If I thought that we would crash and burn
faster
than he and I
There is nothing that would stop me from walking away.
Finding myself in you
So that I may go on forever knowing.
Bemusement be ******.
You see,
I owe it to everyone involved
to see this to the very end.
To see this to the wreckage.
through the turmoil
and dismay
until we find ourselves in
deadlock.
Our own
inferno of fulfillment.
Ultimately
I will be with you.
Without being animated by old knots.
Damage undone.
Relentlessly
loving.


Present tense.
To have you,
however I may have you,
I am at ease.

Bottle in hand
Drowning the indifference
Feeling the life
Sinking and crying,
we are born.
New light, you see?
Do you feel?
At the alters we kneel and
we are whole again.
Holes emptied and filled in.

Throw it in the trash.
Throw it against the wall
and release
it
all.
Here we are again.
Better this time and born to make pristine chapels
at the feet of Mary.
Blood to wine
Water to *****
And
we
are
all
strangers.

Gurgling strangers set apart to form a perfect storm.
Chaos ensues
we go blind
as we
feel our way through the darkness.
Through the broken window pains
we see
we cut our hands
on our own souls
pity falls with the trickling stream of tears.
Wash the carcass in blood and
Take it back.
The empathy
sympathetic smiles
hushed forgiveness
mulling over
all of the insanity.

This chaos.
This
is
MY
frenzy.
Douse it in holy water
find redemption
do it again.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Crumbs of putrid
distaste.
Eons of love.
"Clean up the pieces and ask no questions."


****

Do you hear me now?

He was a beautiful person.
The room lit up when he entered it.
He was a beautiful person.
My world got darker when he left it.

Groping prostitutes
Violating hearts
and nothing is sacred
and nothing is valid.
Honesty overrated
Love bludgeoned by the masses.
irrational distaste bleeds from the pores.
Spores spawning sores.
Returning blind.
returning.
Leaving
Returning.


What did she tell you?
"You didn't pay me enough."

3
2
1
Fry
Fry
Laugh
Fry
Survive
Don't get eaten.
Gluttons.
It will always be us,
Home.
Glory
Merciless
Merciful.
This is our circle,
Crinkle cut & deep fried.
Waffle cut
Curly
& Seasoned.
Get the ketchup
& Drown our starch.
We are crispy.
We are family.
We are fries...
& This is our box.

And so here we are
****** and pillaging old memories.
Carving turkeys and making half families.
Death takes the other half and makes it whole.
Fake "how do you do's?" make the world a bigger place.
"Traditions, Family, Food, Smiles"
we wipe our feet on these half truths
and tuck them into bed
carrying, now, a fully packed suitcase
and trying to stuff a 10lb turkey in it.

Things will never be the same
Things will never BE THE SAME.

Naked,
Lonely,
Ugly,
Forgotten.
Beautiful mess.
Don't you see me?
Here. Touch me there, can't you feel me?
Here are my lips, kiss me.
Here is my ***, grab me!
Here is my scent, breathe ME.
Don't you want me as I am?
Hit me, grab me, pinch me, stab me,
**** me, hug me, as long as you see me.
I'll take it all away if you'll let me.
I'M SCREAMING NOW. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Here is me waiting,
Wanting
Hoping
Loving...
Just breathe.
Listen. He's silent. His hands don't feel.
His eyes don't see me, and my words have deafened him.
I'd be better if you'd allow. Let me show you.
**** me on the floor and leave me here folding in on myself.
Too rough.
There's nothing left of me now.

Lay your world at my feet.
Only then can we climb all of the little successes
Leading us to the bigger picture.
At worst a graveyard of memories and futures never had.
Of mewling infants
Lost treasures
Sleepless nights.
What say you now, little man?
All that was to be said has been said?
Oh yes, you were the sand I was trying to hold.


Hanging
Hanging
Hanging
Drink
Drank
Drunk

So here I sit at the bar,
Draped in smoke
Killing the liver, I drink more.
**** hearts and rings
**** fake smiles and laughter.
All I want is to be cloaked in you.
Bury
Myself
In
Your
Smile
So I sit.

It is then when the madness fades
when I sit silent for too long,
that all of the pain,
the abuse,
loss,
lonliness of never being truly loved
leaks from my eyes.
Moistened cheeks burn red with humility
for ever being such a fool.
Toothless fool with no bite.
Loveless fool with no safe place
other than
a bottomless bottle.
This is why I am chaos.

Shhh they'll hear us.
They musn't listen to our whispers..
Our silent screams of yearning..
of understanding..
Uneasy?
Yes.
Nervous?
Yes.
Scared?
YES.
Shhh! I told you I know not all the rules to this game, but I am trying to play fair.
Rather be hurt than hurt. Remeber that?
What of that?
"Well" you are saying.. "run to me" ...you beckon..
Tempted. I started on my way..
Torn. I stopped abruptly.
Turned... and then...
A glance back.. NO!
Just keep walking away and don't look back.
Walk?
  No..
Run. Straight ahead..
into the dead of night
to the warmest arms you've ever had with the coldest emotion.

At once all is still.. silent.. breathless..
Safe.
Yes safe..
Sadly comfortably safe.
Just smile.

up all night, we sleep all day.
this is all but child's play.
it's not easy,  two be one,
singing singing, song is sung.
laughing laughing until we cry,
kissing kissing as we sigh.
"The lights are blinding," so I say.
You turn them off they go away.
It won't stop the sun from shining
With it comes another day.
Kissing hugging, two are one.
Sleeping sleeping, rising sun.

My thoughts speed up as my heart slows down
The echos still ring loudly.
The children running round and round
All the mothers smile proudly.

In the shadows lingers horrible things
Of these there is no stopping.

The fathers leave for work, the kids to school,
and the mothers all go shopping..

Each doing their own thing
not a one of them are expecting.
That beaten soul that cries out from the shadows
To each one of them it's beckoning.

"Come to me"
It hollers out in a safe and care free tone.
Searching for the only solitude
this soul has ever known.
So they follow, time and again
finding a friend in this dark wanderer.
But it's never long before the numbers multiply,
and along comes another squander.

How perilous the acts of these grave souls
as they waste their lives away..
If they had resisted temptation and found solitude in themselves
they never would have gone astray..

I keep my feet in shallow waters.. grounded.. for fear of drowning.
He swims out with nothing to tie him down nor to keep him afloat.. doing only as he pleases uncaring of consequence.. seemingly fearless..
Seemingly..

I probably should have followed. Each of us learning something from the other.. an adventure and escape from the world's unjust doings.
But instead I stayed.. stuck. Tied.  happy in my oblivion.
I watched my stranger swim into the darkness.. perhaps back to his clandestine island in the Gulf somewhere.. back to his mistress.
I stand with a restriction of my own now and a cloak and dagger to protect me from the darkness and save me from drowning.
Fare well, Stranger...
Hello, sound lover.

Laughter
Questions
Answers
Apologies.
We knew of these too well..
Understanding
Confusion
Congestion
Control
...Apologies.
G­uilt
Panic
Love?
Lust
Too Strong!
APOLOGIES
TRUTH!
The picture is coming
The gears are turning
The mind is racing
The nose is smelling
The fingers are sensing
The skin is tingling
STOP!
My mind needs sleep
My heart? Dreaming
Your eyes? Seeing
My soul? Clinging
Apologies...
We ARE so sorry,
Love?
Lust?
Panic
Chaos
Apologies.
Too much
Too soon
Too far gone
Too long..
Goodnight.
Apologies.

All is violent, all is bright.
Miracles of life dying in hindsight..
Life's many mysteries hidden in plain view
and I am left blind and happily unaware.
If we are all sinners, then we must, too, be saints.
Creek flowing rapidly and I am but a trickle.
Single depository,
making milk
and
depleting life's resources.
We are all friends,
We are all friends.
Enemies of enemies.
Empty promises
and glasses full of regret.
Contracts signed in blood & feces.
All is violent
All is bright.
All is violent.
All is bright.

As a child the world is beautiful and everything in it,
delicious.
So there we are laughing at cartoons,
chasing butterfly kisses in the wind,
and crying about how "Billy said I couldn't ride his bike because I have blonde hair!"
You have your own bike which makes little to no difference.
Kids are cruel.
Rebel.
"*******, Billy! I've got my own bike!"
Years pass.
We grow and come face to face with reality.
The world is named Billy.  
Billy gnashes his black,
tar covered,
teeth.
Nostrils fill with his nicotine masked morning breath as he's kicking your ***.
You're awake now,
face down on a park bench burying your own ***** in the dew drenched sand at 10 a.m.
You rip apart at the seams
The wounds of time open in your brain
And you are no longer satisfied.
The ***** you drank to drown your pain becomes you.
A manifestation of time,
age,
and bittersweet friendships
forgotten or vanquished by Billy are forefront in your mind.
Time has consumed you.
Billy has swallowed you whole.
Living has never become more important than when life is threatening to abandon you.
Time is up.
Your savior demolished you.
Liver shriveled,
heart black,
brain dead,
and soul less.
Killed at the bottom of a bottle and crawling
NO!
begging for forgiveness.
Reality strikes.
You once again remember your need for Billy.
Billy, that bad *** with his two chrome wheels and distaste for blondes.
Loathing his existence.
The smell of Billy ever present as the sweet taste of life drains from your tongue.
Slipping has never been more difficult.
Drawing a last breath of bitter air into your lungs as you whisper
"*******, Billy. I have my own bike."

Sharks and birds feeding eachother.
Swimming in circles.
Frantic flight.
Graceful thrashing.
Blood fills salty pools
diluted oceans
Epiphaneia.
After a storm comes a calm.
End frenzy.
                                 And we are all empty again.
                                               And we are all soiled again.
                                                          ­     We. Are. All. HUNGRY. again.
Repeat
Repeat
Second guess
THEN....
repeat.

Your words fill a void.
    Your body, a space.
    No they were not mine for the taking. For the filling.
    Stolen
    No honor amongst thieves.
    I am one.
    Loving your words
    I drink them, absorb them, dissect them. No negligence.
    I'm soaked in them.Choke on them
    And they are no more.
    Disappearing literacy not meant for the masses
    But for her.
    To be her.
    To have words for me. A smile for me. A disgust for me.
    As long as it was for me.
    Selfishness created from your selflessness.
    You are no saint and I will still elevate you high above the regurgitated ooze.
    Belong to no one, no posession.
    Be you
    Be me
    Be us.
    Not love. Not lust.
    An inbetween space.
    Understanding?
    Longing for the same reasoning
    Yet never finding it in eachother.
    Have you words for that?
    Paint a picture with that drab meaningless ink & I'll fill it in with damp, dark color.
    I know you.
    I accept you.
    Keep you.
    Give a little?
    Fill me?
    No more words. Not mine.

Mindless drones gather together to defend their rights.
Fetus growing in a mother's womb, fighting for it's life.
Here I am laying in pools of my own ***** matter,
regurgitated words resting at my feet. Dribble Drabble.
"Yuck"
I know.
My eyes are open now to the world as a whole.
Like a newborn infant seeing the world in color for the first time.
Pity. Now he suffers the chance for the inevitable loss.
You? You gave me this.
I? I will not give gratitude to you, fowl creature, for something I hadn't the chance to refuse.
Now I see the trash meet the man made pools of pollution
The garbage piling, PILING,
The roads winding, WINDING,
THE LIGHTS BLINDING,
THE TURTLES DYING,
and your face binding.
Oh, I HAVE played my own hand in this.....
... I *****.
Never thought I'd wish so strongly to be blind..

I'll be awake for quite some time, trying to put into words..
             I live
                     and I play
in this selfish game, but I don't know all the rules..
    My soul sleeps while it yearns.
                                      My eyes water though they burn
But still I have a hard time waking..
My wide open mind begs for peace.
                                   Please somebody!!... my soul is shaking...

Pound of flesh
for an ounce of freedom.
Somehow this all seems so unredeeming.
Give back
Give a little.
Not enough.
Give a lot.
Not enough.
"Give yourself so that I may take."
Give myself.
Too much.
Another pound of ****** flesh splatters on the table
Still you sit emotionless.
Express
Regress
Expose
Impose.
Take my flesh,
Bleed me dry,
Skin me whole.
Devour my soul.
Walk away.
****** mess.

Mascara stained cheeks bleed red
Sting of fingers across flesh And I go numb.
Old scars come to surface under fluorescent light
Use them as a map to find your own way out
While my heart pours out in bed
Muffled sobs escape.
Retreat and beg for mercy.
Liquor fueled this fight
And love propels it
As tarnished souls exchange blows
Love is war.
A fair fight.
I'm back at the beginning
Starting over more achy than ever
My will is tired
And my spirit has left me now.
Sleeping babes. be kind. She knows not what she does.
The world has been cruel And her teachers unjust.
                                                       The tears welcome her.
                                                               Your scent on the blankets
                                              It comforts her.

She left her soul behind as she watched the last sight of hope walk into the sunrise.

Eyes close drifting to the only peace to be found.
Awaken to the disappearance and all is mended.
"The downside is reality."
God holds no weight in this world,
And they always finish more tired than they began.

Will you know?
              Will you ever know,
How incredibly beautiful I think you are?
                      The most perfectly sculpted features
Made of cold, smoothe, marble,
           and smoke, and *****.
The world melted you, forming the most beautiful indifference.
For someone with such a voice, you never use it.

The words escape me
My mind circles in on itself.
Faster faster.
Here we are, looking deeper.
Still searching for some significant meaning.
Making mountains out of mole hills,
Sculpting happiness in the bile and muck.
It is man made from feces and mud but it is ours.
Possession is important.
Happiness is overrated.
Looking to connect the dots on pieces of paper and complaining when it goes wrong.
Wondering which turn would have taken you to the bigger pile of ****.
Never satisfied.
You as usual.