I've got a bottle of Fireball.
I've got a bottle of Whipped.
I've got a 12 pack.
I've got three ***** calls on speed dial.
I've got a dealer three floors up.
All my vices.
Everything I could need.

But right now it's dark.
It's so incredibly dark.
It's empty and it's lonely.

So if I used that Fireball,
that Whipped,
that 12 pack,
a *******,
or a blunt from the dealer three floors up,

It could all end.
It could get even more dark.
Even more lonely.
If that is even possible.
Once I go there's no coming back.

All I need is a friend.
I thought I had plenty.
It turns out that I was so wrong.
I'm a convenience.
There when they need me,
but any other time I don't exist.
Not really.

I wish I could say they don't know,
how bad it is.
How bad I am.
But they do.
They're choosing to ignore it.
So are they really friends?
What a simple question with such a haunting answer.

It's taking all my strength.
Everything I have in me.
Not to reach for a bottle.
Not to make an easy phone call.
Not to light up that blunt.
It's taking everything I have to stay here.

When all I want to do,
is reach for that bottle.

sometimes, i stand back.
and i look at myself as a stranger might see me.
and i am forced to realize that maybe i do a little too much.

i take on the problems of everyone around me.
i face their demons as if they were my own.
i make myself responsible for all those who i love.

it's kind of funny in retrospect.
i work so hard to keep everyone alive,
yet i have so little regard for my own life.

like if i disappeared, what would it really matter?
but in truth, if i was gone,
who would take over my role in so many lives?

i cannot ignore pain as most can.
i cannot see you hurt and just walk away,
i am compassionate and i am selfless.

and i believe that it may be killing me.
because not only do i feel my own depression,
i feel the depression of fifteen of my closest friends.

i drown over and over and over again.
today i was okay, every tragedy of everyone i love at bay.
but then it struck again. at the person i value above the rest.

i feel the need to save everyone and anyone.
and i can never and will never accept that i cannot do that.
i will save them all, or die trying.

because i will face your demons,
i will take responsibility for your life,
and i will suffer right next to you.

*because i love you

every year is the same.
all those god ****** resolutions people make.
like one day you're one person,
and you can wake up the next morning and be someone completely different.
all of a sudden you're courageous and motivated.
you have meaning and purpose.
and i call ******* on it all.
for me the new year isn't about making a new me,
it's about improving on the me that already exists.
because this past year, i picked up the pieces of myself.
i put myself back together.
with some elmer's glue and scotch tape.
it wasn't pretty but it happened.
only to watch myself crumble once again.
i fell into a million more pieces than the time before.
each time i collapse, it gets worse.
and it gets harder. but i get stronger.
i never give up. i work my *** off, and pick myself back up.
and that is exactly what i am going to do.
the same me, just new and improved.
an upgraded version, if you will.
because each year that goes by i learn so much more.
i make so many mistakes, and hell i repeat them a few times.
i know, i know, shame on me.
but it takes time. i fall. and i get back up.
and i learn.
so i'm picking myself back up.
Ashley Twenty Point Oh.
i think i'm gonna have to use super glue this time.
maybe some duct tape too.

well i did it, i beat the odds.
***** three years ago by an ex boyfriend more times than anyone can count? that's poor luck.
you would have thought i was all out of miserable circumstances.
you would have thought wrong.
because what are the chances i would feel comfortable enough to open up to someone about my abuse history, and they would take advantage of it?
what are the chances that he would react carefully and perfectly,
seeing his opportunity and taking it like the ******* he is.
so now i have two rapists. two.

i didn't accept it at first, i thought it was cruel joke.
it took a friend to tell me that yes, ashley, you were ***** to open my eyes
i haven't been able to shut them since
it has been two and a half months now
i think i'm only getting worse.

i'm in a downward spiral, i don't know where i am headed but i know it isn't good.

Take me somewhere else.
Somewhere beautiful.
Where this, all of this, is but an insignificant thought,

Take me somewhere that sings.
Somewhere that breathes.

Somewhere with joy.
Somewhere with panda bears on the ceiling,
and a floor of lava.

Take me somewhere else,
take me anywhere else.
Get me away from here.

Make it go away.
Make it all go away.
If only for the night,
if only for one night.

Just one night. With panda bears on the ceiling. And a floor of lava.

Take me somewhere that sings.

why i did it.
why i went and saw him.
everyone asked me,
pleaded with me,
******* screamed at me to not go see him.
but there was something in me.
something that needed to.
something that was not leaving me alone.
and wasn't going to,
until i gave it what it wanted.
so i went there.
i sat on his couch.
i don't know why i did.
maybe i needed to prove something to myself.
that it wasn't love.
that it isn't lust.
that it can't be hatred.
i don't know.
                                                         maybe i just needed to show him.
                                                         that i am okay now.
                                                         that he made the mistake.
                                                        ­ that when he lost me,
                                                         he lost everything.
it's such ******* though,
i'm a ******* disaster.
i didn't let him see that though.
i was strong.
it was kinda nice, for a while.
like old times.
and then i was reminded why it's been so long.
because he ruined me.
he tried to hold me.
i almost puked.
                         so i yelled at him to leave me alone.
he told me i'm beautiful.
he said he loves me,
he misses me,
it's so nice to see me.
what comes next is the best part.
he had the audacity...
he opened his mouth,
and what does he ******* say?
he says,
i'm so sorry i ***** you.
it is my biggest regret.
                                                       ­   like what the **** is that.
                                                          t­hat's going to help?
                                                          l­ike i need some magical healing?
                                                        ­  like you can ******* apologize, and everything is ******* okay?
i didn't look at him again.
i put on my boots.
and my coat.
i grabbed my keys.
and i walked out the door.

lol because really?
i'm sorry i ***** you?
burn in hell, *******.

I named her.
It made her real.
Something I could identify.
Something I could attempt to control.
I call her my midnight friend.
She is a lot more than that.
She is my defender.
She is my goddess.
She lives inside of me.
A part of me, but still completely separate.
I am still working on figuring out what that means.
I know she is stronger than me, fiercer, too.
She has a short temper and a high *** drive.
I keep her on a leash.
She doesn't like it, but she understands.
She is my life warrior. She keeps me going.
Without her I would crumble...

She is happy to have a name now.
We get along better this way.

we don't have to do anything.
we don't have to go anywhere.
we don't have to talk.
we don't have to touch.
you don't even have to look at me.
just sit here with me.
because being around you...
when i am around you i feel whole.
i feel good, i feel alive.
and i know you don't feel for me
like i feel for you.
you don't want only me.
and i understand that.
i've come to terms with that.
just please.
sit here with me.
slow my thoughts and my pain.
because just being around you,
i feel good.
and i could use some good right about now.

i knew it wouldn't last, that it was too good to be true.
the darkness never entirely leaves.
i had one and a half good weeks,
good weeks of me.
i haven't felt so myself in so long.
for one and a half weeks i felt whole.
i had energy and motivation,
i felt like i could lift mountains and solve the world.
i got out of bed in the morning without protest.
and then today happened,
and when my alarm went off i hit snooze.
the darkness is back, and it is swallowing me whole.
i used my time while i had it,
i laughed and i lived,
and now my time has passed and once again i am surviving.
i am struggling to make it through today.
i want more than anything to crawl into my bed,
engulfed in the warmth of my covers,
fall asleep and never wake up.
i am doing everything in my ability to finish today.
i'm scared it isn't going to be enough.
i can feel myself slipping away. i am struggling to hold on..
i knew this would return, it was a matter of time.
but it's hitting me like a truck.
i can feel every part of me deflating,
every ounce of life i had being absorbed by this evil.
your demons can only catch you if you let them.
*mine are catching up.

You asked me
               to stop ignoring the thoughts in my head,
       to start paying attention to myself.

I don't think that you understand
                the chaos that you unleashed.

it's happening again,
that monster is creeping up again.
it never really goes away...
i can try my hardest but it's never possible to outrun who you are..
                                                                                                           not really.
i can be a good girl,
the best there ever was.
the beast can be tamed, it is a proven fact.
it has happened before, it will probably happen again..
                                                               but it isn't right now. not even close.
i have been set free.
it wasn't what i wanted,
but it happened anyways.
                                                                                         and now here i am
too long without the feeling..
the excitement of knowing in that moment they have never
                                                                                      wanted anything more
than they want you right then. right there.
                                       to be touched, to be kissed, to be needed.

my demons refuse to be drowned,
                                                                      they have learned how to swim.
and they are hungry.....

I am feeling like myself.
I am not sure that is a good thing.
I will find a way to get what I want.
I will not care who I hurt getting it.
I am back to myself.
And I want to be touched again.

I have found my soul,
and it resides in a tiny Cessna.
Some people live dream to dream,
Me, I live flight to flight.
Just me, the sky, and my Cessna.
In that seat I feel whole.
Thank you for the journey today dear friend,
I long for you once again.

I will stare at the back of your head.
I could sit here and stare at the back of your head forever.
You're so beautiful, angelic even.
Maybe you don't see it, maybe no one sees it.
                                                             ­                                                                 ­      But I do.

I'm not good enough for you.
And I know you understand that.
Everyone understands that.
I mean, just look at me.
I'm broken, I'm nothing.
And you.. you're an angel.

I just want to know... need to know...
what it's like.
What it's like to be that close to heaven.
You're the only way I could get there.
The only way I want to get there.

Your kiss, your touch, your gaze.
You are my heaven.
I just want to experience you.

I know,
                I just know that you don't ****.
I'd bet everything that you love.
I just want to know what it's like.
Just one time.
Just once, let me *** with heaven.
                                                         ­                                               Just once.

It's all I ask.
I want you, I need you.
So badly.
I need to scream. I need to cry.
I need you.

                                                           ­                                                                 ­                  Don't make me beg.

I am with you.
I am here,
I am breathing,
I am fighting,
I am surviving,
and I am living.
For the first time in my life,
I am alive.
I am not going anywhere.

it's going to be a big house.
not too big though,
i don't like houses with rooms
without purpose.
i'm a big fan of purpose.
if i have something,
there's going to be a reason for it.
it's going to be victorian style.
with a tower.
it'll be peach, with white shutters.
and a porch.
that wraps around half of the house.
and there will be a yard.
i like yards.
i don't care much about the kitchen.
i can't really cook after all.
but the bedrooms will have so many windows.
windows everywhere.
it will be full of light.
with bright, happy colors.
because it will be a happy place.
except for one room.
one room will be dark and romantic.
with red walls and mahogany wood.
it shall be full of books.
the walls will be shelves.
and there will be leather couches.
one day i will die peacefully
in that room
while my husband fixes me some tea
and Holden Caulfield is catching children
on the pages in my hands.

i don't mind it.
i mean it *****.
don't get me wrong,
it really ******* *****.

but i'm used to it yanno?
it's just been going on
for so long.
so consistently it's kind of beautiful.

it's beautiful.
how hard it is for me to breathe.
how each time i inhale,
there is a war waging within my chest.

i am so used to this feeling.
i can live with this.
this is pain. terrible pain.
but it is manageable pain.

for me at least.
i'm strong enough, i can handle it.
i love when people ask me 'how have you been?'
i respond the same way every **** time.

i'm still here, so i guess it hasn't been all that bad

and then they just stare at me.
like did you really just say that to me?
like i didn't want a real answer,
i was just asking as a formality.

you know how people do that.
they ask how you are because they're supposed to.
but **** it you're not supposed to tell the truth.
you're not supposed to tell them you're drowning.

but anyways, yea.
i can handle this.
the bad part though, the part i absolutely can't stand,
is watching people who love me watch me drown.

they're like cute puppies in a window.
so helpless.
so ignorant of what you feel.
because the people who understand...

yea well they got the hell out of dodge
as soon as they saw
part of themselves inside your pain.
they know how bad you are, so they save themselves.

no. i'm convinced this wouldn't be so bad,
if i didn't have to watch them watch me.
because really, i'm the one suffering.
but somehow, i still want to help them.

now how does that make any sense at all?
honestly i'm not sure it does.

i hate the stress.
i love the stress.
i hate the studying.
i love the fact that i don't study.
i hate the fact that i'm stuck here till friday.
i love the fact that i'm stuck here till friday.
i hate the fact that i have to go home.
i love the fact that this semester is finally over.
i hate saying goodbye.
i love saying hello again.

i hope all of your days are full of clear blue skies.
i hope you find the woman of your dreams, and that you live happy lives.
i hope you are never sad again,
and that when you remember me, you remember a friend.
i hope you know how much you mean to me.
in my mind, you will always be a happy memory.
just know that i understand i missed my chance.
but when i have to say goodbye, i will look back for one last glance.
i wish i would not have taken you for granted.
it took my far too long to see you had me completely enchanted.
losing you will always be my one regret,
you taught me what love looks like, for that i am ever in your debt.

one moment i am lying in my bed.
alone, miles and miles away from you.
and then a song comes on.

                                                            ­                       and in that instant i am gone,
                                                                                            we are lying in your bed,
                                                            you are holding me as we are falling asleep
and then it changes.
                                                        ­                and you're looking at me explaining
                                                      ­                               that you care about me, a lot,
                                                            ­                   but you just aren't ready for me
and it changes once again.
                                                          ­             and you're laughing as i tell you that
                                                          when urges are felt, they must be acted upon
                                                               and before i know it your lips are on mine,
                                                       you're kissing me with such passion, such love,
                                                           ­                 never before have i felt such a kiss,
                                                           ­                                 and we aren't stopping.

and i roll over, turn off the music.
and i go to sleep.

i don't know who i am.
there are two people inside of me,
they don't even fight anymore...
they live in harmony now.

there is the me of the day...
timid. shy. careful.
always sure to do the right thing.
always sure to be the right person.
to say the right things.
to ignore the wrong people.
the good person.

and then there is the me of the night.
she appears the moment the sun sets....
bold. ambitious. dangerous.
she's a different person, this night self of mine.
she doesn't give a flying **** about anyone.
she's quite the selfish ***** to be honest.
she needs. she craves. she gets what she wants.
she ***** the guy that makes her feel like the sun,
                                                    even though he is someone else's.
she kisses the ******* who made her pay
          seventeen ******* dollars for parking in the morning
                                                         ­              until his lips bleed.
she breaks the sweetheart who wanted to show her
                                                      that not all men are quite so evil.
and she still isn't done.
she gets greedy. and her soul turns black.
and she takes the beautiful man in front of her and she ruins him.
the vulnerable one, the one with the feelings and cares
                       the one who wants to make love to her to  purple rain
she will eat him alive. she will make love to him. she will **** him.
she will make him feel whole.
and then she will leave him,
                        because she is not capable of accepting love
and then maybe she is done for the night.
and she says goodbye, until tomorrow and lays her head down.
and she falls asleep.

the next day the careful me awakes.
looks back and says what the **** have i done?

there is a monster inside of me. capable of terrible things....
                                    *i cannot control her.

I feel so good.
This is going to be a semester to remember,
I can feel it, things are changing for me.
I haven't written anything in a while.
And maybe that's because I don't know how to write about the good.
I only know about the pain and the aching and the despair.
How do you write something beautiful that isn't tragic?
Honestly I am not sure.
My classes are going well.
I spent the perfect night with the man I'm hopelessly craving.
I have the best group of friends on the planet.
And my life is going fabulously.
And I feel good. Honestly, beautifully good.
But I miss writing.
And I don't know how to write about being happy.
There is no pain to drive me.
No sorrowful verses forming in my mind.
I am not in pain.
And I don't know how to write about that.

i have never before
had to fight so **** hard.
never before,
i have never been so surrounded.
so loved.
but i have never felt
so alone.
each breath feels like a mountaintop.
there isn't enough air,
i'm not strong enough.
all this time.
so much pride.
all rooted in my strength.
when i had nothing,
no one,
at least i was strong.
                                                                  it seems to have run out on me now.
i just want this to go away.
this feeling,
this agonizing darkness.
i'm drowning in it.
and i'm trying so hard.
so ******* hard to breathe.
but it's like no matter what i do,
no matter how hard i try,
this current keeps pulling me back.
suffocating me.
again.
and again.
it never fails.
i keep trying,
but i can feel myself giving in,
giving up.
my limbs are sore
and my soul aches.
it's all been too much
going on for too long.
                                                           ­                      something isn't right in me.
i just want to stand on a country road.
in the middle of the night.
in the middle of a snowstorm.
i want to see headlights coming for miles.
and i don't want to move.

Secondhand, broken down.
I've been claimed.
I've been beat.
I've been forgotten.
I've been stolen.
                                                                              I am no longer my own.
I belong to him.
I belong to them.
I belong to everyone.
                                   He took everything.

I drove twenty minutes out of my way today,
just for the chance to run into you.
I stayed long after my exam was done,
just so I could maybe bump into you in the hall.
I stare at your contact in my phone,
just in case you can feel me and get the urge to call.
I wore the jeans I know you like today,
I wanted to feel beautiful for you.
I didn't see you though....
I don't know if you're avoiding me,
or if I just have bad timing.
But I know I haven't heard from you in a week.
And I don't know if I know why.
I don't regret kissing you,
even though we knew we shouldn't have.
I don't need you to rearrange your life.
I don't want to be your girlfriend.
I don't have the capacity for that right now.
But I miss talking to you every night,
I miss the butterflies I got at your stupid jokes.
And I miss the way you make me smile.
I miss the way you look at me like I am everything.
I miss the way you make me feel like I could love again.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
I wish you could really understand this.
I really wish I my emotions were coherent enough for that.
I just wish you would just come back to me.
If only things had been different, back when you first said hello.
*Maybe we could have had a chance then

i just wanted you to give me a reason.
tell me it's real. tell me it's something.
tell me you care.
tell me what we did wasn't a mistake.
tell me i make you feel good.
and that it's nice just being around me.
tell me anything.
give me a reason to believe in you.

starts the same.
i wake up, and i'm alive.
and i have hope.
hope for the day.
that today will be better,
better than yesterday.
and not as good
as tomorrow.
but the farther i get
into the day,
into today,
the less hope i have.
the worse things get.
and by the time i climb into bed,
i can barely breathe.
it gets dark in my mind,
so dark.
and all i can do
is hope for tomorrow.

have you ever seen a movie where the character is standing still on like a new york street, but the cars and the other people and everything are a moving blur?
it's like that. like i can see everything and everyone around me happy and living but i am standing so ******* still my hair won't even move in the wind. and i can't catch a breath because somehow i am even too exhausted to remain upright.

you are toxic.
every move you make ignites me.
every fingertip on my skin shatters me.
one brush of your lips and i am gone.
when you leave, a piece of me dies.
each day, more of myself fades away.
you have captured me,
and you will not let me go.
give me one night, please,
i beg of you, just one night.
put me out of my misery.
one night to end all my agony.
give me one night full of you.
**give me a lethal dose.

I'm still trying to figure it out.
I don't know if I'll ever get a handle on it.
Some days I think I've got it,
and then I look in the mirror and see I was wrong.
Am I the good girl, the always there for you girl?
Or the cold heartless ***** who takes care of herself?
The driven woman, that conquers her dreams?
Or the coward who crushes under her fear?
I have no idea. Sometimes I'm all at once. Sometimes none.
Am I the girl that can handle juggling all the men?
Or am I the girl who wants just one?
Do I even want any?
Am I the girl that has meaningless ***? The feel good girl?
Or am I the girl that is willing to wait for intimacy?
I can't make up my mind.
One moment I'm fine alone, perfectly content to my life of solitude.
The next... the next I want to be held. And I don't care by whom.
I scare myself sometimes, with these things I do.
I lead an impulsive life and I can't keep up with it.
I can't sort out the feelings in my head.
I can't make sense of any of it.
I'm losing a race against myself and I don't know what is at the finish line.

At least tonight I learned one thing.
I am not the girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend.
No matter how lonely I am, I will never be that girl.

*or at least I really hope not

i
live
in
constant
fear.

was a reminder.
of who i am.
of what my name means.
of what i stand for.
of everything that made me.
of everywhere i have been.
and everywhere that i have yet to be.

all it took was a reminder of myself.
                                   to forget you.

i
don't
want
to
be
alone
tonight.

*and you're the only person i want to be not alone with.