The weather was quite lovely today. It reminded me of you. And I have not a clue why it had done so.
Because you are not lovely…not on the inside anyways. You are dark and twisted, a black hole of self obsession where you had lost yourself. I almost ended the same when I tried in vain to save you.
This whole relationship was in vain. We both knew it wouldn't last. Warning myself, I decided not to become attached. But you latched on like a leech, a parasite draining every ounce that I had, drip by drip. Tainted, I was dependent on you. That gave you satisfaction. Watching me reach in desperation as you walked away. Seeing me phased and confused as to what had caused this disruption in this seemingly happy facade.
And I fought for you. Through blinded eyes and bleeding hands, I gave my all when you gave me nothing. You watched in pleasure of knowing what a valued treasure you were to me. What you are to me. Things I had done are things I will still do.
It's not because I loved you.
It's because I love you.

You never gave a ****, did you? You pompous, self pitying parasite. You asked me if I trusted you and I truthfully answered 'yes' and you took that yes, oh you took it as a confirmation to do what ever the hell your needy, twisted brain desired. I trusted you to stay around. To respect me and stand by me. To not randomly disappear out of my life without hesitation.
I gave you my heart. I became that stupid girl that actually loved someone. That grew attached to someone. And naturally, it turned around and slapped me across the face. I idolized you. A grand mistake, and yet I could not avoid it.

Happiness, you liar!
Hope, you thief!
Wasting away my thoughts
And my time.

I could run miles and miles
Feet gushing blood
In pursuit of you, Happiness,
Never within reach.

As Hope whispers in my ear
Painting a world that is not there.
Building me up
Only to be blindsided by reality.

They team up,
Taunting me.
So naïve
For ever believing them.

The world can keep its happiness
And silence its hope.
I don’t desire either one.
Thoughts built on delusion.

If I never climb,
I will never fall.
And sometimes,
That seems best.

I'm going to be that lame person that asks you to follow their Tumblr.

so here ya go: http://typewriterbleeding.tumblr.com
please and thank you xoxo

I remember Mondays in Coach Mac's class. How I loathed yet loved this occurrence. During the period of poetry, each student was asked to write one of their own and read them aloud in class. To write your feelings, your thoughts, onto lined paper and stand in class constructed spot light, asked to peel the skin off of your body to display.

Others mastered the art of avoidance. Of detachment. They often wrote about how fall was coming or an ode to another classmate. But I was never good at running. So I wrote. Not of happiness because he is a stranger to me. I wrote of what I've known for the past five years of my life.

They told me I had talent. And each Monday they anticipated the moment that I would stand up and read.

They wanted to hear my words. They wanted to know the hopelessness of depression and the consuming sadness that I have only known. They hung on to every syllable of my heartbreak and every stroke of ink of my depression. They wanted to know. They wanted to hear. They held on because I wrote words that discomforts, subjects tucked under the rug. I wrote about the raw experiences they themselves could not verbalize. Yet they were familiar.

They wanted the words from someone else's mouth.

They fell in love with my depression but they never wanted to help.

Please forgive me for my lack of meter and form of a paragraph. Let me take you to a day in my life, of what was supposed to be the conclusion, on February 9th, 2013. I was on the floor of my bedroom, the cold wood no match for my fevering body. My hollow gaze melting into the green walls, the picture collages of magazine cutouts I spent whole weekends arranging. There were no tears. No feelings beside this hungry ache of emptiness. The clenching grip of depression enclosed around my ribcage.

There were no tears because my mind was made up.

I drew the razor blade  across the fair delicate skin on my wrist, perpendicular. I just wanted to feel something. One. Two more times, crimson paint flowing down my arm, onto the wooden floors. Steady stream, throbbing pain.

It wasn't until my head was light and vision blurry that I noticed my mistake. I cut too deep. But there were no tears. No feelings. Besides acceptance that my time has come. I slowly closed my eyes involuntarily, giving into the soft waves.

Feeling the grip loosen.

He told me:
If you want to cut yourself,
then you're going to have to take my arm,
look me in the eyes,
and cut as many times as you would yourself.
I told him:
I couldn't hurt you like that.
and then I understood.
everything.

people say they are in love
when they stand awkwardly next to each other
unsure of the thought of touching the other's skin.
shift uncomfortably in silence
never daring to meet eyes
or risk blush.
yet they last.
and it's so unfair
because she doesn't know that every time
he listens to oasis he thinks of her
and he doesn't know that for that
she smiles at the sound of wonderwall.
she doesn't know that every time
he bites the inside of his cheek
he is facing the demons
that have stalked him his entire life.
and he doesn't know that
when she scratches the scars
on her left wrist
she is overwhelmingly nervous.
she doesn't notice
how he wears long sleeves everyday
just to cover up the scars
on the inside of his elbows.
and he never bothered
to kiss the angry gashes
she inflicted out of hate
of herself.
she has never taken the time
to watch how his face
crinkles around his grin
and around his blue eyes.
and he never minded
the way she ground her teeth
when she was frustrated.
she never fell in love with
how soft his hair was
and how it curled at the ends.
he never traced his fingers
across the crushed velvet
cheek as he looked into
her blue and yellow eyes.

and yet we never made it.

i cannot seem to comprehend...
a loss for words every time i begin
choking and cracking
welling of eyes
shaking, the uncontrollable
wail that was caught in my throat
no longer could hold.
confusion. dumbfounded. phased.
what went wrong
what went wrong
cause this was not meant to be.
we were love.
we were the ones that deserved to make it.
it's unfair
no one looks at another person
the way i look at you.
no one hold another's body
the way that you do.
please.
you are a part of me.
you are my identity
and i don't know what to do.
i cannot think of beautiful words
because i cannot think at all.

i can't even be creative anymore.
i am unable of describing this feeling
that grabs ahold of my chest and clenches
squeezing the life right out of me.

but at this point
that would be too merciful.

bruises under my eyes
scars on my wrist
weights on my feet.

unbearably difficult
to function normally
as if i know what normal is.

i relived your death
your funeral
every single day.

i've dreamt of your face
to be harshly woken
by cold reality.

i visit your grave
every single day.

relive the day
that you went away.

i wasn't the reason to make you stay
no matter how much i want to be
drag your life out one more day
i knew it was quite selfish of me.

yet i asked and i begged
promises fall deaf on your ears
with you gone i would be dead
no meaning in carrying out years.

you were afraid to meet my eyes
to give yourself away
of your plan that underlies
that stone expressioned face.

but your plan would soon unfold
soon that i found out
when almost a month ago
i found your body on the ground.

the needle in your hand
right where it belongs
your one and only friend
that stalked you all along.

this pain does not go away
and i'm afraid i'm on the verge of tears
but i've always been this way
now that you're not here.

they tell me i'll soon heal
and life will continue to go on
but this agony i have to deal
will simply never be gone.

and you did this.
you single handily murdered me.
and I can't forgive you.

So here I am, drunk out of my ****** mind, legs wobbling like a fawn just learning to walk. I can barely slur the words I want to communicate with the nameless guy next to me, seemingly incapable of speech. Yet your name rings loud and clear. Landon. My mind in a foggy haze, trying to collect itself yet there is only one thought that is as stable as my most sober thought. You. You are always there. In my minds most vulnerable state, I always circle back to you. It will always be you. Don't you get it?

I want love
to reach his fingers
around my heart
wretch it
enclose it with passion.

I want love
to knock the breath out of me
beat me black and blue
carving me out
til I am empty inside.

I want love
to get up in my face
look me in the eye
tell me the truth
in every way.

I want love
to twist his knife
inside of me
look at me lifelessly
and leave me there to die.

I want love
to turn around one more time
pay respects
to his old friend
and tell her she is free once again.

it seemed like the other day
I snuck into my parents' room
grabbing whatever I could reach.

placing my feet in daddy's ginormous shoes
suit jacket drowning my little frame
but I looked just like him.

longing for the time to arrive
where I would pick up the suitcase
and get behind the wheel.

thirteen years have passed
and I'm still that little girl
playing dress up in her parents' closet.

trying desperately to fit into the adult world
setting down the Barbies
and picking up the suitcase.

Only this time it's not willingly.

Where are you?
But, my dear,
You are in my dreams,
My nightmares.
You are there
Laying in the empty space
On my bed
As I wake up.
You are in the mirror,
My tired, defeated reflection.
Every heavy footstep
Reminds me
Of the many more
I will have to take
Without you next to me.
I see you in the crowd.
Everyone has your face.
Everyone has your voice.
Everyone has your stance.
You are in the words
I write down
Every stroke of ink
In every syllable.
You are in my salty tears
And forced smile.
You are in
The three scars
On my left wrist.
You are there
In my mind
As I close my eyes to sleep.
You are in my hope
That of you I'll dream.
Where are you?
But, my dear,
You are everywhere.
You are my existence.
You are life itself.

The call came
blindsided, heart stunned
eyes hazy from confusion
or tears.

Your habit caught up to you
needle tainted body
dosed with too much
unable to function.

Death inevitable
and I saw how this would play out
but ****
how it stings.

Never to run fingers
across your skin
brush your lips
with mine.

Blue eyes
no longer mine
light fled
as well in my world.

Guess it turned out
I wasn't a reason to stay
and now you have robbed
me of my most prized.

I already miss you.
agony overcomes
as your memory
slips into the abyss.

At least you're no longer in pain.
My sweetheart.
My darling.
My world.

Your wine-drenched kisses
Turned tangled feet under covers
And cigarette taste

Oh God, they’re coming
Those bloodthirsty hounds.

Tangled roots catch my feet
As I weave through the myriad of trees.

Nowhere to hide.
No shadow for refuge

Where they won’t find me,
Those ******-driven hunters.

Knowing me better than myself
Able to predict every step I take.

Running from them for so long
My feet have grown tired.

Being kept at bay
They have become impatient and strong.

I feel their hot breath on my neck.
I hear the pads of their feet pounding the ground.

I scream out for anyone to help
But my cry falls on deaf ears.

The nasty creatures pin me to the ground,
Stealing the air from my lungs.

Forcing me to look into its cold blue eyes
I feel it overtake me.

Its icy venom seeps into my bones,
Polluting my mind. My soul. My body.

Taking possession.
I feel its stone grasp.

The emotions course through my body,
Flooding the numb temple I had kept.

A silent tear escapes my eye,
That disgusting abomination.

Oh God,
Make it stop.

The number of letters or poems I write to you
Are insignificant.
You’ll never read them.
Never know of their existence.
Yet, for some unexplained reason
I still write them.
Maybe there’s a secret Optimist
Hidden deep within me
That’s still rooting for you.
Hoping that maybe at this moment
You actually are reading this.
That maybe this whole catastrophe
Was just a misunderstanding.
Maybe.
Maybe one day
You’ll look at me the same way you used to.
And maybe you’ll hold my hand again.
The gentle way your hand cradled mine.
Just maybe.
I wrote a song for you,
That some day you might hear it on the radio
As you drive down the dirt roads
In your light blue Mustang that I loved.
Finding it catchy, drumming your fingers
Along to it on the leather steering wheel.
Your head would bob in a rhythmic beat
And maybe, just maybe,
You’ll think of me.
Of what we had.
Of what could have been.
These are the dangerous thoughts of an Optimist.
Scrawled upon a piece of loose notebook paper
In the middle of class.
I hide this Optimist deep within the many layers of myself,
As She takes these thoughts with Her.
Maybe one day, She and those silly ideas
Will be consumed in the surrounding darkness.
It would be better off for Her anyways.
This world is not kind to Optimists.

This house was allowed to stand
For far too long.
Vacated months ago,
It is merely a monument of the past.
A memorial of what has been lost.
Condemned to neglect and termites,
Slowly eating away the skeletal fortress.

Whose intent to be a mighty castle
Withered into a creaking shack.
What we thought to be everlasting
Was unable to hold on till summer.
An allusion that was cruelly not a reality.

Windows busted out.
Siding slowing peeling away.
Leaks in the roof multiply.
The tiny problems we ignored early on
Transformed into halting hazards.

The only company it now holds
Are the ghosts of what has been and what will never come.
As I walk by this abandoned house,
The ghosts call out in mimicking tones,
Painfully reminding me of our past.

And so I burn it down.
Setting fire to everything I had ever known.
The life with you that I was so afraid to leave.
Destroying every tie I had to you.
Killing off every hope of your return.
It is painful. But necessary.
I cry now so I can be happy later.

Breaking up is like ripping off a Band-Aid,
Or so I’ve been told.
But I’ve been deceived
For this feels like an amputation.

Not a skin-deep scratch, oh no.
A gaping wound
Left unnoticed, subject to neglect,
Taking on an infection.

Setting fire,
Climbing its way through my veins,
Consuming me,
Tainting every thought and every action.

And I must stop it
Before it possesses all of me.
With each saw of the blade,
I detach myself from the decaying limb.

Screaming out in pain.
The severed nerves beg me to stop.
But I must continue, to free myself
From the lethal virus that is you.

Though painful,
I know it had to be done.
In order to salvage
As much of myself as possible.

The job finished,
I examine the damage
And smile bitterly to myself.
It had to be done.

Condemned to a limp
Or the reliance of crutches,
I am still stronger
Than I ever was with you.

I stand on my own now.
I am finally my own person,
Free from the venomous parasite.
It had to be done.

Staring at the wall,
The textured, bright green painted wall.

Listening to every breath I take,
As if they belonged to another.

So much effort, so much work
To lift my ribcage,

To claim air into my lungs
In the will to live.

Exhaling in shaking rhythms,
As if the deed is painful.

In a way, it is.
By surviving everyday,

More days follow
That I face the ugly mug of reality.

And that’s what pains me.
How the rainbow colored world so vividly painted at an early age

Was a lie.
That sometimes no matter how hard you try,

Bad wins no matter what.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.

So I take refuge in the warm cocoon of blankets,
Staring at my bedroom wall.

Let myself sink into another world
Where silence floods every corner.

Where no one can reach me.
Not even reality.



Closing the doors in the faces of everyone and everything,
Leaving me alone to my empty mind and quiet room.

It seems like my room is the only place left
That reality can’t find me.

So I lay here,
Safe for now.

Turn the mirror closer
So there is nowhere to hide.
No veil of explanation
Just what cruelly meets the eye.
Feeding yourself lies
Day after day
Searching for any way
To alleviate the pain.
Swept under the rug
Hidden from the light
Danced around on toes
But tripped over at night.
Searching for a way out
The easiest of ways
Hoping for the best
And waiting for the day.

But the day never comes
And the numbers pile high
And I’ve been standing all alone
Can’t even say goodbye.

Don’t tell me this is the end
When it never even began.
All I wanted was to have you
But that I never can.

You never wanted love
Just something to fill the hole
Where your heart once beated
Before your soul grew old.

Your eyes circled
With shades of black
From the late nights
Of dealing with your monsters.

Life retreated from those blues
Many years ago.
I watched as the light faded,
Casting a dark shadow over your vision.

Death consumed the soul
You claimed you never had.
Becoming infatuated with the end
Than life itself.

Living for what tomorrow holds,
It wasn’t living at all.
Sensing your absence
Even when you were right in front of me.

You told me there is no God,
That this is all we have:
A cruel world
Crawling with greedy creatures.

People who have judged,
Took you in and threw you out,
Leaving scars and ghosts
That take residence in your mind.

There is no escape for you
Except by the means of a needle.
Apparently chemicals give you
Far more than I ever could.

You retreat into the darkness
The hole you dug yourself
Fleeing from the light.
From the world. From me.

Going through great lengths
I tried to save you.
But you didn’t want to be saved.
And you hated me for that.

The monsters escaped your closet.
No quarantine can save you now.
Because they not only reside in us
But in you as well.

You ask, “What’s the point
To this absurd life we lead?”
Constantly kicked to the ground
But this time, you can’t regain footing.

Exhausted by disappointment
Drained of emotion
You just want to end it all.
It would be easier, right?

You just want to feel loved, desired.
But babe, you are unable to see
How the blanket of intoxication
Blinds you from what’s before your eyes.

You say you hate everyone,
That no one understands.
Then who was I?
I was nothing to you.

I could have chose a simpler path,
Spare me this obnoxious ache.
Intrigued by this dangerous flame,
I was unable to resist.

I came too close,
Now scorched by the fire.
And I am unsure of when
This pain will subside.

With clear vision I can see
How our story will conclude.
Not only destroying yourself,
I will be capsized. I will be the one that loses.

You will end me,
My darling.
Take this knife from my chest
Before it sinks any further.

I’ve tried and I’ve tried.
You kept pushing me away.
So maybe this loneliness that accompanies you
Is more self-inflicted than realized.

I love you, my dear.
And that’s what makes this so difficult.
But I cannot continue searching for
What does not want to be found.

I can’t save you from yourself,
The monster that’s inside of you.
But I realized I can spare me
And I’m afraid that’s what I must do.