saudad (n)-- 1. knowing that
coffee and cigarettes
will never smell
quite as good as they
did on you

2. hearing your name over and
over again, then suddenly,
not at all, because even i am
too scared to whisper it
to the dark

3. watching you fade before
you're even gone; if you ever come
back home, you won't be the man
you were one year ago.

you think nobody's been
listening, but i always
did

He wanted to write
as a way of expression
and rejection
a stage to vent
everything which threatened
his tranquil, lazy life,
he was fine going unknown,
hungry,
broke,
broken,
a man watching from the shadows
looking for somebody worthwhile
somebody he could talk to
and enjoy looking at
maybe he was unrealistic
maybe was one huge *******,
a typical womanizer,
just another guy,
but he wanted to write,
he wanted to write about her

days like this, i want to
apologize to the sky
for not thanking it
every time it rains--

(too often i got
distracted by the way
your heartbeat sounds
alongside a storm

or how your eyes
become cloudy
like it is
outside

or your smile
you can't contain
when lightning strikes
and turns everything
purple)

but you're gone now,
and even still
i feel butterflies in my
stomach
every time it pours.

i wish i knew then
i didn't need you
to make things beautiful

yesterday a bird sat down on the power line
just outside my house-
he clamped his beak on the
wire and twisted and pulled until it
snapped in half.
he touched the broken line to
the one underneath it
until sparks flew and he
smoked,
               fell
                     to
                         the
                               ground
                                             .

his body was too mangled
to identify what kind of
bird he was
but experts say he was most likely
one of the two
endangered monsters that
swam in the pond behind the oaks.

i wonder if the remaining will
**** himself next.

hold me*
        he asked,

(but my hands
     were too
    full)

(could you feel it too?
each last part of me,
poured into the smile
i handed over to you.
because i don't know how
to speak around you,
so i figured everything else
would just have to do.)

to tell you the honest truth,
i'd give anything to sit
and be quiet with you.