I was young, once
I went out and I
Swam
The water coated me
And I felt free
But I grew up,
And grew fond in new liquids-
Codeine and Whiskey

I was drunk, once;
I stole my parent's liquor
And hid
In my closet
I felt brand new;
It wore off,
And I cut my wrists...
Again

I was scarred, once
(And I still am)-
From razorblades and bad boys
But it was never enough-
So I tried the sticky green,
And felt at peace
In my own smokey clouds;
I was dazed

I was high, once.
And then I met the queen-
She was an ******!
I shot her through my veins,
And she swam
And made me *****
And addict...
I went swimming,
            and I drowned.

You never expect your first kiss,
And you never forget your last.

Our first and last was the same-
You held me; I sat on your lap
On that movie theater seat
As a horror film played

I felt your touch,
And tasted your lips

But now all I taste
                            is
                            pain

often, i let my mind wander off
unto thoughts of you, and your moustache
tickling me beneath the mistletoe-
smoke lingering, your fingertips ridden with ash,
and you kiss me and pull me in,
closer
closer
closer
until the miles distancing us
become nothing but a mere illusion

i imagine the scent of your pillow,
and the warmth of your blankets,
i am in a frenzy for your love
that will never dance across my skin
and tickle my sides,
with laughter and white lines
(healed, healed, healed)

you'd drift off to sleep,
and i'd lie awake and memorize
the exact locations of your freckles
and i'd trace your scars with shaking fingertips;
my aching legs would carry me,
to make toast
in the early hours of dawn,
to eat and wash down with water,
and keep it down, down, down
and let the numbers go

i'd drop every blade,
every bad habit,
as i walked to you,
even though i know
you'd never shame me

there are reasons behind the worry,
and tears behind these rivers,
but i'd walk three-thousand miles,
if only i could
             save
             you

our minds’ shared
landscape
could be –

emotionally we
inhabit a hollow space and fill
it gradually with affection and

doubt.

i pull a cord of thought and it slides
against my tongue; i pull on the strings
making spider webs between his ribs.
our tethers grow but
the context dries and dulls.

our mouths are ******, so
we spill nervously
we cough red laughter.

nothing’s finite and reality is perfect,

but
the physically interactive
is tiny and
rigid
and cleansing itself of fantasy.
i imagine everything; he
accepts my ideas. ideas
that pile up at our
feet in spirals.
(there must be many realities where he
loves me with red-blooded
caution.)

each tiny choice, each delicate
gesture,
is a canal leading back to
here, transformed.
becoming more strange,
stimulating my dulled senses.

his chest heaves, we share
in an unraveling process.
the weight of significance is the
gravity keeping me
present
mentally.

between us, the
air is dusty. red coughs are dried
out and tortured.
my mouth is pulled
down naturally;
his rises. a change of heart,
the landscape blooms green and
my thoughts are happy snakes
in foliage.
my grin bleeds openly
as i laugh, out loud, with
him –
our universe is a soft space we
fill with
laughter.

i can't forget you
you make it seemingly impossible
with the sudden replies
and pop up visits.
"your scars have faded"
you remark
unaware of how those lips
that forms those words from your liar's mouth
can't be true
because if you looked closely
you would see the new scars
forming on my no longer sacred flesh.
and there are certain things
that i can no longer hide
such as those dark monsters lurking in my closet
and how sometimes i just wish
they'd take me with them when they leave.

I'm shooting people again
And ignoring your texts
Staring into an alternate reality
Trying to forget

I don't even ******* like this game

I took 3 Aspirins
I said I was hurting
A pathetic excuse for trying to numb my thoughts
It didn't work