you always loved me
behind closed doors
you stole what was
to be embraced in me.
the damage was done long ago
you left me to reap what you have sewn.

I was a loaded gun
wept all day
listened to music, wide awake, all night
frustrated, unstable
the family Problem
not understanding
the sensations I was experiencing
innocent
                 (not anymore)
of knowing
just how long you fall
before you see the rocky bottom

I don't remember why I'm ****** up, but I know Who it was & somewhat of the things he did to my mother. My father only told me in order to premonish, to put a parental advisory sticker on my censored memories. I'm afraid of the monsters I don't see, lurking in the corners of me. I have a glimpse into the perversions of the world; a look into the mind of an Entitled Man, who thinks he had the Right to take what others don't have the ***** to admit they like

plastic dreams & magic hearts
propelled into my subconscious
& I framed them.
lost myself compulsively
in the pages of everything I could
lay my hands on
   --sweet escape
     only comatose--
daydreamt often
visions of being fantastical
                        amazing
             standing on desks & screaming
                empowered
                     dominant
                    noticed

I dyed her world red
burned her every field
trapped her in a
cathedral of fire
heaven's sight eclipsed by the smoke

she threw a tarp over my moon
my only nightlight
sudden fog
a charcoal cloud that fell on me
crushed & held me there
suffocating until I submitted
stopped resisting
uncovered my mouth
filled my lungs
a subdued sigh escaped as I exhaled

I walked slowly back
I extended half a cigarette
my peace offering
Priestless, we made our vows.

& when I am at war
have committed
violent hate crimes
in my own country
he doesn't tell me what I already know
doesn't point out all the flaws he sees in me
(in case I missed some) he says
please
can i see the damage
he wants to take me in
envelop me
give me a new skin
made entirely of
silk he's spun &
seal it to me
with the heat of every kiss.

& though I am sinking
in my own cerulean depths
I still feel
the red string
tug at my smallest finger
I've been hit
rocked to the core
a wave of safety surges
despite my tsunami
my underwater earthquakes
just knowing
his little finger
will still be tied to mine
whenever I resurface.

this is the day I will not
apologize to myself for living.
well, thriving.
well,
being.

dogs are tame, meek
until the conversion
by the pure blood,
the undisturbed
undistilled taste
of a son
fresh killed.
after, the pet is
forever enamored
with bloodlust.

this is the day I'm standing
coffee in hand
waiting
for the tremors the all over shakes
the screams the curses
the balled up fists. teeth
sharpen themselves for my body
natural & automatic
as pupils dilating
adjusting to new circumstances
while I pace the floor
spiraling inside
unconscious of the change in myself;
the personal exorcism.

I'm surrounded by a halo of
good intentions.
I am a daughter of Cain,
born bad to the marrow.
Listen to me dog, before you start to whine.
That side's yours;
this side Mine.