e  orchestrator of
every sunset i had ever     seen,
that you  m u s t  have bartered
some  part  of   y o u r    soul  in
exchange for that laugh       you
had, that all of the absolute ****
i had gone through was simply
there  t o   l e a d   m e   t o  you.
but you did not love me     t h e
same way, you  d i d  n o t  love
m e     the       s a m e           way.
tell me, do we have to bow
down and kiss our own feet
to become whole again?
When I was young
a gypsy woman said to me,
You'll have a life of chaos and confusion
With no end in sight, no solution.
She waved her arms in the air
pronouncing due time must pass
before I'd stumble upon peace, and
more pleasure. And love, all in good measure.

As I think about what she said
I relax on the beach listening
to the waves lapping at the shore.
Watching the children carry their plastic pails
full of jellyfish to a sandy death
before going back for more.

The haze in the sky lets through the suns rays
and I burn slightly contemplating these better days.
I don't look back but when I do, it's not for long.
I turn my thoughts to what went wrong,
then I cast the memory aside
in order to allow my spirit to glide.

Mistakes are still made,
not every card is well played.
I get nowhere if I deny,
and cheat myself with some spun lie.
Change is going to come, it comes for everyone.
I make the best out of what I've got,
sometimes it seems that it's so little
but the opposite is true, it's really a lot.
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