I've learned a lot this year.  
I've learned that things don't always go the way we want them to go.  
That life is not always gonna hand you roses.  
That you make your family.  
That my best friends have continually given me and Audi love even when I push them away.
That God is the only way I'm gonna get through the darkest moments.
That it's ok to cry.
That a broken heart will fix it itself over time.
That my normal has shattered and I have to make a new normal.
That my family has been my rock.
That my husbands best friends miss Maynard as much as I do.
That my husbands best friends have stepped up on more then one occasion to be there for Audi and for me.
That I love hugs! Lol
That Audi is the reason I'm still alive
That true saying that your heart breaks when your kids are hurting.
That Maynard will be missed by so many.
That I'm a good mom.
That my parents have far exceeded making Audi and I feel loved.
That I am a strong single mom!  And I can do this and I have to do this.

One day my feet will touch the ground of the ocean..
one day I'll find true love again...
one day my conscience will follow my head and not my heart.
One day I won't be afraid of real living and feeling free.
One day my best friends will actually see me hurting.
One day my heart and mind w will be sown back together and a scab will be there forming its own band aid.  
One day my daughter will fully understand how she makes my world turns  .
One day she will forget about hiding under her bed comforter.
One day she'll forget riding out the fights and the screaming and the crying.
One day my lips won't have to remind my brain to breathe in & out.

I miss being able to text you... to talk to you.. to joke with you... to laugh with you... to cry with you.  I saw your boss yesterday on the road working with Ada Fire department.  And I made sure Audi and I waved.  I went to grab my phone and text you... but I stopped mid grab...  I saw your buddy/co worker Cody driving and Audi saw the Woods work truck first and said Mommy make sure you wave!!  I was gonna text you this morning...   Hell I am always in mid grab for my phone to text you...  I miss your laugh... the way your eyes crinkled and your eyes got jet black when you were happy and up to no good.   I die constantly inside when I think that my future and Audis future is without you....

There's no words in the Webster dictionary that could express how much I miss you.  
I would give anything just to sit with you for an hour.  Catch up on life. Talk about how much Audreys changed since you left this earth.
I breathe differently now.  I talk with sadness in my voice.  I laugh with a little bit of heartache constantly.  But when I cry.... I stop.  I have a wall I hit every time I'm ready to release the flood gates.  I have so much anger built up inside me.  Why you?? Why is my future gonna be without you.  Why does Audrey have to go to her first day of kindergarten with out you?  When will I understand your not ever coming back.  Why do I cope with all this with humor.  Why can't I just scream and let it all out??  You will always be my first love.  And you will always be Audreys hero.  
I miss you Maynard.

Why not me that gets the sweet loving looks from people instead of the sad I feel bad for you looks.
Why not just see me and not look through me.
Why not notice that my broken heart is shattered
Why not understand that he left me....
Why not know that I don't reach out to people a lot.
Why not realize that my WHOLE world has drastically changed.
Why not call me or text me first.
Why not just let me be mad or ****** or sad.
Why not hear the pain in my voice when you ask all your questions....

I'm the back up
I am the back up I am the one people called when they have plans fall through I am the one that people call whenever they need to cry on though I am the one that people don't really want to hang out with I am the one the people text because there's nobody else to text on the one people don't really want to be with out in public I'm the one that nobody really  runs with I'm the one that is just here trying to breathe  i'm not looking for sympathy and I'm not looking for fake friends I just want a friend that's going to be there... and stay...

I'm sick of all this bull... I'm sick of trying to be strong. I'm sick of being the strong one.  I'm sick of being sad.  I'm sick of acting like I'm ok.  I'm sick of the sad looks I get:  I'm sick of life in general.  I'm so so sick of people saying he would never had left Audi.  What the hell I know that but what about me?? Yes I'm being selfish...  What the hell about me.... I was with Maynard for over 12 years... he was my rock, my world my everything.  I'm just so tired of everything.

I might not have ever scaled the highest mountain
Or fed bears in the woods
Or even sky dived
But I have loved and
I have been striped down to what you see before you right now
I am completely broken
I am numb
And I am begging someone to take this hurt away from me
I pray my daughter never knows how her daddy died
Sure one day I'll have to explain it to her
The sad story of how the love of our life left this earth w his wings
But until then I have to paste a smile on my face and sparkles in my eyes
Bc she knows something's not right
And I never want her to blame herself
I am the one that will be blaming myself til the end of time.

Your smile makes my mind blank.
Never thought this feeling would ever be real.
I've become alive once again.
You brought a light into my cold heart.
Thank you for seeing what I always hope people would see.
You can't save me and I can't save you
But we can help each other by constantly praying for one another.  
I believe that you compliment me and I compliment you.
I will try not to look so deep into the words you say.  
Reading between the lines it's what I've been taught.
I know I can't make you pay for the past I was dealt.
But never once thought you would want to stay and be part of my future.

Here I am sitting in my house completely empty...
So many memories going through my mind and my heart.
Never thought it would end like this.
I miss everything.  
I miss the laughter in this house and my heart.
I miss driving up my drive way and seeing your blue Dodge sitting in the yard.
I miss the sparkle in my daughters eyes when she would see you.
I miss my heart from being broken
I miss my life...

I need you
I can't do this without you
Why did you leave me like this
I'm so lonely and numb
You are the other half of my soul
And now I'm empty
I am so mad at you
I love you so much
I'm lost so lost
I miss the little smiles
Even the jokes you would play
Why did you have to leave