I know I'm not the daughter you always dreamed I would be
but ******* you could have
tried to love whoever
I became
you could have
     tried.

I know I'm not the girlfriend I should be for you
but ******* I have to I
love you so much
I gotta change
I have to
     try.

I shouldn't have asked him to be calm
without fail he's on a trip
drink clenched in his hand
teetering
  anticipation
  take out a cigarette
he starts furiously
  I don't have to think
  eyes shut tight
    left lying broken
      so often
  middle of the floor
  just like the Christmas toys

he's promising he will settle down
he's vowing he won't touch me again
  there's no need to answer
it's too late now to make it over again;
it's shattered
smashed beyond repair

when you see a man
there's something about them that
                                makes
                                you
                                 stop
as if he is
life's greatest challenge
to figure out

he's not

I was a loaded gun
wept all day
listened to music, wide awake, all night
frustrated, unstable
the family Problem
not understanding
the sensations I was experiencing
innocent
                 (not anymore)
of knowing
just how long you fall
before you see the rocky bottom

he is well aware others don't approve
& he only hides it because of this
it certainly doesn't affect him
I've seen
in the empty, greedy eyes
the proud look
of what his old plaything
grew up
  --oh, did she ever grow up--
to be
checking me out
when he thinks
I can't see
& sometimes
when he knows
I can.

You were Someone
I should have written in My memory books
  with pencil--
to be easily erased later.

Instead,
I carved your Name
  into the wood-workings of My Being,
to serve as a reminder
of My Mistakes.

blue & red lights
sterile white
will you make me feel alright?

lilting. my world is tilting overward & back. I've been folding myself, twisting & turning my skin; packing me away, as organized as always. I label everything I see & document it elsewhere, then put the note in the bottle, seal it, select a spot on the wine rack. don't give me uppers; you know I'm not that kinda girl. you know I like to sink, not drift with the clouds. You know that when I feel I've died, I just want to find myself a nice place to rest my bones. preferably quicksand, or a pile of freshly overturned dirt; give me anything to help me bury myself alive. I'm just the only person I can trust to lay me down soft.

I don't remember why I'm ****** up, but I know Who it was & somewhat of the things he did to my mother. My father only told me in order to premonish, to put a parental advisory sticker on my censored memories. I'm afraid of the monsters I don't see, lurking in the corners of me. I have a glimpse into the perversions of the world; a look into the mind of an Entitled Man, who thinks he had the Right to take what others don't have the ***** to admit they like

stand run fly falter fall
again

my love
we were alone.

but I'll admit
I'm trying to
set him on fire.


He
strolled on
but
he was looking at me.

hanging from a peg on my wall
the shadow of a cross
featuring the shadow of a man
who was never there for me after all.

she was my everything
& I wasn't good enough
she haunted my thoughts
as if my mind
had always been hers
& she had just returned
from a long trip
to find her house
filled
with someone else's belongings
But
he is the air I breathe in
I find his fingerprints
on everything I own
though
I know
he has never touched them

you always loved me
behind closed doors
you stole what was
to be embraced in me.
the damage was done long ago
you left me to reap what you have sewn.

she was a tiny little thing
soft thin lips
pale eyes that cut through
my ******* facades
recognizing me inside
because I looked just like her.
the baby with brewing thoughts
mothered everyone else
because she didn't know
how to take care of herself.

I was happy for the winner
though I hoped
I could cheat my way
out of second place.

I'm your stupid ******* sweetheart
& I lie in bed
not falling asleep
so I think of you
in between
failing not to think about
how much I want to tear
my skin open
over &
over &
bleed
until the walls are
red for Real
and Not just
In My Head.

all this time
with the people around me
taking everything sacred in my life
it never occurred to me
that I could give myself
reasons to live.

why do i feel dead sometimes?

Every time I hit the ground
I'm surprised.
I keep waiting for someone
to catch me when I fall.

tell me everything you
need to know and i'll
tell you everything you
want to hear

love ******* molly
we roll on the floor; make love.
Us Girls, we swap: fluid.

so much city noise
in the background
something that rarely
well, barely
bothers me anymore

i laugh after i cry;
i sink before i fly.

i didn't Real Eyes
i live so many illusions,
the many ways i crawl.

I don't think
he knows that
I have a habit.